Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Need to move on


I have been together with my husband since I was 15.  Now I'm 30yrs old and have been married for 10yrs.  Just 3yrs ago, our marriage was turned upside down, I emotionally cheated from my husband with an old flame, we never get to meet in person.
It all started on one night where we argued and my husband said I was worthless and he can find a better woman, that crushed me.

I found comfort with the other man, however I realized it was wrong, I love my husband and for the sake of our daughter, I will do anything to save our marriage.   It lasted for about a year and I confessed to my husband.

After I confessed and begged forgiveness, he stayed but I went through hell.  Everyday at home he would yell, curse, called me sluts and a bitch.  Even in front of our daughter he always mentioned that mommy has a boyfriend. Then it started getting physical, slapping, kicking and he even spat on me.  One night he blew up just because I didn't pick up the phone.  He started hitting me until I ran away and stayed at my friend's house.  He then of course begged me to come back and promised not to do it.

I agree in one condition that we needed counseling.  He agreed to go which we did and he cried like a baby even knelt down and promised not to do it.  We went twice, then after he said we are fine and do not need any more counseling.
Well it has been almost 3 yrs. now, his behavior is up and down. He doesnt hit me anymore and curse less, so it seems he is trying. One day he would be so sweet but if I pissed him off a little bit he would blame me for cheating on me asked for divorce(which seems like his favorite words, he always says this when we argued ever since I could remember in our marriage).

Just recently I went to take my daughter for play date and apparently took too long and forgot to do laundry, he got so mad and didn't talk to me for days.  When I confronted him, he told me to go to my boyfriend and that he couldn't take it anymore and again wants divorce.
I was so upset and told him if he couldn't forgive me just leave me already or let me leave because how can I be blame for my mistake over and over again.  I went through hell believing I deserved to be punished and now he claimed he forgave me but I still get blame for every single mistake.

He then apologized promising to not say that again, saying that it still hurts that's why he acted that way.
However I just knew he will say it again, now am I wrong?   For the sake of our daughter should I just endure this, I know he will eventually say sorry and everything would be back to normal for at least few months.

What should I do at this point,  I know I did a mistake but I thought when you forgave someone you supposed to move on.  Do I deserve to be blame over and over again? If I do leave him now it will be my fault and I know my daughter will get hurt and my family too.  He is after all the best daddy to our daughter and when he is not angry he spoils me.  

Am I exaggerated? How come even though I know he always says that it still hurts every time?  Everyday I am trying so hard not to make him angry but I am not perfect.  There are times I would cry myselft to sleep and blame my self. I don't know what to do...Please any advice I greatly appreciated.  Thank you so much for reading.

Hi Maria,

Often, I get questions from the wrong person.  Your husband is the one that still needs therapy.  He has not moved beyond the incident. AND He is abusive.  Your "affair" was not physical but there are emotional scars.  He has not healed from that.  I think his reaction is over reaction.

If he wants you to stay, he needs to see a therapist.  He probably feels very badly about his actions and the only way for him to feel better about himself is to see a therapist.  If he will not, then you should start making plans.  Make sure you have a place to live, money, and a support network.  I would not tell him you are thinking of leaving until you are ready.  There are organizations for abused women and families.  Look for a women's center in your area. Talk with them.

If he gets physically abusive, be gone!

Life is way too short to be unhappy.

Good luck,

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Tom Blair


Questions related to strengthening and saving relationships and marriages. Sexual relationship questions. Published author.


Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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