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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Military family problems after having a baby


My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and in the Navy for all of that. We did get married young, I was 22 and he was almost 21. I was also his first sexual relationship or wasn't mine. We have never spent longer than 6 months together under the same roof before he was deployed again. He is a submariner and goes to sea for 3 months roughly every 6 months. Well he now has a desk job in the navy and will be home for the next three years. I always took care of everything when he was home or not and now he wants control over it all. He says I need to step back because he's home now. What am I to do just hand everything over until he deploys again? That isn't me. On top of that we just had our first kid, he's 1 1/2 now. Our problems really got worse after he was born. We have been going to marriage counseling but I feel likes its helping and then things turn up side down again. He doesn't believe that we have problems, just that I hold onto things and make them into problems. when I should be like him and let the things that annoy me go. the one thing that does keep coming up is our lack of sex.  He feels that I don't love him anymore because we aren't as intimate as we were before our son and honestly I don't know if I still do love him. I'm not sexual attracted to him anymore. The sex has its ups and downs but mostly downs. I believe that's from his lack of experience and have tried to help him and he gets mad. I even debated letting him go get experience but never said anything to him. Just ever since our son was born I don't want sex as much as before and the few times we do have it, it sucks. I don't even enjoy kissing him. I'm afraid that if I do show any affections to him (cuddle, give him a back rub or kiss him more than just a peck) it will lead to sex. I just don't know anymore.

Hi Jennifer~

Maybe a lot of it is that you don't really know each other, due to the amount of time you've been separated all of these years.  Then on top of that you throw in that you have a baby now and adding a baby to a marriage or relationship really does change your life and the relationship with your partner.  It can make or break it.  Does he really expect you to just drop all of the responsibilities you've been taking on, now that he's back at a desk job.  If so, then he's being unrealistic.  He can't tell you to just hand everything over to him and pick up where you left off.   I can understand him wanting to know and take part in the household finances and what bills you pay and where most of the money goes, etc, etc.  I think both partners need to at least be aware and know what's coming in and what's going out money wise.  This way if something happens to one of you, you're both not left clueless and in the dark about what's going on and you'd both know what's going on financially.  It's always good to know what's going on on several different levels in your relationship.  

It's also important that you learn to communicate with each other and try to work together on anything and everything if possible.  It's always good to know how and what each other is feeling and thinking on a regular basis.  Good communication is essential in any happy, healthy and successful marriage. Is it easy, no, of course not.  Marriage takes a lot of work, especially when you're the one doing almost everything while he's away and you're running the day to day household responsibilities and everything that goes with a marriage.   You need to try to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.   Marriage is about team work and it takes two ppl working together as a team and to try to be as supportive to each other as you can.  He has to be a willing participant in all this, this is something you can not do on your own and be successful at.  Talk to him and hopefully you'll be able to work out any differences that you may have.  

As far as the loving him and sex issues, just take that a day at a time and see what happens.  Maybe you can begin to reconnect with him and fall in love with him all over again.  It's all about getting to know him again, with him being gone all the time like he has in the past, it's going to take some time to see where things end up.  Keep working with the marriage counselor and feel free to write down and ask him/her any questions that you are concerned about.   I hope this helps you some.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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