Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Multiple Issues, When Do You Deem Marriage Salvageable?
Thank you for offering your time and expertise to people like myself who are seeking guidance.
I'm 27, and have been married to my 38 year old husband for 6 years. We have been together for 8. We have three children: ages 5, 2, and 6 months old.
I feel my marriage is crumbling and I feel incredibly lost. Before we met, my husband had kicked a heroin problem and was a year sober when we got together. He has not went back to that part of his life, but rather adopted alcohol as a substitute. He didn't drink except for special occasions the first couple years of our marriage. He didn't start to have an issue with it until 2012. We were in a rut financially and he was stressed. He started to drink a couple "40s" a few night a week,which turned into every day. We purchased a "fixer" house once our money situation got better and renovations would have taken place until the birth of our 2nd son in August 2012. The "renovations," took forever due to the fact that he and his help that he enlisted took beer breaks, so much that I came home after my c-section, the house a war zone with half-finished projects and my oldest at his nana's until my husband finished up a "few projects."
I was heartbroken and stressed. It took a long time for me to recover as I tried to fix up everything around the house, and ripped open my c-section. A renovation for the guest bath didn't get finished until we sold our house in August 2014. It was very tense in our house for a year as he changed jobs and never found the success that he sought. He started drinking more, slipped up with drug use while working out of state in June 2013 for a week. I put my foot down, and demanded counseling for each of us. We went for 5 months, things were better and we tried to connect more. I found out I was pregnant in October 2013 with a high risk pregnancy, and was very cautious ( I had a condition where I hemorrhaged in my uterus and activity aggravated the bleeding). He left his job as a car salesman in November 2013 to stay home with me as my life was at stake as well as our unborn baby's.
I did not get much help from him emotionally or around the house. He didn't cook, only did the bare minimum cleaning and I was left with the rest to deal with. His drinking suddenly started back up, once I was cleared for normal activity in January 2014 he didn't seek work. He was met with life changes, as well. He's adopted and met his bio mother. This was a source of turmoil for him, because he never got the answers of "why," like he hoped. His bio mom was going to leave town and I had no interest in going as she was a horrible person (ex-junkie, laid guilt trips on him about support for herself, was very cryptic about her life and would not even tell him who his father was, or even what city he was born in). April 27th was a few days before she left, and he must have drank for nearly 3 nights straight. He remembers nothing, but I do. I told him to please stop drinking, and approach the idea of his mother carefully. I was told to "f off." I said, I wasn't happy anymore and he needed to make a choice if he wanted to live his life this way. He brought up his bio fam, I said that "do you want to be like them? giving away their lives and children because of what they could get high from? It's disgusting." He then threw a beer can at my face and pushed me, smacked and punched me on the back of my head, neck, and shoulders. He had NEVER put his hands on me before ever. It was like seeing another person entirely.
He remembered nothing and didn't understand why I left with the kids for a few days and told him. I couldn't leave for good due to the laws in our state regarding custody,assets,etc. I had nothing.I was 8 months pregnant and stuck. He cried and apologized and stopped drinking for a month.
Our son was born in May, we agreed on a fresh start. We sold our house in August and moved across the country. We are both within a year of completing our bachelor degrees. He has yet to seek work, but our savings are dwindling. I have went on interviews, but nothing has panned out. I've been out of work a year because of our kids (cheaper/safer for me to stay home) and that is a negative on my resume. He flunked his last semester in October due to being too drunk to function and he waited until the last minute to turn in work. October 28th a "quick trip to the bar" lasted a first leg of 4 hours. The second leg was a quick trip for cigarettes at midnight, but he didn't come home until 6am. He had $40 on him and our bank records show he took out $240 at a dive bar nearly a 1/2 mile from where he'd purchase cigarettes. He came home confused, bleeding, bruised and disheveled.
I asked him what happened and where he went, he says he doesn't know. I got a rag and soapy water and cleaned his face and I was being stern and kept asking what he did. He freaked out, screamed "NOTHING!" ripped the old receiving blanket I was using to clean him up and threw it at my face. I backed up and was like, you need to chill the out. I started to cry and said I was worried about him. i walked to the bottom of our bed and he started yelling "You're not fucking worried!Fuck you!" He then tried to kick me in the stomach but he was so messed up all that happened was he fell off the bed. I said maybe I should go, and he starts yelling that i can't take the boys.
I gave him a few minutes, came back in. Completely different mood change he kept making kissing noises in my direction and opened his arms for me to hug him. I didn't but i did check the back of his head, cleaned up his cut on the cheekbone (it looked worse than it was). He still won't answer me as to where he was, if he fell, he says he didn't get in a fight and there's only $28 in his pockets.
We've been fighting the past two weeks because I think his drinking has spiraled out of control. I've asked that he try rehab twice since October. I've printed out AA resources to which I get a "cool." Nothing happens. I found the university's resources on counselling, he doesn't want to go. He says I'm a miserable bitch who hates him and our kids.Which isn't true. i love the boys and haven't shown a hint of anger toward them. I have been noticing a rift between us because he says the way I act has a correlation with his drinking.
I'm pretty sure i have PPD/PPA. i'm tired, unenergetic, quick to cry and still adjusting to a move across the country, some health scares with the kiddos, and being a FT student and looking for work in a new city. I also don't feel very "sexual," either. I'm sure i'm not fun to be around, but I don't think he can blame all of this on me. I know I get frustrated and sad and have zero motivation but I do try to keep up my house responsibilities, but part of me asks "why bother? he doesn't love me, he doesn't care to get help." We barely talk and don't even sleep in the same room. Sex is non existent. I'm not sure if there is anything medically wrong with him as the 5 times he's initiated it he could not maintain an erection or was finished prematurely. We tried a sitter to go on a date a couple weeks ago, just to try and reconnect and it didn't work. We just do our chores, keep the kids happy, he plays on Facebook and watches sports and honestly I just wait for the day to be over.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and just put a fake face on for the boys. We've never fought in front of them, they've never seen their dad messed up, but one day they'll be old enough to understand.
