Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Boyfriend and family


My boyfriend and I found out we were pregnant and moved in together. I has been a tough year with multiple mishaps including a death in the family. It was his brother and it has been nearly 10 months since his passing and I know that it is impossible to get over such things but it seems he has changed, which is understandable. But we have 2 children together I stay at home with them. He goes and works with his best friend. He goes to work 7-5 or 6. So he says, I've caught him lying about being at work and actually chilling at his buddies place. Which I wouldn't care except for he continually lies to me. He goes and plays softball on weekends. Never wants to go visit my family members and seems to think that I am his maid and baby sitter. I want things to work and I can't tell if I am just being crazy about it. But I want to know how to tell him what I want. I am not the type of person to stay in a relationship tht I don't feel is worth it but I do want to try to make sure that I exhaust all my options. I want him to be able to get out of the house but I never get to get out of the house, I can't trust him with the kids and acts like I'm too demanding and controlling. If I'm being crazy tell me! But every one says I'm not and that he's not grown up enough to be able to be in an adult relationship. Help!

Hi Amanda~

He's acting immature and like he's a bachelor, when clearly he's not one.  Some ppl just don't know how to deal with and to be responsible in life.  He helped you make those children and he should contribute to their well-being just as much as you do.  It's not okay for him to lie to you either, under any circumstances.  Lying makes a person untrustworthy, and what's a relationship w/o trust and respect?  Not much of one if I'm being honest here.  As you do, I fully understand losing a loved one, especially a close family member, it happens.  You have to mourn the loss and try to move on with your life.  Unfortunately death is a part of life.  A few years back we lost my brother in-law to a tragic motorcycle accident.  My husband didn't deal with his death in a normal way.  He has a funny way of showing emotion too.  My husband didn't really cry for his brother when he died.  He was angry.  I suppose that everyone deals with death in different ways, but my husband definitely isn't your typical man.  He had a rough life growing up and is to this day very hurt and resentful to the way he was treated, etc.  He and his brother weren't very close, and that might have some to do with the way he dealt with his death.  It's still upsetting to him to this day to even talk about it w/o him getting really upset (I think mostly due to the way his brother was, and how he lived his life and the list goes on), so I try not to bring it up to him.  Since it's a very sensitive topic with him.  So my point here is that everyone deals with death in their own way.  Maybe your BF just isn't motivated in life for whatever reason.  He could be dealing with some form of depression.

At any rate.  You need to see if you can sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this relationship.  He can't keep expecting you to stay at home and take care of the household and kids and not pull his weight around there.  It's unacceptable for him to continue behaving in such a manner (meaning lying to you, not being around to help you with the kids and house, bills or whatever).  If you keep allowing him to do this, you're enabling him and telling him that it's okay for him to continue to be this way.  If you ever tell him you're going to leave him and move on with your life, make sure that you do it and you follow through with what you say you're going to do.  If not, then he'll never take you seriously or at your word.  

You have some tough decisions to make in the near future, about whether you're going to stay or go.  Either way you have some changes to make.  You simply can't keep living like this.  It's way too stressful on you and the children.  And to answer your question, no, you're not overreacting at all.  If he can't be motivated to do the simplest things in life, then what's going to happen when things get tough in life.  Is he going to give up more and hang out with his buddies and continue lying to you.  His lying to you should be a deal breaker.  It's never okay to lie to someone, even if it's a small lie, b/c small lies lead to bigger lies, and before you know it you can't keep your lies straight.  Not cool at all.  Try to figure out why he thinks it's okay to lie to you.  Hopefully he'll listen to you and hear you out.  Maybe if he thinks he's going to lose you and the kids, he'll start thinking and he'll try to change.  I hope this helps you some.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.


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