Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/divorce with unborn baby?

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QUESTION: Dear Tom

I am a 34 y old male. 12 years ago I married for the first time, got divorced after 5 years with a little girl who is now 8. My first wife was and still is a manipulative person who used my daughter against me many times to get at me, even though it was she who wanted a divorce to be with her ex-boyfriend (which proved to be a false hope anyway).

I was single for 4 years, then I married again, this time to a girl suggested by my family (my first choice was against their wish). She is 31, engaged to be married once, and has a history of problems within her family which I did not know about at the time, namely her father who was a dominating and irresponsible person in her life. Her fiance turned out to be no better, leaving her stranded for four years before finally calling the marriage off.

As it has turned out, apparently she married me because her father and family kind of forced her to and she accepted also due to my insistence. I have to say I fell in love with her very soon and was very reluctant to let go of her, she seemed such a decent and kind soul. Anyway my ex-wife proved to be a problem in this marriage, taunting her and planning schemes through my daughter to irritate her at every turn. Unfortunately my family augmented this problem by stupidily trying to dominate her by saying my ex-wife was better than her and focusing a lot on my daughter.

So in spite of all the support I did offer her, she has been asking for a divorce for a long time. At first I resisted but when I saw her anxieties were slowly eating her from inside, I agreed. Problem was I could not afford to give her sufficient financial support after the divorce so it was delayed several times and every time I thought she had refrained and come to her senses but I was wrong. In the middle of all this crisis she got pregnant. Now she insists that I let her keep the child but let her go at the same time, so that she could give birth and raise the child alone without him/her ever knowing about the father. I am worried about this child's future in this way, I would prefer an abortion and divorce but I am afraid of the terrible emotional strain and scar this act would have on her, as she loves to have a child (even to the point of wanting to be a single parent in a strange city with no suitable means of income). I dont know what to do. Is an abortion is the way to go? Or should I let her go with the child as she wishes? Please help me as I am at my wits' end...

Yours
Mehdi

ANSWER: Hi Mehdi,

It is too bad you can not find a way to stayed married.  In laws can be a major problem if they choose.  Ideally you would find a way to separate you and your wife from your parents so that the two of you can have a life together.   If that is impossible, then you need to find a way to be in your child's life.  She may not want to have a relationship with you but your child deserves to have you there.  Abortion is her choice and it seems she wants the child.  So, talk with her and explain that you will not impose your will upon her but your son or daughter deserves a father.  And you are the father.  And you want to be the father.  Explain that you will keep your parents out of the picture.  They will not harass her.  Then make sure they leave hr alone.  In time she may come around to seeing a life with you as desirable again.

Good luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Tom,

I can't reach a compromise with her on this, she won't agree to me being involved in the child's life at all and there is no way around it. I have said and done all you have suggested already but to no avail. So what do you advise? Abortion or not?

Yours
Mehdi

Answer
Hi Mehdi,

Sounds like she does not give you many options.  Depending on the laws where you are, you might try to force child visitation or even go to court for custody.  Or the other option is to give in.  But explain that it is not your desire.  You only are doing it to make her happy and in hopes shy might one day feel open to your desire to put the relationship back together.

Good luck

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Tom Blair

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Questions related to strengthening and saving relationships and marriages. Sexual relationship questions. Published author.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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