Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/sexless marriage
QUESTION: Hi, thank u for taking the time to assist people by answering questions.
im a 21 year old marriage.my wife and I have been married for about fourteen months and we had a baby four months ago. Before the baby we would have sex one-three times a week. ( we didnt have premaritial sex for religious reasons) even though we didnt do it often, it really helped our relationship because we didnt see each other much due to full time work and schook. Now since the baby was born we have had sex twice. And i think we need it now more then ever because weve had more arguments. But it gets very hard because by the time the baby is asleep i am really tired, and cant wait uo. The other night we tried but between my exhaustian and the baby being in the room i couldnt perform and we felk adleep.i think between the increased arguments and no sex the tension is really becoming tangible. Do u have any advice? Im sorry for the length of the question.
ANSWER: "intimacy keeps you glued together. It's what you need in order to nurture your connection to your spouse. You'll be a lot happier with each other and feel more cared about if you're regularly having sex.without sex, it's important to address the problem, so months don't become years,Otherwise, anger and frustration builds, and it takes longer to fix it that way."
But with kids, work and chores, it may be the only way." Take inspiration from the Obamas and call it "date night." Think back to when you and your spouse actually were dating and try to recapture some of those spontaneous, getting-to-know-you moments.Remember how you connected back then and repeat that," It could be a few words, a gesture, a kind of look or touch." Do new things together, get a babysitter or try some thrilling activities to try to keep things fresh. "Break away from your routine as much as possible,It's common for spouses to have different amounts of sexual desire. If you're the spouse who's unsatisfied, it's important to communicate with your partner, compassionately."Say, 'We haven't had sex in a while, and I miss you,'Don't complain about it — that's not going to get you laid. Go for the sweetness." Choose the time of day that works for both of you; maybe set the scene with some candlelight, romantic music or whatever helps you both get into the mood. "Try to make it as easy and simple as possible to get together, and it gets easier to do," "In a long-term marriage, you have to pay attention to keep the sex going. It won't keep going by itself."
X-rated movies together and opening a dialogue about each other's sexual desires. What gets each couple — and each person — back on track will vary, so explore ways to loosen up your current attitudes about sex, shake up your routine a bit and begin to talk about sex with your partner,different positions like oral or doggy style or u on top or creams and toys and oils and candles.The focus needs to be on giving and receiving pleasure," Maybe you can hold your partner while they masturbate." That's why it's important to keep an open dialogue with your spouse, to continue to connect on other levels and to make sure both of you are truly content with the status of the relationship. Steinhart adds, "It's not a lack of sex that's the issue, it's a discordant level of desire."Find alone time (both together and apart) is very difficult for new parents. You are dealing with a very new physical and emotional experience. It is very important, however, for you both to remain a strong and intact unit for both your child and your relationship. If possible, find a regular way to have alone time. Perhaps have Mom come every other week or hire a babysitter with whom you feel comfortable. Sometimes setting the time aside beforehand is easier than trying last-minute to secure childcare and finding someplace to go.Remember what you both liked to do before you had the baby and continue those pursuits as much as possible. If you are at dinner and feel that the baby is taking up too much of the conversation implement a "no baby talk zone" for an hour. Remember the ways you connected earlier in your relationship and try to strengthen that connection viewing each other not only as "Mom and Dad," but as the people you were prior to giving birth. Do things that create an experience for the two of you, such as taking a class together, reading the same book, or even just watching a show together each week. Most important, talk to each other and verbalize what you both need. Being open and honest with each other will only strengthen your bond as partners, but also as parents.COMMUNICATION is so key. there can be so many misconceptions and assumptions made at this time. we all want love and affection, but the timing isnt always right, one of you is tired, the baby needs something...no need to add hurt feelings and assumptions to the list. make a date night once or twice a month. make sure neither of you feel pressured or hurried or its not worth it. mabey take a shower together while the baby is sleeping! put our baby down the same time every night. We try between 6 and 7 every night. It makes it so we have some time for the two of us each night, like we did pre baby. Some people might say 6 or 7 is early when you work full time... but even if you have to make it 7 - 8. It is wonderful to sit on the couch together looking at the baby monitor knowing we get to relax for at least 3 hrs. :) Just remember, nowadays "Hey, the baby is asleep." *wink wink* counts as foreplay. It is important to remind each other that even though this tiny little person seems to take up every minute of your time, you are husband and wife first, and mommy and daddy second. You both need to make each other feel loved.
