Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Question
QUESTION: I have been married since 3 and half months ago. My wife is well educated and has done her M.sc and persueing her PhD now. But I feel she is kiddish and has not understood the husband-wife relationship.
She keeps quarreling with my mom and my sis for even trivial reasons. She tells that my mom has started fighting with me first and always she will be blaming on my mom and my sis. She will do the work but not completely. She will do pooja at home and all other work. She always forces me to go to her fatherís house but due to busy schedule, I could not able to visit her fatherís house after marriage even once. She went to ashada for a month and after completion of this ashada, we went to pick her as per the policy.
Then, after 20days, we decided to go to her fatherís house and we are about to start to leave our house but she refused to go due to my momís words that come early at 6pm tomorrow. My wife told not to my mom not to interfere with us and was rudely behaved with my mom by speaking bad words. On next day, my wife discussed with my sis for general matters but my sis and mom were shouted on my wife. So, my wives angrily called her parents and her parents fighted with us and get her daughter to her house. After going to her house, her mother spreads ours bedroom matters to the entire world. I felt very ashamed of listening those words and about to die by listening those words but I am alive due to my wife and I love her very much. My wife mother is the keymaker to make my wife separated with all these issues bigger. Now, 2 and half weeks, but still she have not come to our house and scolding to my mom and sis and saying that ďI never come to your houseĒ like that and forcing me to make a separate house to me. I explained clearly that quarrels will be there in everyoneís life and this is common matters will be happened in everyoneís life. Even, I clearly told that be patience and come to our house and we will leave happily till our life ends but we should have patience and positive manner. I also told that I cannot make separate house and you have fighted with us and went and you should only come to our house. I am waiting for her till now but she is telling that she never comes to our house and if she wants to come, then I need to make separate house for her. I clearly trying to explaining what is life but she is not ready to accept this.
Only wrong thing I have done is I have not visited her father's house once also after our marriage. So, she keeping this matter and blaming all of us.
She is telling that she wants to continue with her Ph.D and she wants to go for work itseems.
Even though my wife mother spreads our bedroom matters, then also I accepted her and calling my wife to come to our house but she is not listening my words.
I am ready to accept my wife if she comes to our house and leave with our family.
If she comes, then quarrels will be there with my wife, me and my mom with those matters. So, please suggest me how to react if my wife comes to our house.
I am ready to accept her if she comes to our house but I am not ready to make separate house. My intention is this, we need to be patience till our time comes and we need to live with our family members and I am trying to explain her clearly whatever I know about life leading but she is not ready to accept. I called to my wife and told clearly that I cannot make separate house and you have to come to our house and lead the life. Now, she is telling that she will come to our house but she wonít talk with my mom and sis itseems.
If that is the case also, I cannot bear that pain where my wife and my mom donít talk. I want to be in a joint family and be happy with them. One side I canít live my parents and the other side I cant live my wife. I want both to leave happily.
I am such a situation where I canít live both. They are my both eyes
What should I do if this is the situation where I canít live both? I want to live with both of them.
If this situation, then how I need to lead a life?
ANSWER: I'm not exactly sure what culture your from and it really doesn't matter to the answer that I will be giving but I want you to become aware of those differences while considering my answer.
Culture and the norms of the culture play an important role in defining our relationships especially for those who are older and more established within those cultures, your parents and your wife's parents, their expectation will be much more regulated by that culture than perhaps you or your wife should allow.
First and foremost you and your wife are one. That is the unit of consideration that all decisions should center around. I presume you love your wife and that she loves you but I suspect that the cultural pressures from both sides are influencing your decisions and your responsibilities creating a rift between what should be an unbreakable bond.
My suggestion is quit simple really but may be harder to implement based on what you've mentioned in your question. it's not uncommon for women from different families not to get along, your wife is your wife and should have the final say in matters pertaining to you and her, with your equal impute of course. But this is where your culture gets in the way, you expect your wife to be subservient to your mother and put aside her own desires and life happily under the roof of another when she wants her own home and household.
Would you expect a queen of one kingdom to live happily under the roof of another queen and not have issues? your wife is your queen and deserves her own kingdom. If you want this marriage to work find a place of your own, apologize to your wife and her family and put things right. If you could not create a separate life for you and your wife in the beginning then perhaps you should have not gotten married.
Now that you are married make it right, find a place, let your wife help find your kingdom and start your own family unit. This will not detract from your mother or sisters nor will it detract from your wife's parents but will only strengthen your relationship by allowing you and your wife the independence required to grow together.
In the past your culture perhaps expected the wife to live in harmony with the husbands family but that norm is quickly being replaced with independence and may not work in Canada nor will it continue to work in the future in the country of your origin, world norms are changing rapidly and we need to change with them but at the same time protect our important cultural identities.
If you have any questions about what I've said or concerns or clarification please feel free to ask this is an important time in your life and it's important that you make the right choices to salvage the love you have with your wife.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for your suggestions.
We are from Hindu family and arranged marriage. I cannot live my parents nor my wife. They are both my eyes. I cannot lose my both eyes
I am in this situation. Please suggest how should I need to move forward.
I understand your dilemma but you are most likely going to have to make a choice. There is the possibility of reconciliation but that would require all parties to agree and want to participate, I doubt that will work but its worth a try.
Other than that you may have to simply choose one or the other and if you believe you have a real love with your wife that choice must be with her, if you have doubts about your marriage then face them now and move on.