Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Am I Being Childish?
My husband and I have been married for 34 years with our fair share of ups and downs. We have made it through them, are relatively content with our marriage, and have been retired for 6 years.
We moved to a new state when we retired, and somehow ended up in a somewhat closed community. There are a several men here who still view women in the "traditional" way. Having worked for 30-plus years in similar areas, I'm used to this and usually just let it roll off my back. But in all my years of working with this generation of men, I have been verbally and loudly attacked only since we moved here. This has happened three times in five years. To the best of my knowledge I did nothing to provoke such anger. I won't go into many of the particulars, but try to get straight to the issue.
My husband was not physically present during these attacks. He did hear part of one--the man walked into our kitchen and started screaming at me that our house was a slum area. (We were putting new siding on the house). My husband was in the garage at the time, listening to music on high, and could still hear the man yelling at me. And husband is about 80% deaf.
If someone had done that to him, I would be sure to remain cool and distant to the attacker--if I didn't simply tell them off. But my husband maintains cordial relationships with all three of these people. He is, in fact, out with one of them right now. The person he is with has told him that he would never speak to me again, and is curt to the point of being rude whenever he sees or speaks to me.
My husband has had friends over the years of whom I am not terribly fond. But I have never felt that it was appropriate for me to ask him to sever their friendship. This may be the first time, but even now I'm uncertain if I should make such a request. I keep thinking that I should just be able to rise above my anger and hurt. Am I just being immature?
THank you for your question and the background. First off you are not being immature nor petty about this situation. I don't generally like to speculate with an answere but I will take some liberties this time with my answere.
Due in part to your length of marriage and the "rough" spots you've had I would speculate that your husband has been talking with the other guys about some of his discontents. It seems out of character for a man in love not to come to his wife's rescue and in ths case sever his relationship with the offending party. The only explanation I can come up with is wrapped up in your husband commiserating with his buddies and this one particular friend taking liberties toward you by yelling and screaming as part of his supposed role as friend to yur husband...
Now that the speculation is out of the way what to do about it....if you've done the following let me know and we can try other things.
1. You need to confront your husband, in a very nice and gental manner, letting him know that you're afraid of his friend, even if your not he needs to think he's protecting you, and that you were offended by his not coming to your rescue.
2. You need to find out if your husband is discussing your life together with others, if this is the case it needs to stop. Your life with him is no ones business.
3. This is more of a question than a comment, but are you two doing things together, are you still dating, still romancing each other, pursuing interests together, if not try to develope commonali between the two of you, dancing, plays, movies, camping...etc...if you have to get involved with what he likes...
I'm sure this is a misunderstanding on your husbands part and all will be well soon. Having been married for 32 years myself I understand the ups and downs of any relationship, there is always room to improve and I thank my wife for being patient enough to allow me the time to improve.
My best wishes, let me know if I can help.