have to find alone time. Find someone to take baby while you go to dinner or a movie. We know you love baby, but try to focus the conversation on something else other than baby. It is important to remind each other that you care and you haven't forgotten about them. little gestures or romantic notes are always fun to give and receive!take advantages of the times when baby is sleeping. between 1 month thru about 4 months they sleep longer during the day so that gives you some time to talk or whatever. i went babys schdedule and we did have those interuppted nites. but its all worth it.have a date night and make baby talk off limits. do something that reminds you of life before kids and it will help you both remember that you had a life before your children. don't beat yourself up about it though. your kids are part of your life together now, so it's only normal you would talk about them! There are three messages that are important to remember: 1)Small Things Often...a kiss, a neck massage, doing an errand, leaving a note; 2)What You Choose to Do and Say Every Day Matters...touch or hold your partner's hand when you express what you want or need...look at a picture of your falling-in-love days and tell each other why you felt so special, have code words for special times you'll share together, take a calming breath before you say something you'll regret and see if you can find a more loving way to say it; 3) Respect always and repair often...everyday find (even just minutes) time to hold each other and share one positive thing about each other or about what partner has done for you. Too, remember that there are many ways to be intimate...Daily affection solidifies the connection! very strict about keeping a date night
If you can just pull through and tell yourself that this is the hardest time the two of you will most likely ever face together and that you are not alone, then I think it makes the darkest times a little easier. If you can hold on, then your relationship will be that much stronger in the long run. Communication is the key to any "problem" that may come about. My husband and I always knew that we needed to talk about the problem to get it solved, so we never really had problems with frustration or miscommunication. We would take turns having time to ourselves, and we had our time together depending on the baby's schedule and of course, the grandparents are always taking him to their houses. I really don't think there is anything harder, and so many moms corroborate this. One reason that it's harder than parenthood is because being a spouse doesn't have to be, whereas being a parent is forever.You need to actually stop thinking about the baby when the 2 of you are alone. It won´t be easy, but you did have a life before the baby arrive. God bless u,good luck feel free to rate me if i have helped in any way,i am here to help in any situation so feel free to email me back,i love to keep in touch and see how things is going,i have a love for helping others,peace be unto u and upon u,i will be praying also for the 3 of u,have an extraordinary day
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank u very much for the advice, we are Jewish, but nonetheless I appreciated the sentiment of your prayer. We are pretty young, both 21, so for me I am still adjusting to a lot of this but I found your advice to 've very insightful and I hope to implement it. I took your advice as to taking advantaged of the time when the baby is asleep and sneaking in shower time and it worked out very well. Even without sex the intimacy is really nice. Hopefully I can implement the rest of your suggestions as well.
ANSWER: thank you,glad it worked out for you all;Happy Valentine day!share with her these
On Valentine's Day we think of those
Who make our lives worthwhile,
Those gracious, friendly people who
We think of with a smile.
I am fortunate to know you,
That's why I want to say,
To a rare and special person:
Happy Valentine's Day!
If Not For You
If not for you, I wouldn’t know
What true love really meant.
I’d never feel this inner peace;
I couldn’t be content.
If not for you, I’d never have
The pleasures of romance.
I’d miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of love’s sweet, silly dance.
I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You’re it; I have no choice.
If not for you, I’d be adrift;
I don’t know what I’d do;
I’d be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.
I always looked for someone I could live with, but ended up finding someone I can't live without. Happy Valentines Day. I Love You.Through all the changes
in my life, your love
constant and unconditional.
Though at times
you may have questioned,
worried or wondered...
you never stopped loving me.
On this day of love
I want you to know how very much that means.
You who have loved me first,
love me best.
Thank you for all the love you've shared.
There's a special place
within my heart
that only you can fill.
For you had my love
right from the start
and I know you always will;This Valentine's Day
I thought we would have
some good clean fun.
