Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Marriage problem


I have a question that I would like to get some opinions on. About 7 years ago, I was involved in one sexual encounter that is causing a problem in my marriage. It involved a threesome with my step brother and his girlfriend. No homosexuality was involved.  Without going into details, years passed by, I met my wife, and we are now married. While we were dating, I told her of this encounter and things moved on. Now, we are married and over a year after I told her about this encounter, she is taking a huge offense in it and generally just pissed off at me. Now remember, this happened about 7 years ago, I told her all about it over a year ago, and she is all of a sudden pissed off about it. I'm extremely upset that she is holding it against me. Am I wrong to be upset about being judged about it, or am I in the wrong for being upset about it. How can this be resolved?

Hi Ted~

She doesn't need to be bringing up your past.  Just b/c you decided to be honest and tell her about it, she really has no right to bring up something in your PAST way before you were ever involved with her.  I'm sure there are things that she's done that she's not told you about.  Everyone has skeletons in their closet.  Why does she suddenly feel it's okay to judge you on what you did in the past?  The past is the past it can't be changed, and when you bring up things from the past, it only causes more fights, issues, arguments, etc.  She's bringing this up for some reason.  You have to try to get to the bottom of exactly why she suddenly feels the need to remind you of it, or to be mad/judging you for what you did back then? She's doing it for a reason, and that reason is only known to her.

Is she perhaps mad at you for something that you don't know she's mad at you, so she'd thought she'd throw this up in your face?  You need to sit down with her and try to have a serious heart to heart talk with her.  She needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  Get to the root of why she feels the need to bring this up now.  And go from there.

And to answer your question.  Yes, you have a right to be upset by her bring this up.  What good is it doing for her to rehash the past?  Is she trying to get back at you and she knew this would upset you/or get a reaction out of you?  That remains to be seen.  If you can get to the bottom of why she's doing this, then you'll hopefully be able to resolve this problem.  

Besides how would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot.  If she were the one that told you a secret from her past and how would she like it if she kept bringing it up, if you wanted it to remain in the past.  I'm mean sure this might bother her, that'd be normal (say if it was something she didn't agree with or whatever), but she should just tell you that it's bothering her and it might take her a while to get over it.  By her dwelling on it, it's not helping you to leave this in the past.  It's only igniting a problem and is going to eventually cause a rift in the marriage.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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