Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Wife lost sexual desire
QUESTION: We have been married for 10 years. Before marriage my wife had affair with her classmate for 2 years, she was dying to marry him but that could nt happen. then she fell in love with me and we married. after our marriage She told me abt her affair so in begining i was very upset but later that eased out.We had very good sex life and enjoyed even after our child's birth. 1 year back, her ex sent her friend's request on FB and she immediately shown me that request and she blocked him.Then he sent me msg on FB that he wants to meet me to return something. I said i dont want to meet him and one day he left a packet in my office that has letter written by my wife to him. I had no courage to open that and i got very upset. My wife asked me that what happened, as me n my wife share everything i told her abt the incident. She pleaded me not to open the letters and i said OK. After that she went into depression and started avoiding people. She stopped using FB/whatsapp etc completely. I took her to psycho and he gave medicines. She started sleeping with me by placing her head on my chest, holding my hands n in 2-3 months she recovered completely n doctor stopped her medicines. But after that incident we had n't sex even once. IF i try to kiss her passionately she will start but will turn her head away and once I tried intercourse, the moment i inserted she stopped me and said that she is n't comfortable. Now she says that she adores me and respect me a lot and want to sleep in my arms but she doesn't feel desire for sex towards me and she feels like I am not her husband but her brother and she doesn't have feelings like a married woman has towards her husband. I asked her why u r behaving like this and she says that she also dont know.
What to do know ? pls help
ANSWER: Hi Rajinder~
It could be a combination of a few things; such as being off her meds, her depression returning, not being intimate with you in so long that she feels awkward being intimate with you now, and the list goes on and on of what it might be. If you have marriage counseling available to you check into it and go if you can. Get her into individual therapy too. Most likely she hasn't lost the feelings for you, she just doesn't know how to show them to you due to all that you've recently been through in the last few months. Don't give up on rekindling your connection both in an intimate way (sexual and the like) and romantically. You might have to start all over again and woo her and try to romance her like you did in the beginning. Depression doesn't just go away, it can return at any time. That's why it's important to monitor her behavior and her moods, keep a journal of them if it will help you.
Also try to bring yourself to read the package that he dropped off to you. She may not be telling you everything otherwise he wouldn't have felt compelled to do it in the first place. Maybe he has a guilty conscience and wants to clear the air between you and he. I'm only speculating of course based on what you've told me. There is a reason she's behaving in this manner. The question is why and how do you get the bottom of it all? Has she secretly been in contact with him, talking to him in some shape, form or way and you have no idea. Is she thinking of him and wants to be with him, or she wondering what her life would've been like with him. Is she really depressed and it's causing her to feel this way towards you. It really is hard to say what's going on in her head.
Try to get her to talk to you and see where to go from there on out. Have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know how this is affecting. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Something has to give here or it's only going to get that much worse as time goes on. I hope this helps you some.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: we had open discussion. She cried n wept a lot that she is guilty conscious what ever has happened in past and the letters written to her ex are exposing her in some way or other and creating her bad image of her in front of me. Her ex is knowingly exposing her.
When ever she try to get physical with me it reminds her what ever her relation was with her ex so she avoid getting physical.
Now it has put me in very difficult situation and i am feeling like i have lost everything and it seems we wont be able to come out of all these in our life.
See if she will be willing to go back to her therapist and to even discuss putting her back on her meds, even if it's for a while to help her cope and deal with the guilt. I would even suggest to her that you will go with her to marriage counseling. Don't give up, this is just a hurdle that you must try to work through, and hopefully with time you will be able to get through all of this. There will be lots of things in life and experiences that will test your relationship, but if you can communicate with each other, then there's almost nothing that you can't get through in life. Even if you don't know what she's going through, try to be as supportive to her as you can. Let her know that you love her and you'll will be there for her to the best of your ability no matter what. Keep the faith, pray or whatever it is you do, find strength in your love for each other. It sounds like she's a very good person deep down. You can't let someone's past define them. The past is the past for a reason and it should remain there, unless and until it's relevant to whatever your going through at the time. Then if you need to bring it up in discussion and talk about it, and work through it then do it. You can't change the past, you can only focus on the here and now and get through life one day at a time.