Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Need Suggestion
QUESTION: I have been married since 3 and half months ago. My wife is well educated and has done her M.sc and persueing her PhD now. But I feel she is kiddish and has not understood the husband-wife relationship.
She keeps quarreling with my mom and my sis for even trivial reasons. She tells that my mom has started fighting with me first and always she will be blaming on my mom and my sis. She will do the work but not completely. She will do pooja at home and all other work. She always forces me to go to her fatherís house but due to busy schedule, I could not able to visit her fatherís house after marriage even once. She went to ashada for a month and after completion of this ashada, we went to pick her as per the policy.
Then, after 20days, we decided to go to her fatherís house and we are about to start to leave our house but she refused to go due to my momís words that come early at 6pm tomorrow. My wife told not to my mom not to interfere with us and was rudely behaved with my mom by speaking bad words. On next day, my wife discussed with my sis for general matters but my sis and mom were shouted on my wife. So, my wives angrily called her parents and her parents fighted with us and get her daughter to her house. After going to her house, her mother spreads ours bedroom matters to the entire world. I felt very ashamed of listening those words and about to die by listening those words but I am alive due to my wife and I love her very much. My wife mother is the keymaker to make my wife separated with all these issues bigger. Now, 2 and half weeks, but still she have not come to our house and scolding to my mom and sis and saying that ďI never come to your houseĒ like that and forcing me to make a separate house to me. I explained clearly that quarrels will be there in everyoneís life and this is common matters will be happened in everyoneís life. Even, I clearly told that be patience and come to our house and we will leave happily till our life ends but we should have patience and positive manner. I also told that I cannot make separate house and you have fighted with us and went and you should only come to our house. I am waiting for her till now but she is telling that she never comes to our house and if she wants to come, then I need to make separate house for her. I clearly trying to explaining what is life but she is not ready to accept this.
Only wrong thing I have done is I have not visited her father's house once also after our marriage. So, she kepping this matter and blaming all of us.
She is telling that she wants to continue with her Ph.D and she wants to go for work itseems.
Even though my wife mother spreads our bedroom matters, then also I accepted her and calling my wife to come to our house but she is not listening my words.
I am ready to accept my wife if she comes to our house and leave with our family.
Please suggest proceeding further.
If she comes, then quarrels will be there with my wife, me and my mom with those matters. So, please suggest me how to react if my wife comes to our house.
I am ready to accept her if she comes to our house but I am not ready to make separate house. My intention is this, we need to be patience till our time comes and we need to live with our family members and I am trying to explain her clearly whatever I know about life leading but she is not ready to accept. I called to my wife and told clearly that I cannot make separate house and you have to come to our house and lead the life. Now, she is telling that she will come to our house but she wonít talk with my mom and sis itseems.
If that is the case also, I cannot bear that pain where my wife and my mom donít talk. I want to be in a joint family and be happy with them. One side I canít live my parents and the other side I cant live my wife. I want both to leave happily.
I am such a situation where I canít live both. They are my both eyes
What should I do if this is the situation where I canít live both? I want to live with both of them.
Please guide me how to proceed with this situation?
If this situation, then how I need to lead a life?
ANSWER: Hi Raj~
You need to see if she'll sit down with you and have a serious heart to heart talk with you. She needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. It seems as though she expects certain things from you and if she doesn't get her way she throws a fit and will not give in until she gets her way. That's not how a marriage and a partnership work. It takes two people working together as a team, two people that love, care and try to be as supportive to each other as they can. She's clearly not doing this for whatever reason. And her family and mother aren't helping matters either. You can't force her to do something she refuses to do. So you need to lay out in front of her what you expect from her. And if she can't respect your wishes, then how does she expect you to return the same to her, if she won't budge on what she's demanding from you. A person likes to be treated with love and respect, not being demanded to do something. If you allow her to do this, she will keep doing it.
So what's your next option or plan? What are you ready, willing and prepared to do about all this, should she still refuse to come home and make a marriage with you? Are you willing to wait it out until she decides what to do. Or are you one that can't live like this and you'll be forced to move on with your life w/o her in it. Unless, of course, you give in to her demands and you keep/live in two separate house, which really just defeats the purpose of a marriage and having a partnership with someone. Talk to her and see what happens. If she refuses, then you'll have to figure out what to do and where to go from here on out. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for your suggestion.
Now, she is telling that she will come but she doesnít know when she will be coming. She registered her Ph.D now and my understanding based on her mind that she will come after completion of Ph.D. But, thinking to wait or not until she completes her Ph.D. Even I am happy that she is studying Ph.D and I told her that I will help her in her studies whatever required. But, she is telling that she came up with her studies with her heart decision and no one required helping in her studies itseems. So, I am very much depressed about this matter.
Now, also, she is scolding my parents that they always blame on me only and I am not supporting her like that. My intention is to leave with all till our life ends bcoz we should respect our parents and if we lead our life with the elder peoples, then we will come to know better about the life.
I cannot live with out her and she also doesnít like to live without me. We both love each other and we are ready to live with each other but she is telling that she doesnít know when she will be coming back.
I am not interested to make a separate house for her bcoz I need to look into my parents also. This is the only reason I am not interested to make separate house.
I am very much depressed about this matter. Please suggest how I need to lead a life further.
I don't think she really gets how badly this is affecting you. Just come right out and tell her that you're depressed and sad w/o her in your life right now. I understand that she's focusing on her studies right now and that's probably occupying a lot of her time. However, she needs to know that you're really down in the dumps and sad w/o her being there with you. You're being a good husband and supporting her to the best of your abilities. Have you told her that you feel that you're not married to her, b/c it's not much of a marriage if both parties aren't actively participating in this union. She has to realize that she's married, she's not single any longer. And if she can't act like a married woman, then you feel like moving on with your life on to someone who will love and appreciate all that you do for her. She's going to end up damaging this marriage beyond repair. You can only hold on and wait for her for so long before you need to seek someone who will make time for you and be with you like you need them to be. Perhaps she just don't know how much this hurts you.
The longer you keep allowing her to do this to you, she'll continue to use and take advantage of you and your kindness and sensitive, loving heart. And that's not okay by any means. As for your parents, yes, she should respect them, even if she doesn't like them. If she loved and excepted you like you do her, this wouldn't be such as issue. She's being very selfish right now, and in order to have a happy, healthy and successful marriage it takes two people as I mentioned in my other response. You really are doing everything right as a husband and are being way more patient than other people would be that are in your current situation. Don't let her treat you this way, it will only get that much worse as time goes on. Something has got to give and soon. Until you make a decision, try occupying your time with friends, spending time with family, ask for their advice if you have to. And keep yourself busy. You need to give her a time that she needs to make her decision by. As I said it's unfair to you for her to make you wait on her to decide what she wants to do. She's leading you on and wasting your time. Hang in there for the time being.