Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/advice
when i met my husband it was love at first sight. he treated me with the utmost respect and made me feel like a queen. and now 1 and half years into marriage,he swears at my all the time,he disrespects me,stays out drinking with friends and lies to me about it. he calls me a slut. he cut me off from all my friends and family,i cant leave the house without him. i do nothing without him! i cant even get a job. he critisizes the way i cook,the way i dress and is constantly negative. i dont know what to do anymore because we have an eleven month old babygirl,how will i provide her with everything i didnt have. he is a great guy,but he just lost his appreciation for a good wife. please what should i do?
ANSWER: Hi Astrid~
What he's doing is abusive. Abuse is never okay under any circumstance, period. I find it troubling that you mentioned he's keeping you isolated from family and friends. That's about him being able to control you and for him to tell you what you can and can't do. Do you want your daughter to grow up and think that it's okay and even normal to be abused, controlled and talked down to and degraded all her life by her father and men that she'll become involved with? I'd hope not. It's never ever okay for a man to disrespect a man in the way your husband is doing to you. You do not deserve this type of treatment at all.
A person can only take so much of something before they break. The question to ask yourself is when is your breaking point? How much of this are you willing to take before you finally say, NO MORE?! You're setting an example for your daughter for her future. If he can't give you what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this marriage. Then perhaps you need to move on with your life w/o him in it. You deserve way better than he's currently capable of giving you. It doesn't have to be this way unless you allow it.
He will continue to treat you this way as long as you tolerate his rude, crude and unacceptable and inappropriate behavior. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Sam,
Thank you for your rapid response, what you said is really true and hit home,hard. I never really thought about how it would affect my daughter in the future,but now I know that I should stand up for myself and what I believe in so that one day she can do the same.
The thing is, I know he loves me, I can see it in the times when he doesnt swear at me or when he's not in a bad mood. And I love him too but as you said I have reached my breaking point. after last saturdays incident I feel as if I automatically cut myself off from him. He tries to make small talk because thats what he normally does after an argument,no "im sorries or please forgive me's" just pretend it didnt happen and I accepted that. This time though he can see that I have cut myself off emotionally but it just dont seem to matter to him,it seems like a joke. He would say " so I will probably be sleeping on the couch coz u still mad" and he would laugh about it.
Regarding family,he is very over his mother he wants me to text and call her all the time but yet he cant even say hello,how are you to my mum. When I tell him how I feel he just tells me,why should I put my family first always. Love is still holding me back and the hope that he would change. is this possible?
thanks again and regards.
Love doesn't behave that way. Love isn't supposed to hurt and shame you and control you in the way he does. That is not love, no matter how badly you want it to be love. To him it's as if you're his possession and nothing more. That's a pretty twisted way of showing someone you love them, by degrading them, talking crap to them and cutting them down. That is not okay by any means. I can understand you wanting to interpret his actions as love, b/c at one point he did care for you, but he changed after you got married. If this is his version of loving you, then I'd hate to see what he does to someone he does not like. B/c that is not love of any form; what he does to you.
As far as him changing? Well, I wouldn't bank of that really ever happening. He's not too concerned with you leaving him. Otherwise, he'd be at the very least putting forth that very effort when he knew you were mad at him. A real man would apologize and make a half hearted attempt to make amends with you, but, no, he didn't do that. He made a joke of it, to make himself feel better about the situation.
He will just have to see through your actions just how serious you are. He has to see that he can not keep treating you in this manner. You are human being not a dog. He doesn't treat you with one ounce of love, trust and respect like a man should for a woman. And for that he's not worth your time, energy and effort anymore. There is someone out there that will treat you right and the way you deserve to be treated and valued. It might take a while to find him, but he's out there (if one day you're willing to give another relationship a chance). Just b/c you think you love him doesn't mean you should be with him and to keep enduring the hell he's putting you through. This isn't about him anymore, it's now about you and the safety and well-being of you and your child. He's being very selfish to put himself before that of you and your daughter.