We need help.
move on,misery loves company.it hurts to hear u tolerating all this drama,don't be his doormat.u cannot save what's lost,life too short.Ending a marriage may be the best course of action when communication and actions between spouses have become damaging or dangerous.i know God has better 4 u and ur kids.Watching for telltale signs that your marriage has become harmful and unhealthy can help you decide if you should part ways with your spouse. If communication with your spouse has reached this level of disrespect, divorce may be imminent.Your marriage is ideally meant to be a safe haven, and your spouse someone you can turn to for comfort, love and support. If that dynamic includes some form of abuse, divorce may be best for the entire family,When a spouse struggles with addiction, it can have a deeply neagtive effect on a marriage. Many marriages dwindle when an addicted spouse poses a danger or threat to the other spouse or family members, If you have stood by your addicted spouse for years and he seems unwilling or able to change, it may be time to consider saying goodbye.
Funny as it may be, most of the times, women arenít even aware they need to move on from a relationship until it becomes evident. Some of women logically know they should move on Ė yet they linger on anyway.ēThe truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is more than we can take. So to make things easier, we continue to live in our false reality. Some of my friends keep returning to ex-es who treated them badly or cheated on them in the past. They feel itís much easier to believe in the faith of their ex-es than admit to themselves that their boyfriends/husbands donít treasure their relationship that much.The fear of being alone drives us to cling on even when all seems lost.
ēWe are afraid of whatís next if we let go / move on. Having grown comfortable in the relationship, we are afraid of the change that will ensue if we break away from it. Whatís going to happen to me? How will my life change? But Iím already so comfortable with him/her! Will I be able to adapt to this new life? Thich Nhat Hanh said it well when he said ďWe rather stick with suffering that is familiar than pain that we donít knowď.
No matter what the reason is, avoidance never brings us anywhere in the long-term. Itís better to identify when a relationship is going nowhere so we can address it accordingly, rather than cling onto it in blind hopes that things will change. If we hold on to relationships that are not meant to be, we can never attract new things into our life. We will forever be living in the past than moving forward into the future.Iíve learned some telling signs on when itís time to move on. Below are top 12 signs to know when itís time to move on from a relationship Ė in particular romantic ones. They will be relevant whether itís a budding romantic relationship, a new/existing relationship or a past connection.When you live in past memories more than the present.
Do you replay the happy moments of the relationship to make you feel good about it? Do you use them as reasons to continue on with him/her? If so, itís a sign your current relationship isnít how you want it to be. The more we live in the past memories and/or a self-created future, the more we are living in a self-created reality. This is dangerous since itís not reflective of the actual state of the relationship. Past memories should remain as memories and not as a reason to stay together. Your decision on whether to stay with the person should be based on your current feelings for him/her, the actual state of the relationship and the future you see with him/her.When the relationship brings you more pain than joy.
Sometimes, we tend to be blinded by the past happy moments of the relationship. To the extent we forget about all the unhappiness it brings us. If your relationship leaves you frustrated/upset/unhappy more often than not; If your relationship is leaving you in tears every so often, perhaps this might not be the right person for you. The relationship you are in now should be one which brings you happiness now. Just like #1, if the main source of happiness of your relationship is from past memories, something is amiss.
When you stay on, expecting he/she will change.When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.
Whenever we experience a situation weíre uncomfortable about, we experience cognitive dissonance. It refers to the discomfort from being faced with something that conflicts against our beliefs. When this happens, we try to come up with explanations, justifications so we can feel good about the situation.free urself;This if we feel the need to justify an action, that means we are uncomfortable with the action itself and we want to explain away the discomfort. The danger behind this is that the explanations are self-created and may or may not be true. If you are repeatedly justifying his/her actions, the relationship becomes built on your rationalizations, rather than the reality. Likelihood is that you are living in your world of false assurances rather than the truth.When he/she is causing you emotional/physical/verbal hurt.
Physical and verbal abuse are definite no-noís. There is clearly something wrong if the other party abuses/hits/curses/swears at you, no matter how he/she tries to make up for it later. Even if it may be the spur of the moment, the fact that he/she lets slip in that moment shows there is something deep inside him/her that needs addressing.Emotional hurt is trickier. A lot of people negate emotional hurt because itís not visible. Ignore it, and itís not there. But emotional hurt is hurt all the same, if not worse. The wounds that are hardest to heal are the emotional ones, not the physical ones.the other party should be someone who respects you and is conscious enough of your feelings/well-being not to let you be hurt. If he/she has caused you hurt, you need to bring it to his/her awareness and address it together. Keeping mum about it is like handing a free pass to let the hurting behavior continue. If the same thing happens even after you have made efforts to address it, you need to reevaluate the relationship. If he/she canít care for you properly, he/she might not be the right person for you.Once might be a coincidence. Twice, you might want to give another chance. But 3 times is a clear sign something is wrong.Do you find yourself in replay mode in your relationship? Do you keep landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome, time and again, no matter what you do? If so, perhaps you need to accept this is the furthest the relationship can get to. You can keep pressing on, but itís a matter of time before it sinks in that thereís nothing further to go. This is the end of the road. There is a future for you and him/her, and this relationship isnít the route to that future.i pray this hels,peace be unto and upon u,happy holidays,if i have helped feel free to rate me,feel free to follow up or as for any advice,i am here for u,God bless u