Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Lonely in my Marriage
I am a 43 year old woman married for almost 18 years to a 51 year old man. This is his second marriage and my first. We have 3 girls, ages 12, 9 and 7.
My husband has always been a very hard worker. It's not that I mind him working hard. I'm a very independent person. It's that it's come to the point that we do nothing together anymore, barely talk to each other and have less contact than I had with the roommates I lived with before I got married.
I also feel like he blames me because he dislikes his job. I am a stay at home mom, and have been since shortly after our second child was born. I started subititue teaching last year, once our youngest entered Kindergarten, but I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness and working really aggrivates it. I'm pretty functional if I don't overdo, and I feel like I have all I can handle with taking care of our home and our children and my health. We live in a rural area, and there are not a lot of jobs I can do and still take care of our children. His job has very little flexability, so 90% of of everything else falls on me.
He has a stressful job. He works in the financial industry, which has seen its share of ups and downs in the last few years. He has done well, and has been lucky enough to be continuously employed for the last decade, although he has changed jobs 2 or 3 times. He is making significantly less money than he used to, although he works just as hard. We are debt free, other than our house, and have significant savings. He is concerned that we are slowly spending through our savings, because his income can be inconsistent and occasionally our monthly spending exceeds his monthly income.
He frequently tells me how much he hates his life, but I am at a loss as to what to do to help him. I'm worried that the stress of knowing how much he hates his life is contributing to my health issues, and I worry about how it affects our children. I would love to hold their home together for them, but I'm not sure in the long run if I'm going to be helping them or hurting them.
He says he loves me and our family, but his total lack of interest in me and the silent resentment when he goes to work when I am home say otherwise.
We went to couples counseling for a year about five years ago. I feel like it helped me a lot, but I don't feel like he did any of the work our therapist suggested, and that it didn't benefit him much. I'm not sure if I want to go that route again.
What are your thoughts? Do I resign myself to this and make the best of what I have, or do I get out and subject my children to the uncertainties of a broken home?
Thank you for your time.
Im not an expert in stress, but from what i read from you its clear,your husband is suffering a form of stress. I would try and sit him down to have a frank chat with him. The feeling if resentment etc! is down to the stress that i think is hindering his way of thinking;thus causing the problem which you now see. I can only suggest that you seek medical advice soon. I would imagine that you ,perhaps have already asked him about how he is feeling deep down,of course he might not want to open up;this then is why i suggest you seek medical advice for him. Sorry i cant help in any other way,but this is clearly beyond me.
I wish you both well.