Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Wife
QUESTION: My wife is a therapist. Stay at home mom for 15 years. Went back to school,got her second masters degree.... In counseling and decided to go back to work. Stress is killing her. She wont listen to me but it is starting to affect us in a lot of ways. She has put me/us in the back of the buss....she refuses to see a marriage counselor because that is what she does.....but I really think the issues are ego/stress....I don't know how to get it across to her that I am not her client or child I am her husband. How do you deal with your spouse who is councilor? but needs some council too? I am confused...I cant rationalize with her on her level.
any suggestions...I really need help.
ANSWER: Dear Walt,
It must be very difficult to have a conversation with someone who is always "clinically" addressing every feeling and or issue.
It seems to me your wife is over zealous, and rightly so. It is hard being a stay home mother, I remember. One loses their identity, you start forgetting who you are and all your talents. Self esteem i Know and it gets lonely.
So Kudos to her for going back to school, and to you!
But it takes a lot...a lot of work, to shift gears and maybe she doesn't know how to balance yet everything. Her work is exciting and she enjoys especially after being a stay at home Mom for 15yrs! , and also since it is new, she has to put a lot of herself into it, just like someone who buys a new business, the first year is a lot of hard work and you don't see any profits, and family gets neglected.
This will yield profits for both of you, you need to be patient and honest with her. When you speak to a Woman honestly without hidden agendas Women respond!
Now remember she is a different person.....so are you and it is good! You both need to adjust to that difference together without losing each other.
My advise is for you to talk to her from a personal place...i mean tell her how proud you are of her and all she has accomplished. That you worry about the stress, offer tohelp in some way. Tell her I Love You and would be comfortable speaking with a third party (another therapist) not because I don't trust you but because I want to connect as "husband and wife" and right now that is not possible because my wife is the counselor, so I'm on the couch alone....
Do you see what I am getting at, express this in your own words, I have a feeling she will get it, if she is good marriage counselor it will ring true in her. She knows this is true!
This situation although frustrating is very workable, put yourself in her shoes, how would you act if you were just hire for a big job? I think you would spend a lot of time focusing on it, and as a result maybe your family would feel being left on the back burner. Not saying it is right but it is what unfortunately we all do at some point with something in our lives.
Be patient, honest, and persistent cause I feel the Love:)
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: thanks for your response...So What should be my first step in moving forward. Your right...everything I do she treats me like a client...so How do I get back in controll and make this a 50/50 partnership...Is this a normal issue with Councilors?
thanks for all your help
Your welcome Walt,
Patience and honesty. Just because every conversation sounds like a counseling session doesn't mean it is...have you ever thought that she may be practicing :) Its a good way to look at it yes, that maybe you are helping her become a better counselor? hmmm.....
There is no reason to think that things aren't still 50/50, i know its hard some men to shift roles, if you're wife is working all the time and taking on responsibilities that used to be yours all the time, then what is your role as husband?
How about instead of trying to talk to her, take her on a weekend get away...
Just be with each other, catch alone time.
My advise, patience, patience, patience. :)