Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Husband may lose job over unethical behavior
QUESTION: I love my husband of 6 years but I am having difficulty trusting him. 6 years ago he went to a funeral of the sister of an ex girlfriend and made out with the girlfriend at the funeral. I did not go. We discussed it. I was very hurt especially since he asked me not to come and I trusted him enough to be okay with him going alone. It took me a long time to trust him again.
Now I believe he has a crush on a student teacher at his high school. He is not her mentor teacher but he has struck up a friendship with her. She is 22 and he is 63. I do not like his behavior around her. For example, he has tried to help her get access to the district network even though they have a strict policy that no student teacher will have their own log in. He has bypassed the rules by giving her a key to the school after she complained to him that she was told no by the principal and her mentor teacher. She only teaches one class a week and it is a safety issue as well.
So he could lose his job if someone found out. He says he does not agree with the rule so I said if that is the case then why did you not go through proper channels to get her a key. Why didn't you speak to her mentor teacher who has been your friend for 26 years. You have known this girl for one month yet you are willing to risk your job for this?
We have been fighting about this for days. He talks about her all the time. She is always whining about some perceived bad treatment and he is always defending her. She is using him. I think she has his number and can see he is an easy mark. He is our primary bread winner. I am worried. Also if he is willing to break rules at work like this is he more vulnerable to cheating? What should I do?
ANSWER: Hi Lola,
It is called mid life crisis. Even at 63. I know about mid life crisis, I have had several. As we get older, we long for those glory days when we were attractive, vital and felt really good about our selves. So we look for ways to prove to ourselves we are still"the man". Usually it is a passing phase. Some times we do some really stupid stuff. What we are usually looking for is validation that we still matter. That we are still attractive. And that we still have "it".
You have talked with him about his behavior. What you want to be careful about is not step all over his ego. That is what is driving his behavior. What you want to do is show him that to you he still matters. Maybe dial up the affection a little. Maybe reach for his hand a little more, smile a little more, hugs. Find things to do together. Make sure you show him that you appreciate all he does. A hug and a smile and a thank you when he does something around the house.
Often, after several years together we sort of take each other for granted. That is a major problem in many relationships. Think back to when you first met and the things you did then. Try to rekindle some of that. It doesn't hurt to remind yourselves of those great times.
You are most likely not getting enough affection and appreciation as you need also. But good news is that as you do your part he should increase his for you.
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QUESTION: Hi Tom,
Thanks for your quick response. I can totally see that this is a mid life crisis issue. He says he would do it if she was a male but he has had several male interns over the years and never broken rules for them.
The only thing I don't understand is what if your sex life is already good. We have sex anywhere from every other day to once a day. I tell him how handsome I find him, that I think he is a great teacher. Maybe I could smile more. I just had surgery and am not in the best space right now.
What I am asking is how long will this go on? Do these last years? Months?
I am sorry, for the delay. I thought I had answered this question.
Months not years. Often just a few weeks. You have expressed some concerns to him and that is good. When you see him doing really stupendous stuff, nothing wrong with a gentle reminder to stop and think.