Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/divorce with unborn baby?
QUESTION: Dear Liam
I am a 34 y old male. 12 years ago I married for the first time, got divorced after 5 years with a little girl who is now 8. My first wife was and still is a manipulative person who used my daughter against me many times to get at me, even though it was she who wanted a divorce to be with her ex-boyfriend (which proved to be a false hope anyway).
I was single for 4 years, then I married again, this time to a girl suggested by my family (my first choice was against their wish). She is 31, engaged to be married once, and has a history of problems within her family which I did not know about at the time, namely her father who was a dominating and irresponsible person in her life. Her fiance turned out to be no better, leaving her stranded for four years before finally calling the marriage off.
As it has turned out, apparently she married me because her father and family kind of forced her to and she accepted also due to my insistence. I have to say I fell in love with her very soon and was very reluctant to let go of her, she seemed such a decent and kind soul. Anyway my ex-wife proved to be a problem in this marriage, taunting her and planning schemes through my daughter to irritate her at every turn. Unfortunately my family augmented this problem by stupidily trying to dominate her by saying my ex-wife was better than her and focusing a lot on my daughter.
So in spite of all the support I did offer her, she has been asking for a divorce for a long time. At first I resisted but when I saw her anxieties were slowly eating her from inside, I agreed. Problem was I could not afford to give her sufficient financial support after the divorce so it was delayed several times and every time I thought she had refrained and come to her senses but I was wrong. In the middle of all this crisis she got pregnant. Now she insists that I let her keep the child but let her go at the same time, so that she could give birth and raise the child alone without him/her ever knowing about the father. I am worried about this child's future in this way, I would prefer an abortion and divorce but I am afraid of the terrible emotional strain and scar this act would have on her, as she loves to have a child (even to the point of wanting to be a single parent in a strange city with no suitable means of income). I dont know what to do. Is an abortion is the way to go? Or should I let her go with the child as she wishes? Please help me as I am at my wits' end...
ANSWER: Hi Mehdi,
It sounds like a complicated situation and I don't think there is an easy answer. Perhaps you could come up with a compromise with her - agree to her having the child if she will agree to you seeing the child and being a part of the upbringing.
You could also explain to her all the consequences of having a child and I would go so far as to say that you come up with a legal agreement with her that if she decides to have it then she is to have no financial comeback on you. You need to get her thinking rationally about the effects of having a child on both her and you.
I would also think about what is best for you. You cannot control how other people think or act, and there are many people who will try to control others by making them feel guilty and bad. That situation is not good for anyone, least of all for the person who is trying to blame others for the way they feel. Stay true to yourself and honest about what you want and need to be happy.
Hope this gives you some help.
All the best,
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Liam
A compromise seems to be impossible as she refuses to listen to reason. I want to be a good father but she won't let me, so as to protect the child from my family and my ex. So do you advise this? If I agree, I will never see the child again or at the very least will not to be able to tell him/her that I am the father. Also she has said beforehand she will not ask for any financial help.
I think your best course of action would be to consult a lawyer to advise you on how to get what you want. It really comes down to what you are prepared to accept as the outcome and only you can decide that. I am sorry you are in such a difficult position and I hope it works out for you.
All the best