Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Marriage in distress
I am married woman of 35 with a 4-yr old kid and 7 years of marriage. My husband never wanted to go to US but due to our luck we shifted to US immediately after marriage. My husband was adamant to come back to India after working for few years in US. I somehow used to convince him to atleast get a GC so that we can get good opportunities to work in US. I am an engineer and wanted to work but due to visa issues in US I never got a chance to work here. I convinced my husband to apply for GC and he did. We were lucky to get in much earlier than expected. We got our GC last feb 2012 but since dec 2011 we both have had tremendous health issues with him having fistula problems and underwent 6 surgeries and me facing thyroid cancer underwent 13hrs surgery and landed in ICU….it was horrid situation for all of us and dealing with it ever since. I even developed arthritis problems in my hands because I all alone had to take of him, my baby and myself….
And amidst all this we used to have frequent fights and compatibility issues and I have been under tremendous stress emotionally and mentally ever since. To let you know a few things about my husband- he is a perfectionist and much disciplined …a meticulous person and I think he expects the same from people around him. His sister one day told me that he is a dictator sometimes but is nice. While I am just the opposite of him…I love to laugh and enjoy and be cheerful all the time but in front of him I just panic to open my mouth and tend to make mistakes. Many a times he told me that I am not the person for him and he deserves somebody better. It is so difficult to convince him and he is not happy about how I do things. He thinks he is perfect and makes perfect choices so takes all the decision. I used to give in.
Ultimately we lost all that spark and trust a married couple should have. Last year in sept 2012 he wrote a letter to his sister describing all that he is not happy about and all the bad traits about me and writing all that small small day-to-day issues that I don’t throw the trash on time and I don’t wear appropriate clothes, I am dumb and will not be able to make a career and 1000 other things and I involve my mom in every petty issues which is so not true. He wrote the letter in a very awful manner and he even emailed a copy of letter to me. I was so shocked to read that I couldn’t bear it and was packing my bags to leave with my kid. He said if I leave with the kid he would call the police. I was again so shocked that I felt committing suicide.
I carried all this resentment all this time so bad….The situation is worst today…we don’t talk to each other…I many a time refuse to have sex with him due to all that bitterness and hatred I carry in my heart…he even removed me from all his social networking accounts and separated me from his bank accounts…he is also not in good terms with my family members…
He now thinks that it is not good to stay back in US because we are having so much health and relationship issues here and he started looking out for jobs in India without informing me. He now got a good offer in hand and suddenly disclosing the news to me that we have to go back. I confronted him that even I wanted to work here in US and I waited for so long for this opportunity after having a GC. He said he has plans to stay in india for next 2 years and if he feels better there he will not come back to US. He is not at all thinking about me? I don’t know whether to trust him he says that if I get an opportunity to work in US in future I can always come back and work…he said we can take re-entry permits and leave for 2 years…
I don’t know how will that work out since I have been reading forums that I should return within 2 years to maintain GC status otherwise it gets revoked…my trust on him has been shaken completely and I do not know how to trust him?
I am not able to make a decision when I think of separation it would affect my kid…I don’t want to give my kid a broken home…but at the same time I don’t want to live a dictated life with a dictator. Also on the other hand its been a 7 years gap I have not worked and I am just so shattered confused and dejected about how I wasted my time for him that one day he would allow me to work. I have lost all that confidence to bounce back in this relationship and how don’t know to where to start in my career…PLS HELP!!
This is a catch 22 situation but I do not think that you can stop him from going back to India. I assume that most of your family and friends are in India, so why not give it a shot? Come back and test the waters here, the job market in India is gradually picking up. It will help you tremendously to be amongst friends and recuperate faster. Your kid is small now and cannot understand much but constant squabbling can leave him scarred for life once he grows up. So for once try this approach and let your husband know that you are agreeing to his plans only to work on things! It's not over yet and your marriage still stands a chance.