Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Communication/Intimacy
Thank you for taking the time to review my question. I'm a 50 year-old man who has been happily married to my wife for 22 years. We have one 18 year-old son.
My wife and I seemingly have great communication on everything except when it comes to sex. I'm getting so frustrated, because as time goes on, one-by-one, things we used to enjoy in bed become non-existent. We used to enjoy oral sex and it could be a spontaneous part of our lovemaking. Now, it's only if I ask and I hate to have to ask! Second, she used to really enjoy when I would perform oral sex on her, but for several years now, with rare exception, it's "not a good time". This was one of the few ways I could bring her to orgasm and it kind of limits my repertoire! For the last several months she also gently guides me away from even touching her down there with my hands and stimulating her manually.
I love my wife dearly and don't have any complaints about our frequency of being together. She doesn't hesitate to stimulate me manually on about a once a week basis or have intercourse about once a month. (though I do kinda wish this was more frequent). I love when she pleasures me, but a huge part of this for me is giving her pleasure...and I can't! I'm not allowed! It's at least as important to me that I be able to provide her pleasure as it is to receive it myself.
When I tell her this and about my desire to stimulate and give her pleasure and indicate I feel like I'm somehow failing her in bed, she just accuses me of having self-esteem issues. I don't think that's the primary issue and it bothers me that she is so dismissive, but how can one not take a blow to their self-esteem when the person they love the most won't let them touch her!
She has said she's talked to her doctor about it, and it's more a physical issue than a psychological one (okay hemorrhoids). The doctor has apparently offered some solutions, but my wife hasn't pursued them and just seems to hope it will get better over time. When I try to talk to her about our intimacy, it obviously irritates her and that just perpetuates our lack of communication.
I want so much to give her pleasure, but am always turned away. I like sex, but being the only one who ever seems to derive pleasure from it makes me feel selfish and frustrated. I practice good hygiene, I tell my wife how beautiful she is (she really is!), I'm a great provider and father. I just don't know what to do, and it's making me very sad for what seemingly is being lost gradually and permanently. Any advice?
I've actually written a book about this very subject called, "The Sexless Marriage Cure: How to Get Your Spouse (or You) Interested in Sex Again." You will find it on Amazon Kindle. In essence what I think happens in situations such as yours is that your wife has lost the mental association between 'sex' and 'fun'. There are obviously many reasons for this but your job really is to recreate that association. There are quite a few different ways you can do this. Here are a few:
- work on making yourself as physically attractive as possible (grooming, weight, body shape, etc)
- create some sexual tension and excitement in your relationship (flirting, fantasising, making comments about other people, who you know and don't know)
- putting fun, laughter, lightness back into your general relationship - and then incorporating some sexual references and scenarios (fantasies).
It can take a while to build things back up, but essentially you want to put back a sexual undercurrent into your relationship so that your wife begins to think of sex as fun, adventurous and interesting again.
Also read a couple of books on sexual technique for men ('being a masterful lover' sort of thing) to make sure you're at the top of your game and really able to satisfy her (when she's ready).
Make your marriage fun, arouse her positive emotions, when it feels right make some easy, low-pressure sexual references - and gradually the sexual element will come back. It's relationship first, sex second. Keep your focus on that.
Hope this helps and all the best!