Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Boring marriage
QUESTION: Mine is an arranged marriage. I got to know my husband only for a week just before marriage. During that week we went out every evening. It was lovely, candlelit dinners, holding hands while driving the car and making out in the car under the tree. He was so gentle, so loving, so sensitive. Every time I left him to go back home I missed him so badly. I just knew then he was the right person for me. But after marriage there was no honeymoon, no romantic nights anymore, no kissing, no foreplay nothing. I missed the guy I met before marriage, I miss him even today after 4 years of marriage. There were only a couple of times after marriage when he must have given me a blow job or finger job, but for him it was always blow job followed by 2 mins of intercourse. And every time I felt only used. Its not like I don’t enjoy sex with him but I don’t get what I want. Its always a 5 mins task. He says if a guy takes a long time means he has a problem. I always keep begging for foreplay but it only ends up with 2 mins of biting and then rushing in or he will say I will give it in the second time but that second time never comes. He dozes off and I keep waiting till I fall asleep. I havnt experienced an orgasm in my 4 yrs of marriage. People talk about it and I am still to get it. After the birth of my baby it was worst. There was never a time when I dint wanted it. I felt guilty for having such a unsatiable libido. Sex has been only once in a month or two sometimes even three and every time I initiate. And every time I have to give a blow job. I hate to give him a blow job but only in the hope that this time he will end it beautifully I give in. If I say no he goes to bed simply. I crave for his gentle touch, for a man to tell me that he likes my body. Whenever I try to kiss him he moves his face away, he never kisses me. Trust me I don’t have a bad breath problem. Forget foreplay he never even says in words if he loves me. Its not like I never spoke to him about all this, but inspite of opening up he just doesn’t understand me. He says he is a shy person hence he doesn’t express much. But then how do I console myself. And if he is so shy then how come he compliments his friends ex wife about his looks on Facebook. He never appreciates me for anything. He never even acknowledges my efforts in any matter, be it in bringing up my kid, my work, household chores. Infact he hates my cooking, keeps comparing it to his mother and sister’s cooking. I put on weight after my kid, and he keeps teasing me about it calling me ‘buffalo’ and ‘pig’, ‘burnt pan face’, ‘cowshit face’. When I tell him its humiliating he says just take it sportingly.
A month after marriage he had informed me that he is having some financial crisis. He was already into loans and wanted to take another loan to clear them for which he asked me to sign as co-borrower. I refused. It sounded simply illogical to me. Since then he has been blaming me for his money loss. Every time I ask for a movie or dinner out he says because of my refusal we don’t have enough money to enjoy. We havnt been for a vacation ever. But I know its not the lack of money but the plain lack of interest. The obvious solution is to leave him but I love him a lot to do that, or probably I think so but I also have a 2.5 year kid for whom I am responsible. I want to work things out between us. I want this marriage to work. I want my kid to have a beautiful set of parents, because I don’t want him to lose his father who is otherwise a good father. How do I win him back? How do I make him love me? How do I make him know that I love him a lot?
ANSWER: Hi Anuradha,
Don't lose hope there is still a chance to make him realize that he needs to show that he cares. If he does not initiate and you feel irritated that it's you who always makes the first move, continue to do so. By playing tit for tat, it will be you who would suffer the most. It will get you nowhere as it seems that getting intimate is not his priority. It could be the work pressure or financial woes, I do not buy this shy story. You made the right decision and do not regret not taking a loan. Get busy with your kid, ensure that he gets all the attention in the world. Your loneliness would be lessened if you meet a lot of young moms say in the park or join a gym. Soon you will have a big gang of friends with whom you can hang out. You need to start loving yourself equally and pamper yourself. He will notice that he is no longer the center of your universe and mend his ways.
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QUESTION: Hi Vani,
Thanks fr responding. Well wht u said does make sense and I shall definitely fry working on it. But I fail to understand how to keep my calm when he uses such nasty language on me and keeps blaming me all the time for the money loss. It's so humiliating and I keep losing .mh self respect and confidence in myself. My kid is growing up, soon he will understand the differences between us and thm tension due to it. Wouldn't it affect him? What if one day he starts using such foul language on me. I will be devastated. After all how much and to what extent can one ignore the way he keeps belitteling me?
Just put this plan into action and see the effect it has on him!! By telling him that his words hurt you, you have had no success, he has been deaf to your requests. So now you have to show him that you have a thick hide. As for your kid, yes he would pick up negative emotions but try this and give yourself a deadline. Say you have 6 months to try all of the above, get your confidence in yourself back and watch him closely. There is another mechanism but that can backfire --- next time he blames you for this loss then tell him that he is incapable of making money and you cannot be blamed for it. But this can have a dire impact as no male can tolerate these words.