Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Step Mother blames Adult Children for Marrital Problems
Let me first apologize for the lengthy post you are about to read. However, in order to get your opinion I feel you need a little background.
Last July my father-in-law (FIL) married a woman he had been dating for 3 weeks. While that may sound romantic to some the problem is that she is the mother-in-law to his nephew. So we all felt like this decision needed more serious consideration.
Then her 3 children all approached my FIL with some warnings. They stated that their mother has some mental issues and pretends to be a really nice Christian woman who is always the victim in any situation but it was all an act. When their father divorced her, she initially had custody of the children (2 girls ages 16 and 12, one boy age 14) . However, it was soon taken away because she was leaving the young girls at one boyfriend's home while living with another boyfriend. Their father then gained custody and the court ordered child support. The mother was so angry that she poisoned the family dogs, killing them. I should say for the record that she only admitted this to the dad but it was never proven nor any charges filed. The mother never paid child support willingly and when the courts would catch up to her job for garnishment, she would simply quit and find a new job.
She became so far behind on child support that the state revoked her license. Then this woman began preying on men to take care of her. For the last 4 years she has not had any employment and lived with countless men. I'm not saying that a woman shouldn't be able to have her man take care of her, just that this sets the tone for how she approaches responsibility.
Fast forward to July 2013, after hearing all of this and knowing that my FIL makes almost $200,000/yr it was assumed that her intentions were probably not completely innocent. His children (ages 33, 25, and 19) were against a quick marriage. They suggested living together for 6 months first to see if things would work out and asked him to consider having her sign a pre-nuptial agreement. The pre-nup was really more of a protection for his second home that was a lease-to-own that his oldest son and family lived in (this is my husband, me and 3 children). We lived in the home for 5 years, assumed the payments, and pay for all repairs/improvements including a $3000 furnace. My FIL refused to ask "his soul mate" to sign anything stating that she didn't want our house.
Only 2 months after they married, in an attempt to start an argument, the new wife posted a private matter on FB regarding a cyber crime that was committed against my 13 year old daughter. I immediately called her and said she shouldn't involve a minor in her vendetta against me and she needed to remove the comment. Of course, she wouldn't do so and my FIL said that she was justified in doing this because we don't like her. The next day she began sending messages to my husband stating that she was going to sue us for grandparent rights and calling us freeloaders for accepting money from my FIL for Christmas and Birthday gifts. My husband told her those are gifts that he receives and it doesn't make him a freeloader. She immediately texted "Be careful, I will slit your throat!" My FIL again took her side.
A week or so later, my FIL's 19 year old daughter came home from work with her belongings packed on the porch and the wife proceeded to tell her she needed to quit living off her daddy and find somewhere else to live. My FIL agreed with his wife and sent his daughter that night to live with her boyfriend. The next week, the new wife moved her 18 yr old daughter into my SIL's room. My FIL then paid for a new wardrobe for her and had her wisdom teeth pulled. For several months, my FIL and SIL had to sneak meeting each other at lunch in order to continue their relationship. Once the wife found out she put an end to it.
The week of Valentine's Day, she found some lingerie he had bought for her and accused him of buying for his daughter and having an affair with her. (Side note: she is his biological sons' half-sister that he adopted at age 7 because their mom died)Then the night before Valentine's Day she called the police on him stating that he beat her; to which the paramedics said there were no physical marks or indications to support her claim. A week later she went to get a restraining order against him that allowed her to take possession of the home and vehicle because she was afraid for her life. While he was at work that day, she withdrew $900 from his banking account and spent $400 on his credit cards. She ended up dropping the restraining order at the hearing.
Child Support Enforcement began sending letters that she owed over $7,000 in back child support and was subject to arrest. She convinced my FIL to allow them to take the money from his tax return so that she could get her license back (he was supposed to get $15,000 and agreed to it to help save his marriage). She began getting mad that he wouldn't put her name on his bank account and refused to sign any tax return. Without her signature he can only file Married-Separate which makes his return $3,000.
Soon after she allowed my FIL to return home, she told him that she has cancer and is dying. There was a procedure scheduled for a few weeks later but she ended up leaving him the day before and disappearing for 2 weeks. The entire time she was gone, she posted daily rants on FB that he was beating her and she was scared to go home because he would probably kill her. Once again, he took her back and said they were going to work on things.
He soon got a Profit Sharing check from work that netted over $8,000. She insisted that he put $5,000 of it down on a new car for her so she could get to her doctor appointments safely. Once she got the new car,she filed for another restraining order claiming that he hits her. This was 2 days before another supposed cancer treatment. Before leaving the house this time, she cut and scratched the daughter's face out of family photos and broke all the glass in the home. Once again, she began posting accusations on FB about the abuse.
Throughout this entire time, this woman blames his adult children for ruining their marriage. My FIL calls us crying and begging for our help each time she leaves him but then as soon as she comes back, he says it's none of our business and to let them be happy.
So my question is: How can this all be blamed on the adult children? Also, they keep saying that the bible says your spouse comes before your children. We aren't saying he should choose us over her. We are simply saying that he shouldn't allow her to drag us through the mud and defend her actions; that if she truly loved him then why does she keep making false accusations and leaving every time she has gotten what she wanted form him.
The children are NOT to blame, HE is the one to blame solely, for the simple reason is that he continues to allow it. If it were me in this situation, I would probably have to cut off or severely limit all contact with the FIL. This is way beyond ridiculous, it's pathetic that he's tolerating her total and complete nonsense and behavior. He needs to stop condoning it and putting up with her BS. Maybe one day he will finally learn his lesson or perhaps not that's up to him and remains to be seen. She will take him to the cleaners and he will end up regretting what he allowed. And in MO (which I happen to live in) his property that he had prior to marrying her she's NOT entitled to period. She's only entitled up to 50% of what they have incurred together during their marriage, should he eventually divorce her and grow tired of her antics. She's not entitled to either home or his cars that he had before marriage. Only community property which would include the new car he bought her (most likely she'd get it in a divorce settlement). He dug his own grave when he married her and rushed into a relationship with her. Now he'll have to deal with what he'd done. He was warned and he chose not to listen to them and heed their advice on the way she was.
As for you and your family, I wouldn't help him one ounce. He has to learn that when he burns his bridges that he will have no one in his corner to help him any longer. You can only hurt family so much before they get wise to the game and they decide they can no longer put up with the antics any more. You and your husband need to sit down and talk at great lengths to figure out what you're going to do from here on out. Something has to give or it's only going to get that much worse as time goes on. Especially if he keeps taking her back each and every time. She's using him and he's allowing it. You and your husband have to refuse to be put in the middle of this crap. It's not fair to you nor to your children to be dragged into their personal problems.
It is true in the Bible that your spouse should come before the children, but not in the context in which they're claiming it to be. A spouse is important to come first for the simple fact that as a team you're supposed to work together. I mean if you can't take care of your marriage as parents, then how do you expect to take care of your children and be a good example to the children. I'm referring to younger children for the most part. Adult children come second as well b/c they are old enough to be out of their own and to take care of themselves and their family (meaning 18 yrs and older).
She's obviously mentally ill in some aspects. He's the one that chose her and now he needs to be held accountable for choosing to be married and to be with her. That's not your problem nor is it your business to become entangled in their personal and marital issues. They both need to realize this sooner or later. You have some tough decisions to make in the near future. I hope this helps you some.