Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/My marrige
QUESTION: Samantha I have recently contacted you and asked you a couple questions my wife is super mad at me for contacting her friends and family I keep doing it but I'm just reaching out to people that I thought she would be talking to I don't understand why she so mad at me for doing this her friends and family have called her and told her to get over it and just except what I've done but that's not what I asked them to do I didn't ask them to do anything like that just don't understand why people have to be like that she said if she wants her to trust me again I have to stop but I'm just reaching out trying to find some answers because she still don't know she just she still trying to find herself she said she's having a nervous breakdown but she doesn't want to get any help I seek out a Christian marriage counselor for myself but she don't want to go so what can I do
ANSWER: Hi Robert-
You can only control yourself not your wife. Work on and improve yourself. She's probably mad at you for contacting her friends and family b/c she's embarrassed b/c she didn't want them knowing your personal problems. However if you have friends in common then why not have someone to talk to that you can trust. If she gets mad let her. It's good that you can have someone to talk to. I don't know that I would divulge every little detail to them though. She'll either get over it or she won't. Go to counseling for yourself if you believe it will help you.
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QUESTION: Me my wife met for a drink the other night and we were talking and then I started out with my stupid stuff again tell her how much I love her and I'll much I can't be without her and I just want to fix our marriage and this and that and her reply was that she just wants to be friends for right now so what his friends in a relationship as a marriage that we been married for seven years how do you start out being friends and not bring up all the emotions that I have for her do I call her do I wait for her to call me or text me what do I do I'm so confused over all this just want to fix my marriage and be together again I'm just so confused
ANSWER: Hi Robert~
You need to listen to what you're wife is telling you. If she says she needs time and some space you'd better give it to her. I'm telling you this b/c if you don't, you keep acting this way and if she feels you're smothering her, it will have the exact opposite of what you want from her and you could end up pushing her further away from you. I can't stress this enough to you. I know you love her and you desperately want her back and to work on this marriage. But if you keep constantly contacting her and getting all emotional on her, she will see that you're so desperate it actually becomes a turn off not a turn on (for most anyone). It becomes a burden to her. I'm not trying to be mean to you, I'm wanting you to take heed when I say this and listen to me. I know it's extremely hard b/c you love her so much. Find something to do with your time, go for walks and occupy your time when you feel the need to contact her. Maybe specify once or twice per week when you can call her or check on her.
By the same token, you can't let her have a full year or whatever for her to decide what she wants to do either. There has to be some sort of time frame set up where you're both willing to come together and say we either work this marriage out or we don't. She can't keep you hanging on for dear life to find what she wants to do ultimately. You need to discuss this with her the next time you talk to her. It's normal to feel confused and to over react or to become overwhelmed with emotions and wanting to work things out quickly in your marriage. These things take time and everything is not going to be resolved in a matter of a few weeks or maybe even months. Talk with her about how long of a time frame she has in mind for making a decision on what to do about this relationship and marriage.
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QUESTION: I have asked her and that's all she says is I don't know what is I don't now there's a part of me that wants to leaver alone and there a part of me that can't not to guit I try given everything to God like in the book of Philippians 4:6 give all thing to god your hart and your mind thought. But it's just so hard she goes out all the time with freinds drinking and having a good time this is what she did when she was married to her ex and that's how we ment and I have cought her is a couple lyes but she still denies them I have asked her if she had sex with anyone but she says no I just don't understand I get so upset I mean if I tell her she has to start paying the bill she says yup I new this was coming she got in an accident the other day at 3 o'clock in the morning she didn't get a ticket for drinking and driving but she totaled the car I had ful coverage insurance on it but it paid the loan off and I got another loan and bought another car I mean I'm trying to do everything possible to show her that I love her and I get nothing nothing at all and then she says to me that's all she wants to do is be friends for right now I mean how how can you just be friends when you have so much a motion and so much attachment to somebody or you can just be friends
Maybe she's just leading you on and giving you false hope. And all she wants to do is party and be free and have fun. You have to stop enabling her though. If you keep providing things for her that she asks for, then you're just as guilty as she is. She's taking full advantage of your kindness and guilt and this must really stop, but it's up to you to not enable her any longer. As long as she knows she can use you and you will sit idly by and put up with it, she will keep doing this to you. It has to be up to you whenever you decide that you can't keep living like this, and when does enough become just that enough? Only you can make that decision, and it will be a tough one to make. No one wants to go through a divorce, face it, they suck. It's painful and devastating to everyone involved, especially on children. But sometimes we have to do things in life that we don't want to do, including divorce. She's stringing you along and the longer you go along with it, the more painful it will be for you to move on from her. It might be time to start slowly moving on w/o her in your life. It's unfair to you and even to her to keep hanging on. Sometimes taking the first step and then actually going through with a separation and divorce is the hardest thing to do. Once you do that it will still be a challenge to get through, but you can and will eventually be able to move on. I'm sure you'll always love her deep down and she is the mother of your children too. You don't just get over someone, sometimes you still have feelings deep down inside, and that's okay. What's not okay is to keep holding on to something that's going no where fast. All that does is make it worse and bring you further down in the dumps. Lying is never okay in a relationship either.