Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/relation with husband

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QUESTION: we are married about 6 years. from last year my husband sometimes show very much passion and makes love frequently and i love that but after few days he stops it and does nothing for several days and again starts showing passion. it goes on like this. i have tried to discuss this but he casually ignores it. he sometimes like to see me all dressed up before sex. so i tried that too but that does not makes any difference in those days. i know he loves me but he never expresses it. i tried to discuss that to but no result. i got a good husband and friend in him but not a lover. i have started to feel very lonely. please give me some solution.

ANSWER: Let me ask a few questions regarding the situation that might help in my responce:
1.  Has this pattern been the same for the last six years or is only a recent development?
2.  If it is a recent development can you think of anything that occurred that might have caused a change in behavior, especially around the time of the change?
3.  You mentioned that your husband is a supportive and kind man is this always the case or does he have mood swings or changes in his behavior.
4.  Most men and women do not share a similar sex drive with one wanting more or one wanting a lot less...etc...whey of we're first together the newness of a relationship equalizes those drives making many partners to believe that initial sexual levels are normal ..did the two of you engage in sex often and who was the initiator?
5.  At night can you excite your husband toward completion or does he ignore your advances....

I may have a few more but I thnk with these I can generate a responce to your issues with your husband.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: he was very much active from the beginning even after we had our baby. this started last year. he has mood swings from the very beginning of our marriage but it never affected our sex. he was the one always looking for more love making and still now in those days when he is passionate wants more. we both are active during sex and he likes it that way. i think it started after he was out of station for 6 weeks last year for his job but i am also sure that he is not seeing anybody else.

Answer
Thank you for your responce.  Based on what you've told me it does seem at your husband may be experiencing some depression.  It's very hard to tell at what level or why or what sets it off but you did mention that it all started when there was a disruption for about six months.  Depression can have a long term effect on an individual and often effects a persons desire and relationships.  It's impossible for me to know to what extent or how often his depression, or to be honest if depression really is the problem, it fits the profile you've discribed however.

Depression also changes and individual and gives others the impression of not caring or aloofness, but the reality is that if this is depression he needs your support and understanding.  The fact that he is still very passionate and caring is also evidence that he loves and cares for you, which is a very good thing.

There are a couple things that you can do to help.  As mentioned be patient and try to look for the antecedents, the causes of his depression, what sends him into a moody state or what causes him to exhibit negative feelings.  If you can see those starting to happen try to change the subject, the environment or setting, try to intervene by suggesting a walk or a movie or whatever you can do to change his way of thinking.  Depression is like a cascade failure that builds upon itself and eventually crashes, it's a lot easier to reboot the mind early than letting it run it's course.

If your not doing this already be very supportive and look for opportunities to brighten his day....don't complain I'm sure you don't already and be as supportive as possible....

There is so much more to write about but lets see what happens from here

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Richard Taylor

Expertise

After 30 years of marriage and 10 children I can comfortably answer questions about developing or salvaging a strong marriage relationship.

Experience

Relationships fail almost exclusively due to individual selfishness or inappropriate activities outside of the marriage contract. Almost any marriage can be salvaged and can flourish. There are exceptions, adultery, abuse and addictions may sever the trust to such an extent that a marriage may not survive.

Education/Credentials
In addition to my personal experiences I have over 15 years of special education experience with a Masters in special Ed.

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