Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/marriage
QUESTION: I am 48 years old and been with my wife for 26 yrs plus.We had what i thought a healthy sex life the first 6 years but it dropped off sharply after our third child was born.Since than i would have to plead with her to make love.We seemed to be just room mates and now she has left me to live on her own because she wants a break.She made it clear she doesnt want another man and she still cares for me and we are on talking terms and she doesnt mind me telling her i love her.My question is this:Since our sex life was pretty much nill would this change the the dynamics of are relationship and is there anything i could do to peak her interest in me sexually again.
ANSWER: Hi Ben,
What this does is give you the opportunity and reason to woo her again. All too often, especially after children, relationships drift apart. There are many reasons, such as: too busy with children and work, too tired, and the routines, rut, the relationship has fallen into. What you have here is a chance to rekindle the passion you once had. Think back to when you had that exciting passionate relationship. How did you treat her then? Try to get back into the habit of showing her affection often and with variety. Affection is the non sexual gestures that show her you love her. Affection would be things like: gentle caress of the hand, a special smile when entering the room, hugs, hand holding, kisses. When you are together, talk with her about non logistic, non issue related things. Talk with her about what you saw and heard today, tell jokes, chit chat. Find fun things to do together. Especially those fun activities you engage in when you were happiest. Go on dates. Do not talk with her about the issues you have. If you do these things and if there is no underlying issue, you should see her begin to respond to your new approach. When you get back into the sex with her, make it new and exciting. Spice things up. Try new places and positions, explore your passion together.
By underlying issue I mean things like health issues (menopause can be a sex / relationship killer), poor behavior by you or she to name a couple. I have a blog at my web site that you may find interesting. Changescoaching.com/rel
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QUESTION: Good advice but she doesnt want to kiss me,hold me and even do things with me.She says that i didnt do enough and she didnt tell me enough and now she just wants me as a friend,yet she doesnt want a divorce and there is no one else.She has my 18 yr old daughter with her.She says she just wants to try it on her own although tonight she said we could go to dinner but only as friends.i am really frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.My sister told me to ignore her because she playing games.she will see i am not after her and she will want me.But that could just make her more distant.i am so confused and frustrated.please help.
There are two schools of thought on this. One is to give her all the space she wants and see if she "comes to her senses". The other is to pursue her with great vigor. I think the best solution is about half way between. Give her space but stay in her life as much as you can. Show her that you will give her space but that you want her in your life too. Take her out to dinner, or the movies or anywhere she will go with you and be as attentive and romantic as you can. Don't overwhelm her or pressure her, but show her you care.
Because this may not work out the way you hope, you should consider your alternatives. Start looking at what kind of life you would like to live with out her. Maybe begin to explore dating opportunities. Don't rush into things but explore the possibilities and let her know what your thoughts are. If you have a hobby that you would like to do more of, just say something like, "You remember that I use to fish occasionally, I think I will get back into that. You are welcome to join me if you like." Then go fishing. And tell her about how much fun you had. Fishing, Golf, Dancing, what ever. Besides developing a life with out her, you are finding things to do that make you happy. And a happy man is much more interesting than an unhappy one. It makes you less desperate and desperate men are not all that attractive. Take this time to create the life you want and to become the man you want to be. Tell her she is welcome to come along, but you don't have time to be unhappy. It will make you more attractive to her and to other women.