Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/I'm a mess.

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Question
Hi Samantha
My name is Wendy, I am 38 years old. My husband Peter and I have two teenage sons and have been married for 20 years now.
I am really upset.

Lately, things have been going really bad for my husband and I. he is always stressed from work ( he teaches adult education) he is often mean and snappy and almost robotic. He's here, but he is not if that makes sense.
We fight constantly.  We had what was an emotional break down where we finally spoke and it seemed like things were on the positive side again. Until last night.
I found out he maxed out our line of credit. 20 thousand dollars in debt plus his 5k credit card all maxed out.
He told me nothing. He was the only one with access to the credit line and each time I asked him how it was or inquired about what we owed he told me there was "tons" left and all was ok . I knew we had dipped into it and figured we owed about 10k on it but now finding out it is maxed out I am furious.
Immeadiately, he went into defense mode and tried to tell me I knew when it was at 17k ( which I truthfully did not know) He really tried to brush it under the rug and told me I had no rights to be mad about it and he has a "master plan" to pay it back.  
To be honest with all our recent fights this was the icing on the cake. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated on because I trusted him with one thing and he let me down.  I could not even speak to him and this morning I felt like my wedding rings were a burden and I took them off.  I know that sounds silly but I just feel so overwhelmed right now I don't know what to do. I feel so mad and hurt and left out. I did the math in my head and I cannot account for more then 10k of the debt.  He has no answers for me when I ask him about it either.  He actually blames me. I feel so upset.

Answer
Hi Wendy~

You have every right to be angry at him for what he did.  He lied to you and betrayed your trust and respect in him.  All of the emotions and what you're feeling and thinking I'd say are totally warranted and normal given what you've been put through lately.  He has no right to place blame on you, you did not make him put all that money on the credit cards nor make him incur all that debt.  He's put you in huge bind, and he could end up ruining your credit for quite some time.  You now have to figure out what to do about all this and what your options are.  You will have to make some tough decisions in the near future and to sort out what to do about all this debt that HE amassed.  What he did was totally unacceptable and he can't burden you with all that HE did.  He's angry, upset and hurt and so of course he's become defensive and is shutting down b/c he's not coping with what he did that well.  I suppose that's to be expected.  

Try to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know how this affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  If he still refuses to talk, you might have to take drastic measures to protect yourself from what he's done.  After all you don't want creditors coming after you if your name is on as a co-card user (if your names are on the credit cards, they can come after you as well as he).  My ex-husband when I divorced him nearly ruined my credit b/c of credit card debt and a car being repo'd. It took me it seemed like forever to get my credit back into shape.  It might be a long road, but you can and will get through all this, even though it might seem like the end of the world right now, it really is not.  You have to have faith that you will endure for now and make it out of this a better person, with or w/o him in your life.  

At the very least he owes you a semi-explanation as to what he did and why, even if it's not an in depth one.  As his wife you do have a right to you.  How would he feel if you did this to him and you treated him like he has treated you, and you were left hanging in the balance not knowing why this happened.  He did it for some reason, even if the reason isn't that obvious, everything happens for a reason.  So getting to the bottom of this and then figuring out how to clean this mess up together.  Your other options to think about would be the possibility of moving on with your life w/o him in it, and worst case scenario you file for bankruptcy, and if you had to it's not a death sentence for your credit either.  There are resources out there to help you get back on your feet and recover/rebuild your credit on your own if you must.  Don't give up and become buried in deep despair.  Get help from your family and friends, by having a good support system in place, it can really make all the difference on how quickly you get through all this heartache and mess that's been created here.  The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Samantha

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I can answer most any questions regarding a husband/wife relationship. Whatever the question may be. I would like to help you find an answer to it. If you want an honest and unbiased opinion on things then ask away. I am a divorced mother of 4 children, I have been a single mother, and I'm currently remarried and have a 4th daughter with my husband. I know what it is like to have a spouse cheat on you, to be taken advantage of, to feel like everything is hopeless (being depressed), emotions (the up`s and down`s). I will try to answer anything you have on your mind about husband-wife relationships, divorce, adultery, etc. Please don`t hesitate to ask.

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I've been answering questions and helping my clients for the last 10 years. I have many satisfied and return clients. I have helped people from all over the world and from many different walks of life, cultures, etc.

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