Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Husband wife relationship
At the outset, I sincerely appreciate your noble work being carried out selflessly to try bettering lives of distressed ones. I am from Mumbai, India. I have been married for about 16 years with one son. My family consists of my wife (house managing) and 14 years old son. I have a mother who stays away from me as both my wife and she is not getting along with each other since the day of our marriage. However, she do visits our home once in a month for few hours to spend some time with my son and leave the same evening. She gets my (late) fatherís pension and manages within that. I donít have to support her financially though I have provided all home appliances for her needs. My mother is temperamentally very outspoken and short-tempered and unfortunately same is of my wife, which results in scuffles between them.
The problem is my wife unnecessarily drags me into any and all issues created between them and makes my life hell. I tried to explain her to ignore my motherís jibes and taunts for the simple reasons that (1) look at the broader picture i.e. how our (wife and me) relationship is (2) my mother is an old woman (65 years) and it is difficult to change her (3) my mother doesnít stay with us and only comes once a month (4) our relationship is suffering and son gets influenced which will boomerang onto us in our old age.
Another issue is due to regular such troubles in our husband-wife relationships, I fell into a brief relationship with one of my colleagues who is a married woman, and have had series of adulterous married life (which I came to know later from other colleagues who have been working along with her for last twenty years, some she divulged). However, my wife got a wind of this and even I agreed to it. After that, our family life was like a hell for two months of this relationship which resulted into we both approached a lawyer for getting divorce. Fortunately, the lawyers sent us away explaining that this will devastate our sonís life. He even tried to explain me that such relationships donít work in long run and very soon I will regret. He requested us to give some more time to decide and if nothing changes then we can file for divorce. However, I was adamant simply because lots of dirty linens were washed by each other in our society, her relatives etc and I was sure now things will never improve even if I end up this extra marital affair. However, two months were too short to get into any physical relationship as I had never been into such affairs and was thinking she is God sent for me. How wrong I was. My wife and me even went to the extent of committing suicides and my work life got hugely affected. Relationships with my colleagues, boss soured drastically and there was a huge setback to my career prospects.
Suddenly, like through some blessings, I realized my mistake and abruptly stopped all my connections (chats, phones, emails, facebook) and came out of this relationship. Itís been a year now and I heard she is already into next relationship. I have broken all ties with her, and donít even look at her.
Now my wife is doubting on me over some other colleague who happens to be on my Whatsapp and share fun adult jokes with me. We are pure friends and I tried explaining to my wife if I was doing anything wrong then why would I keep the chat messages on phone and not delete it. These are pure fun shares and there were no personal chats so I requested her not to draw any conclusions. I even deleted my whatsapp account now to convince her that I am not bothered. For the past one year, after the earlier relationship I make it a point to rush home after office. I handover my complete salary to her and take very minimal allowance for my daily expenses. I also help her in house choirs. I try to be an ideal husband. Only thing, we hardly go on vacations because of high expenses involved in these days.
Kindly advice me how do I deal with the above and make her happy, caring and trusting like she was before?
Thank you for your question, let me get right to it.
In order to make a woman happy they need to feel secure. Security for a woman comes in a variety of ways. Financially is one, its not the most important but it does play a role in creating a secure life. Love and trust is another and this is perhaps the most important. Without love and trust their is no possible way a woman can feel secure, especially in their marriage and even more so when children are present in the relationship.
Please excuse my bluntness but what you did to your wife and family in essence destroyed that level of security and replaced it with insecurity. She does not trust you and may not trust you for some time.
Men by their very nature want to fix things and move on. After serious infidelity causes an extreme reaction within the female and attempts to fix it may even make things worse. You only course is to continue as you have been doing, never giving her cause to distrust your action or your motives. The "innocent" bantering with a female coworker can not be continued. Any actions that cause your wife to second guess your intentions should be avoided at all cost.
You must remember you put yourself in this situation and you caused the level of distrust and you will have to live for quite a while on bended knee and with an apologetic tone in order to regain that level of trust and love. Your councilor was correct in advising the two of you to stay together, if not only for your child but for your marriage as well.
This can be salvaged, it can be corrected and it can be brought back to where it was before your infidelity and even made better if your willing to act the role of loving husband, father and provider.
There is no way to "fix" this all you can do is keep it going and let it repair itself. Be genuine in your praises to your wife, be genuine in your efforts to please and provide, be honest in all your dealings with her and with those you work with. Be totally open and let her have access to everything and everyone you know.
Woman have a desire to forgive, they have the capacity toward reconciliation, she will come around and will forgive you but do not try to fix this...it will only make her more suspicious and fearful.
Be humble and loving in a genuine way and she will see the change she needs to see in order to forgive.
One further suggestion: I do not know of your religious motivations nor hers but if there are some desires to become more religious on her part join her and enjoy the fruits of that association. if not religious try to pursue with her the things she likes and when I say pursue you must truly enjoy what she enjoys...it helps and who knows you may really like what she does and consequently like her even better.