Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Should I give up?
QUESTION: My husband of 8yrs, partner of 18 years and father of our 7yr daughter, 2 yr old boy and 11 mo boy asked me for a divorce 3 months ago and moved out 1 1/2 months ago. He claimed he is not happy with me and it's not I. Live with me anymore. He cites that my attitude for the past 2 yrs, my weight gain (which I am working on) have contributed to him not being happy. I have found since then he was having an emotional affair with our baby nanny (who has been fired), and several lies around this topic. He has not filed for divorce and lately has been jeoulus because he found a dating app on my phone, that I am taking a dance class and that I seem happier without him.
Recently as we prepare to divide the finances so he can get an apt, I asked what he would do if he was in the place and his answer was "I will have a hard time with the nanny texting" when I asked if I should just give up on our marriage and trying to win him back his answer was "follow your heart"
I have your "how to stop your divorce program" and I try to not react, act of the opposite and I am really trying to give it time; but I feel he is slipping away. He does not respond to my text and can't even look at me in the eyes.
He is the live of my life... What should I do?
ANSWER: Hi Carolina,
I'm glad you are using the program and it sounds to me like it is helping.
It definitely sounds like your husband is open to staying married to you, but he needs some more positive signs that you are changing - this will give him he that the marriage situation can change for the better. Use the exercises in the program to really identify how you can improve yourself in ways that your husband will appreciate. Yes it will take effort, but the payoff for yourself and the marriage is worth it. If you feel your efforts to date are not working, remember you could be closer to a breakthrough than you think. But you really need to keep thinking, "what can And should I do to show my husband I am his best option for the person to be with?"
There are some positive signs even if you're not seeing them, so do keep going.
All the best
[an error occurred while processing this directive]---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
Thanks for reply. Can you elaborate on how you see the signs?
I am feeling quite the opposite; I feel he is string me along and as I come more lies I find it harder for me to follow your program and not compromise my integrity and dignity. And also not think on protecting my children.
He has never said he wants to work on the marriage and lately he can't wait to leave from his visits with the children; does not want to accept any food from the house and ignores my texts and phone calls- which have been about the kids... I do admit I have fail at times and I have sent him "love texts"; but I guess I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I am a career woman- successful one; a great mom; pretty and smart; a bit overweigh but working on it now that I am done with making babies... But when come to my husband I am not as strong. I am finding very hard not to react!! Especially because I find more lies every week; hence my feeling he is further away from me than before even though he has not filed and acted all jeoulous; but now i found out he can access my fb and email and I am wondering why...
Anyways, giving up has crossed my mind as this is too painful ; but I am still here fighting for the fight of my list.
Follow up question is when is it enough? Is hard and nearly impossible to work on me and my actions when I am in so much pain. And I am smart, confident person.
What signs did you see?
Thanks again; listening to your chapters gets me through most days
The question to ask is not when is enough, but when will you decide to do the only thing that works, which is to stop chasing and put the focus instead on your own happiness.
Unfortunately this is not really the right forum for coaching. However if you would like further support you could upgrade to the 30 day program which will answer a lot of your questions and where I can give you ongoing support by phone (a coaching call is included) and email.
All the best