Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Wife saying we should divorce
But not 100% against fixing things, or at least allowing me to get better. We've been married almost 9 years with two kids, a 7 and 3 year old. I've been a bad husband in her words and looking back she is 100% correct, for 7 of those years. I've been listening to your podcasts, thank you for these. They have been amazing. It's been over a week since she told me on the couch "What are we doing?" "No communication, no love and that that we should get divorced." I've been emotional absent for a long time where arguments spiral our relationship down this dark whole where I've shut down which caused her to become more angry and frustrated to the point of giving up.
I love my wife and kids and am going to save this marriage. No wants and wishes. I'm trying to do the steps you take to win my wife back with kind acts, loving words and trying to figure out ways to sustain them over the long run without falling back into the comfortable patterns and routines and the fears that control me which have frustrated her over the course of our marriage until now she is completely closed off without feeling towards me and pretty much has given up all emotions.
I guess my question is that I'm setting daily goals and writing the positive things I want to do and make happen every day and night to help reinforce the change and not fall back into my fears. Because those fears are the reason I am in this situation. The fear of disappointing her, saying the wrong thing, being rejected. Probably most of the same things you've heard time and again.
So is writing down these goals helpful in your opinion? I am also going to see a professional counselor for the first time at the end of April. I agree with you that they won't be able to fix my marriage but I'm hoping at the least she can help me as a life and work coach and give me something else to talk to. Help me work on my issues which will help me communicate better as a husband, father, friend...
Could you see that being a positive even if marriage counselors aren't really effective?
Glad you've been finding the podcasts helpful and good on you for being committed to saving your marriage. Yes it is useful to write down goals as they will help you get clarity and stay on track. It's important to have the right goals of course, and to know which ones are going to be really effective in rebuilding your relationship with your wife. Also, there are effective ways to overcome your fears which involve looking at them and exploring why they are holding you back. I cover all of this in my marriage programs.
Congratulations on your commitment and it certainly sounds things are not 'too far gone' to save your marriage.
Hope this help and all the best,