Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/divorce with unborn baby?
QUESTION: Dear Richard
I am a 34 y old male. 12 years ago I married for the first time, got divorced after 5 years with a little girl who is now 8. My first wife was and still is a manipulative person who used my daughter against me many times to get at me, even though it was she who wanted a divorce to be with her ex-boyfriend (which proved to be a false hope anyway).
I was single for 4 years, then I married again, this time to a girl suggested by my family (my first choice was against their wish). She is 31, engaged to be married once, and has a history of problems within her family which I did not know about at the time, namely her father who was a dominating and irresponsible person in her life. Her fiance turned out to be no better, leaving her stranded for four years before finally calling the marriage off.
As it has turned out, apparently she married me because her father and family kind of forced her to and she accepted also due to my insistence. I have to say I fell in love with her very soon and was very reluctant to let go of her, she seemed such a decent and kind soul. Anyway my ex-wife proved to be a problem in this marriage, taunting her and planning schemes through my daughter to irritate her at every turn. Unfortunately my family augmented this problem by stupidily trying to dominate her by saying my ex-wife was better than her and focusing a lot on my daughter.
So in spite of all the support I did offer her, she has been asking for a divorce for a long time. At first I resisted but when I saw her anxieties were slowly eating her from inside, I agreed. Problem was I could not afford to give her sufficient financial support after the divorce so it was delayed several times and every time I thought she had refrained and come to her senses but I was wrong. In the middle of all this crisis she got pregnant. Now she insists that I let her keep the child but let her go at the same time, so that she could give birth and raise the child alone without him/her ever knowing about the father. I am worried about this child's future in this way, I would prefer an abortion and divorce but I am afraid of the terrible emotional strain and scar this act would have on her, as she loves to have a child (even to the point of wanting to be a single parent in a strange city with no suitable means of income). I dont know what to do. Is an abortion is the way to go? Or should I let her go with the child as she wishes? Please help me as I am at my wits' end...
ANSWER: Even the most difficult situations can be dissected into manageable parts, creating the opportunity to find workable solutions.
II was a bit confused at your narrative but I thnk I got the essential facts. I'm assuming you still love your present wife and I base that on yur willingness to provide for her safety and well being. I'm not exactly sure where the childcomesinto play,are you her guardian and do you have visitation? Are there other children with yr second wife?
Based on what I read and what I perceived between the lines my advise may be a bit unorthodox but if I'm right than it will also be the solution to your ongoing delema of finding the right mate.
I may be totally wrong and if I am I apologize but here is what I think you should do. Instead of se ding your wife away and giving her a divorce I suggest the two of you run away together. Start a new life away from past family influences and divorce your selfs from their negative influence. Tell your wife how much you love her and want this marraige to work and commit to her your devotion and agree to move with her, away from the problems that continually plagued your relationship.
Let her know that she is your number one and past families are to be forgotten or now and for the length of time needed to ensure that yr relationship grows and flourishes..you may never have a strong relationship with them if you truly love your wife....
This needs to be done today and plans to move ASAP.
If I have this all wrong please let me know and I'll gladly rethink my advice..
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QUESTION: Dear Richard
Unfortunately what you suggest is almost impossible and anyway we live in a different city than my family (but not my daughter and ex). Yet my wife's fears run on the border of paranoid. We have come to the point that there is only this choice ahead of us: Divorce with no child, or with a child who will never know about his father? She won't settle down for visitation of any kind, in her own confused mind she thinks she must protect the child from my family and my ex.
The only answer I have is that you need to do what's best for those who will appreciate your efforts. It's unfortunate about your daughter and ex wife and about your current wife, it's almost like their in collusion against you. Again you need to decide who you can help the most and who will benefit the most from your association.
You also have to have a life so keep that in mind, your situation is very complicated so try to simplify and direct your efforts toward one instead of all.
All the best