Meet me in the tub
Even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Till the end of time
•The day “You” told me that “You” loved me too is perhaps one of the happiest days of my life.
email her the following or personalize and let her see,special if u email to her and she open up
then copy paste this and email to her or let her see or rewrite
To my darling ____,
As I’m sitting here writing you this letter, you are fast asleep in bed. I woke up early, as I always seem to do on days when we can sleep in, and instead of getting upset about it, I glanced over at you, saw how peaceful you looked, and smiled. How can I possibly be upset when I wake up next to a man I’m so in love with? I quietly got out of bed, because the last thing I wanted to do was wake you from your peaceful sleep, and I was so overcome with love that I decided to write this letter.
I should express my love and appreciation more than just once a year on Valentine’s Day, but sometimes I think we let our busy lives get the better of us. We have our special “date nights,” but I think it’s easy to forget how much we mean to each other.
I know I’ve been working a lot lately, and you’ve had your share of work too, but knowing that I get to come home to you makes all of the work and late nights worth it. You brighten up my day with your smile, with your late night grilled cheeses, with your popsicle stick jokes, and with your love.
I’m so happy to be spending another Valentine’s Day with you, because you are my Valentine all year long.
Thank you for everything you do for me, for your constant support, and for always being there for me. I’m so glad to have you in my life!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love and kisses,
or this or both to her
To My Wife _____,
I was going to wake you up, Sweetheart, to say goodbye before I went to (insert place here), but I know you're tired. You do so much for everyone in your life.
That's not the reason I fell in love with you though, back when we first met at (insert place here). I think the first thing I noticed about you is what made me love you -- (insert what first made you love her/him). When you (insert action) I get such a warm feeling, it's almost like you're the sun and I'm wrapped in your warm glow. No one else can make me feel like this, only you.
I try to tell you I love you in my own way almost everyday by (insert action here) and I really mean it, but I don't think you know the depth of my devotion to you. I'd willingly give up my life for you. I'd sacrifice everything I have to make you happy. If you asked me to, I'd give up my job and move wherever you wanted to go and I'd be happy, as long as I was with you.
I'm not very good with words and that's why I'm writing this instead of trying to say it. So many times I've tried to tell you how I feel, only to lose the words and change the conversation to something else. But this time, that's not going to happen, because I'm writing my feelings down You're always telling me I'm (insert description here) and you're right, but that doesn't mean I don't love you.
As I go through my day today, I'll be thinking about you like I do everyday. I hope you're thinking about me too. I think of your lips, your eyes, your arms and how they hold me close at night. You make me feel emotions no one has ever made me feel. My world starts when I walk through the door and see your face, (Insert Name Here). Until tonight when I hold you close, remember...
I love you,
good luck and God bless both of you and ur lil one
happy valentine day to you both
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi there, I'm not sure if u remember me, in the past you provided me with very helpful advice regarding intimacy with my wife. This is somewhat unrelated, in your response, you mentioned the idea of trYing new things. Would you suggest just bringing it up randomly? Also, you mentioned putting your child to sleep at around 6-8. Is that a standard time? I ask because we have been putting him to sleep much later. And I'm wondering if I'm wrong to do so. Sorry to trouble u again. All the best
email me as much as u want,i am here to help,never feel that u is bothering me,that's why i am here to hopefully help you at anytime.best to put baby sleep earlier than later,this gives u two some quality time together.Don't let your job or the kids or time with friends and extended family interfere with your marriage.Schedule a weekend just for the two of you. Write it on your calendar, put it on your computer planner, etc. Don't change it for any other event. You don't have to go anywhere.
Have lunch together once a week. On nice days, meet in a park. Do chores together like the dishes or weeding. It may not sound like quality time, but it can be.
When you are running errands together, turn off the radio or CD player in the car and talk with one another.
Take showers together.Hire a babysitter to watch the kids for a couple hours even though you are home. This works wonders!.Schedule dates with one another. Having an evening or afternoon out together twice a month is a good beginning.Have a one night stand with each other.
Bottom line: if you don't schedule time for one another, you won't have the time.
