Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Lost


Hi.  My ex left me out of the blue after 18yrs together.  He said I had changed and that it wasn't what he wanted.

This is after cheating on me, breaking up and returning to me 5yrs previously.  At that time he begged me to take him back and promised he would do anything to make it work if he could come back.  He also promised my father, who was dying, that things would work out.

He didn't tell me he was unhappy until the day that he left. I didn't have a chance to discuss the issues. He met someone 2mths after he left and moved in with them 6 mths after he left and has now bought a house. On facebook he has said he is a changed man. He has not spoken to me since he left,  though I saw him at our court hearing last week where he seemed very angry with me.  I guess this was because I stood up for myself and tried to stop him from taking my superannuation.

I am so terribly hurt, lost and sad and yet still miss him.  I haven't been able to get angry.  I am trying to work out what I did that made him dislike me after 18 years and how to move on.

I gave up having children because he asked me to choose between him or a baby.  I am now 46 and unable to find someone new and have a family.  It makes me sick to my stomache.

I must have been so awful to him that he couldn't stand me any longer.

How do people accept and let go.

Hi Donna~

It's a shame that he had to act out in cowardice behavior (meaning to tell you that he was unhappy on the very day that he left).  He's the one that has the problem and that can move on so quickly after a break up.  Meanwhile you're left behind to pick up the pieces and to figure out exactly what went wrong and where.  The very least he could've done was to not waste all those years of your life to tell you he was unhappy and ready to leave.  

It's going to hurt for a while and it'll be even longer before you're able to finally move on from what he's done to you.  Good for you to stand up for yourself and not let him use you.  You may or may not be able to get angry at him in time.   It can help if you can find the anger from within, so that you're able to grieve the loss of this relationship and to finally move forward from all this. In time perhaps you'll be able to do just that.  It's truly his loss that he's out of your life.  It will take sometime to grief and to be able to properly move on.  Give it time and be patient with yourself while doing so.

18 years is a very long time to be in a relationship.  That's not something that you just get over overnight and move on.  You can't keep dwelling on what went wrong, what you did wrong, etc.  Otherwise it will just drive you crazy.  Besides it's not healthy to rehash the past.  You did what you could to make it work and he wasn't willing any longer to put forth the time, energy and effort that goes into making a relationship work.  

As for how do ppl accept and move on. It's a slow process and it varies from person to person.  I've found that in order to have true inner peace, you must first learn to forgive the person that hurt you.  Forgiveness is not for the person your forgiving but it's for you, so that you can move on and let go of all the negativity.  And you don't have to tell the person you forgive them (unless you wish to, of course).  Once you've learned to let go and move on with your life, you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of you.  It's a freeing feeling.  Mourn and try to let go and learn to forgive.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what he did.  The longer you hold onto this burden the more control he has over you and to still affect your life and your feelings.  You have to take back that control from him and move on.  I hope this helps you some.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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