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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/I'm a stay at home mother of 9 and my husband refuses to work?


My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 9 children (two sets of twins.) After we had our first children, we decided it would be best if I stayed at home to spend more time with them. At the time, he was running a successful business and doing very well, so there was no need for a second income.

In 2009, he started to lose some of his major accounts because he wasn't following instructions and the economy was starting to struggle. We began to get money from my relatives to help us back back on our feet. By 2011, he was officially unemployed and was continuing to take money from my relatives. We also had to apply for EBT and unemployment. He was unwilling to go back to school to get training that was in demand although he had plenty of chances to do that. Instead, he tried to start multiple other businesses, all of which failed.

As of right now, he still hasn't gotten a job/training. Any job he does get, he either quits or gets fired. We're still on Welfare and my relatives continue to help, although only for the children's sake.
I, on the other hand, I have been out of the workforce for a long time and don't have any up to date training. My family refuses to help me pay for any training because of all the money he's taken already.

I'm not sure what to do but I know I can't let this cycle continue. He seems oblivious to what this is doing to me and the children; even when we got foreclosed on and had to move to a smaller house, he still refused to get a good job.

I'm in a desperate situation and need help. How do I make him see what he's doing? Because whatever I do, it always seems like a lose-lose situation. He refuses to leave voluntarily and I feel trapped.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm sorry if this is unclear or too much to take in.

Thanks so much for any help,


I suspect that your husband is having serious psychological problems.  I don't say this from evidence but from the story and situation your in it would be impossible for a healthy man to want to continue to live like he has chosen to live without regard to his wife and children.

you are indeed trapped and my advise is to seek out local area resources that would allow you to get retraining and education in order for you to take the reins of your family and if your so inclined get your husband the help he needs and if not get a divorce.

you may want to pursue the divorce option right away, there are free services in many areas to help women who find themselves abused by their husbands. (abused by his neglect of fatherly responsibilities and failure to act like a husband in supporting you and the kids)

One other option you might be able to pursue is coming up with a concrete plan that you could bring to your relatives. a substantial plan that outlines your goals for independence and education for self sufficiency, with a strict time frame and time sensitive goals that must be included and met in order to continue.  Submit this plan to them and perhaps they will be more inclined to provide support when they know in the end it will actually save them money over the long term...

Also I would seriously consider getting your husband to go to counseling....and regardless if he gets better and goes to work you need to prepare for the future...

I wish you all the best, I hoped I helped.
good luck


Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Richard Taylor


After 30 years of marriage and 10 children I can comfortably answer questions about developing or salvaging a strong marriage relationship.


Relationships fail almost exclusively due to individual selfishness or inappropriate activities outside of the marriage contract. Almost any marriage can be salvaged and can flourish. There are exceptions, adultery, abuse and addictions may sever the trust to such an extent that a marriage may not survive.

In addition to my personal experiences I have over 15 years of special education experience with a Masters in special Ed.

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