As you examine your schedules, look for ways to trim it that will give you both a sense of hope for your future.•Make sure the two of you are connecting with each other each day. This can be accomplished by a long kiss or hug, a back rub or a quick head massage with a tingler, daily dialogue time, a morning snuggle, playing a game together, having some cuddle time, or taking a walk around your yard.•Don't watch the news every night, or read the full newspaper every day. Don't read Twitter or your RSS feed every day. They steal time from you.
•Have at least one date night each month. Sometimes reserving the same date each month helps in not scheduling something else on your date night.
private time is essential,quality time 2gether
•Send emails to each other and leave love notes around the house.
•Find ways to make the most of every precious moment you have with each other.
i think a lot of people stop being friends and lovers when they become parents,Quality time is important and sometimes you grab it where you can. After you have kids you are still a man and a woman. You have to make time for the marriage or it might wither
it is important to have alone time with your spouse. time to interact with them, have an intimate moment with them, not necessarily having sex, but making love, passionate love. kids complete a family but a marriage is only two people, so those two people have to work on their relationship, so it won't be vulnerable. for one having a tv in your bedroom is not good at all, it should be time that you both spend on each other not watching tv. If you don't find time to be a couple, you will turn into just roommates.
I believe your spouse should be your best friend. They should be the person that supports you and you can vent at when you need to.
I don't believe in lying in a marriage but I do believe in letting the little things slide for the sake of peace.a point to have quality time after the kids are put to bed and the chores are done. Just like an hour at the end of the day. We try to have a little quiet and relaxation. Just really try to slow down time. We leave the TV off. We would talk or just spend time in the same room just relaxing. its doesn't matter. All that matters is you are spending time together as a couple.We do also date night a couple times a month where we drop the kids off at a family members place for the night or weekend and just do whatever we want.
Also, try going on a couple's vacation for a week to respark your fire. It's separate from the family vacation. Again you need family to help out when you are away.
you always need romance in the marriage whether it's going out to dinner and talking (yes, i said talking), taking a trip to the museum, or even just having a picnic alone. There's a time for family nite and there's a time for husband and wife nite (or afternoon). When you're married you're lovers as much as you are friends and each aspect needs attention.
keep computer and t.v. screens away from baby's sleeping area. Bright lights suppress melatonin (the hormone that helps regulate sleep and wake cycles) and can keep your baby awake. You can turn on a baby light or a night light if this calms your baby.If your baby still does not fall asleep and keeps crying, give him/her a pacifier, then rock him/her or walk around with him/her in your arms so that the motion will soon lull baby to sleep. Performing stationary lunges with baby in your arms creates a gentle, rocking motion that helps put baby to sleep. Sometimes gently rubbing babies between the eyes, where the bridge of the nose should be, can relax them enough to fall asleep. Invest in essential oils. Use bath products that contain essential oils such as rosemary, lavender, and chamomile, as they promote relaxation and sleep. You can even make your own reed diffuser for the nursery using these oils; buy organic oils when possible.
In the majority of cases, a baby’s biological clock is preset for an early bedtime. When parents work with that time, a baby falls asleep more easily and stays asleep more peacefully. Most babies are primed to go to sleep for the night as early as 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. I often hear about how babies and toddlers have a “melt down” period at the end of the day, when they get fussy, whiny and out of sorts. I suspect that it’s simply a sign of over-tired children longing for sleep.
For babies, early to bed does not mean early to rise! Most babies sleep longer with an earlier bedtime. Many parents are afraid to put their baby to bed so early, thinking that they will then face a 5 a.m. wake up call. But keeping your little one up too late backfires, and more often, a late night is the one followed by that early morning awakening.
keep your home quiet and the baby’s room dark so that it resembles his usual environment in the middle of the night. If this bedtime is substantially earlier than usual, your baby may think he’s going down for a nap and awaken after a short snooze. If he does this, respond very quickly so that he doesn’t fully awaken. Follow your usual method for helping him fall back to sleep, such as rocking or nursing; keep the room dark and quiet as you do during the middle of the night.
It may take a week or more of adjustment to settle into a new bedtime, but once you do, you’ll find that both you and your baby are happier.hope this helps,feel free to email me nytime,rate me if helps,good luck