Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/frustrated wife
Hi, I hope you are well, im not sure if you would remember you gave me some helpful advice awhile back regarding a lack of intimacy, my wife and I are 22 and have been married for two years. We used to be best friends and argued very rarely, then we ( intentionally) had a baby and I love him and consider him a tremendous blessing from God but things changed between my wife and I. She often very flatly declares that she is frustrated. She is also romantucally frustrated.We argue often and there is more bitterness between us. We don't spend much time together and we have sex twice a month at best and we just don't flirt anymore. I try to improve our situation by helping more with the baby, drinking less, stopped watching pornography, and trying to communicate more. I am not perfect, I am very insecure in bed, I can be cynical, I drink alot in the evening and I have trouble being passionate. But I am extremely faithful and I love my dearly and I am really scared for us because it hasn't gotten better and I don't know what to do. I knew we love each other I just am at a bit of a loss here. Any help is much appreciated. Im sorry the question is so long. All the best
understanding why men have insecurity in relationships is half the battle to solving it.
When you know yourself, and understand some of the psychology and biology behind a problem it helps in overcoming it.The manner in which you proceed through life sits in between the poles of fear and intent. Do you move positively towards the things you want or do you run from the things you dislike?
We all do both but you will tend more often to one side than the other. It may be to a large degree or a small degree.
Insecurity in relationships comes when you are living from fear rather than intent. Instead of the positive decision to have a happy stable relationship you are seeking to avoid an outcome you do not like. It may be the fear that you are not good enough for her or any other fear. The key is that fear dominates.
Happy successful relationships come about when people are operating with intent. They create the circumstances they want in life rather than avoiding those they do not like.It is hard to let go of fear when you have nothing to replace it with. But positive intent is an excellent replacement. There is a good biblical saying that to light a room you do not need to shovel out the darkness, you just turn on the light. By adopting an intent based mindset you will automatically lose your fear.The key fears that operate with insecurity in relationships are the fear that a woman will cheat or leave you and the fear that you are not good enough for her. Both of these come from a lack of self confidence.
If you think a woman is not good enough for you then you have two options. Wallow in despair and be miserable. Or tackle personal development and build up your self confidence. Insecurity in relationships can be overcome and is not something you are inherently stuck with.
Men like self confident women and women like self confident men. If she leaves you it is more likely to be because your fear based mindset will make you seem needy and lacking in confidence. You do not need to do anything to become confident, you just need an attitude of confidence.We are all human and we all have different experience levels. We will all learn and with open communication we will all get better. The point I am trying to impress is that being bad in bed is not a male fallacy. It is a human thing. Women can be useless too.
Some women are so sexually repressed in their minds that they cannot orgasm, no matter how good you are. They need to be able to let it happen and if they do not it is not a failing on your part.
So accept your sexual experience for what it is and do not be fearful. A women who is open sexually will not curse you for your inexperience, she will help you and teach you.The task here is to change what you sow in order to reap something different. This is how you overcome insecurity.
Those who believe they have no control over their lives succumb meekly to insecurity when faced with it. Those who understand that they shape their reality with their own thoughts take positive action to replace insecure thoughts with trustworthy thoughts.
If you are plagued by insecurity you have two choices:
1.You can do nothing and continue to be plagued by it, or
2.You can accept responsibility for your thoughts and take action to change them.
I strongly suggest you adopt the latter position. It then becomes a question of how do you overcome insecurity in your mind and replace it with a more positive mindset.
If your insecurity is mild then simply internalizing the fact that you are an active agent of change in your life is enough. When you understand your experience in life is subjective and can be shaped by you then that sparks a change in the way you think and the way you live.Your insecurity is driven by behavior patterns, something you learned as the result of a hurtful past relationship or even from childhood experiences. Over time, this behavior has become ingrained.
Your unconscious mind needs to be reassured and updated with calmer, more adult ways of interacting in relationships instead of falling back on old patterns
Gently re-educate your mind to feel like you're genuinely valued and wanted by your significant other.Love your partner despite their imperfections and concentrate on what works in your shared life.Be more thoughtful and empathetic and discover creative ways to show your partner how much you appreciate them.
Heavenly Father, I come before you today with a heavy heart; my marriage is in trouble, and I need your help. Make changes in my spouse's heart. Make us compatible again, and bring us closer together. Fill us with your love and give us the strength to love one another, care for one another, and fulfill your destiny for us.
Show us the harm caused by careless words, and the pain caused by emotional distance. Bring us together, like we once were. Show us how to love one another again.Heal the division between us. Make us one again.
In your name I pray, Amen.