Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Please help I need some advice

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Question
My husband wants to join the service so bad he's fixing everything up to leave (payoff only what he owes) and we have a 3 yr old and a 3 mo old he says he wants to live somewhere else outside our home state
I hate the idea of him joining
Because I dislike long distance relationships in my opinion I feel you stop being in love with someone if u don't see them
He's the one supporting us and I have no job because I'm taking care of our infant and potty training our son
I hate the idea of living married to someone who you don't get to c or spent time with
I hate the idea of living in fear that someday I might wake up to find out he died
He says he's doing it so we have a better future
But for what???
So I can live alone with 2 kids and no dad around the kids??
I know there are a lot of families who live like that and are happy but I dont want that for my kids
I rather live next to my family and not have luxurious things than having everything and not being happy
At first I liked the idea but then I realized its almost like if I'm going to be a single divorced mom
So what's the difference
There's going to be an awkward feeling (if my husband gets deployed for years and then comes back its going to be awkward seeing that person u used to love and wonder if they still love u and comeback with a different personality where your dreams and goals don't even match no more)
I dislike the idea but he's extremely motivated
And his coworkers support him and encourage him a lot
He got mad one time I commented I dislike it cus i will be living in fear of him dying
But he was really defensive and said I'm going to die anyways so whatever
I don't want to control him or stop him from what he wants what can I do?? I don't want to come out like if I'm trying to control him when I tell him
I'm living my life scared thinking he's going to leave us on any day so I'm looking for jobs now just in case he comes home and tells me he's enlisted
He says we annoy him everyday.... So I'm thinking he's just doing this to get away for
Us and sleep around with other women
He tells me daily that he's going to get some of our house income to start paying off his court fees so that he leaves
Im just here thinking I must start packing up and divorce and have my own house to raise our kids before he leaves us on the street without a home cus he's leaving

I dont know what to do....
We don't communicate because every time I try just to talk to him he says I'm attacking him
And he starts getting really defensive and talking with bad words
When I'm just trying to tell him things that upset me....
So basically I can't tell him that I don't want him to enroll
What should I say?????
Because bottom line is that I rather live a humble life with him raising the kids too so they get those memories forever in their hearts

Answer
Hi Lala~

That's really immature of him to say that you all annoy him.  That's what being married and having children is in life, it comes with frustration, annoyance, sacrifices, etc.  Marriage isn't easy for anyone.  It's about two ppl working together as a team doing teamwork.  It's not solely about one person and their goals and dreams in life.  As for him being hell bent on joining the service, he's in for a rude awakening in whatever particular branch he joins.  They give a person structure, discipline, goals, etc.  They are very meticulous in their training of troops, etc.  I come from a long line of service men and women.  It's definitely not for everyone.  It's hard on relationships and marriages too.  There is a lot of infidelity, and the list goes on and on.  So, yes, there are good and bad draw backs to being in the service.  They don't pay all that well either.  It can take a heavy toll on a marriage and if he were to be deployed somewhere overseas, and actually be put into combat (which is not real likely anyway), he would come back a changed person forever.  Well, you already know what you've seen and heard and I can imagine this is why you're hesitant and not wanting him to join the military, and rightfully so.  

I'd be upset and pretty disturbed by his comments too.  Like he wants to join to get away from you, you're annonying, and blah...blah...blah.  Not a good thing for him to say to you, b/c then it just makes you mind wander and for you to worry constantly about him and about some of the things he might be capable of doing.  That's no way for a person to be in a marriage.  And it's unhealthy for you to obsess about him dying if/when he goes into the service.  I mean look at what it's doing to you.  It's taking too much of a toll on you and your worrisome and freaking out and he's not even joined yet.  And there's no guarantee he'd even be accepted.  

Not having very good communication with each other is a huge problem.  You seem to have the communications skills and ability but he does not.  And how in the hell does he expect to make it in the service where ppl are always telling him what to do, and getting in his face, etc.  

I think you need to do what you need to do, and if that means you start plans to find a job soon and to save up in case he leaves you and the babies, then do so.  It's much better to be prepared and to be able to take care of yourself than to one day find out he's joined and then walks out on you and the kids.  Sometimes you do what you have to do in a situation like this.  

I would be just as upset and adamant that he didn't join if I were you too.  In all honesty I'd have a real problem with it.  I'm not against joining the service and I support our troops and all, but not everyone is cut out for it.  Do what's right for you and what's in your best interest and those of your children.  The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.  I hope this helps you some.

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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