Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/On the verges of Divorce

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Hi Tom

Im from India, married since past 14 yrs n hv a 10 yr old daughter. Ours was a love marriage. We were friends and got attracted,had sex and it was good. Eventually we decided to get married. Post marriage everything started getting out of control. My mother-in-law is a super egoistic control freak and I was unable to get along with her. My husband has this habit of going out with his friends and business associates and come home very late at night. (Till date he comes home for dinner and in a while leaves to be with his friends and doesn't return before 12 daily).I thought post marriage his moving out till late night might reduce. We often used to have fights over mother-in-laws unnecessary interference and his going out on daily basis and not giving me any time. This used to affect our sex life too. Being newly married I would crave for privacy and sex would come to me once in a month or two. Days passed by & after 4 years I got a pretty baby girl.Today things have gone from bad to worst. Have been having major fights and divorce talks. But every time I think about my daughter and her future, I get scared and keep going on. Major reason for our fight today is our sex life. We hardly have sex once in 2-3 months and that too after I make a big tantrum over it. My husband is a very egoistic person. Every fight of ours over years has been taken on his ego and he says he has lost interest in sex. On the other hand I have sneaked into his laptop few years back n found him registered on some online friends dating and adult dating sites. I made a fake id and did chat with him to know if it was him. I was terribly upset to know him being wanting sex and relationship outside our marriage and keeping me high and dry and in such a desperate state. When I confronted him on it. He denied and said someone else would have used his laptop. All this during office hours and if not anything I definitely know his language and nature to identify his responses. I some how gulped this down. This was in 2011.Before my baby was born he had an affair with his office staff. To this date he says it was not an affair and he used to just be on calls (from good morning to good night). Now recently I found him sending a Hi!! and Want to know more.. msgs sent out from his Facebook chat to some random girls (looks like some call girls)I am completely devastated. He has always been selfish on bed with me. Never went down on me and expects that I should always give him oral. Our sex is step by step predictable process without any emotion and foreplay. As I get extremely desperate after not having sex for over 3 months, I take what I get. My self-esteem is at its lowest and I have done all kind of talking, crying, screaming and pacifying to make him understand that all I needed was love and affection and a complete family for our kid. He is good to our baby. But hardly has time for both of us. He says he is stressed out due to business pressure and tired physically to have sex or talk to us. But he still goes to his friends every night and does his boozing and stuff. I have been a working women but have discontinued since 2009 due to family issue. I am freaking out completely as I am dependent on him in all ways. Emotionally, mentally, physically and also financially. I am unable to tackle his big ego and don't know what am I paying the price for. Im feeling very lonely and don't know how I am continuing this sexless and loveless marriage. Every time he promises to improve and work on our relationship when I become adamant and decide to leave the house. Then as usual he completely forgets what he said and is back to his routine. He know it very well that my daughter is my weakness so every time I decide to quit the marriage, he tells me to think about her future and not to be selfish for my own needs. He says he has realized his mistakes and is trying to take time out for us. He keep promising that he is doing his best to improve our sex life also. But then he forgets about it. As I have become very desperate now, I keep loosing out my temper on anything and everything and our fights end up on accusations of him not physically satisfying me. This in turn hits his ego and he finds a reason to be away from me. I don't understand his problem. I don't know how to deal with his ego. I don't know if I should be continuing like this or move out. Im nearing to be 40 and am terribly upset that my youth and best phase of life is gone without love and sex. Please guide.

Answer
Hi Tam,

If you are in the US, I have a quick answer. Get a divorce attorney. Life is too short to be as unhappy as you are.  He is not being honest with you.  You have tried to work it out but he doesn't seem to want to.  I think my advice is still to at least explore a divorce,  get an attorney and find out what your options are.  Do you have family that can help you?  Are you able to work and support yourself?   If you can live reasonably comfortably by yourself you are better off doing that.  If not then start looking for a means to.

Good luck  

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Tom Blair

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Questions related to strengthening and saving relationships and marriages. Sexual relationship questions. Published author.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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