Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Sex Problem
QUESTION: Hi Richard,
My Wife's work schedule and mine are affecting our sex lives and I need some advice on how to make it better.
Her work schedule is from 10am to 9pm and my work schedule is from 6am to 3pm.
I want sex in the morning because it makes my day go by so much better. When she rejects my attempts in the morning, I get angry and as time has gone by, im starting to feel disconnected with her emotionally. She doesn't want to be bothered in the morning when I leave to work, so I don't bug her anymore, but I want her so bad in the morning and it depresses me.
She wants to have sex at night, but by 10pm I can't stay up. My body shuts down and I knock out and go to sleep. So she doesn't get sex when she wants and I don't get it when I want.
She is the type that can go once or twice a week with sex and be happy. I'm the type that wish I had it every day.
I don't know what to do.
She doesn't like to get up in the morning to wash herself after we have sex, which is her biggest complaint about morning sex. So, should I suggest a condom? that way she won't have to get up to wash?
Also, what should I do about staying up to please her? She never initiates sex with me, I'm always the one asking and most of the time get rejected because she says she's too tired.
I don't know what to do, I'm so frustrated.
I appreciate any suggestions.
Thanks for reading and for your time.
ANSWER: the old saying that "something has to go" has a direct application to your problems. My first inclination is to tell you that you are not alone in this matter and literally millions of men are facing similar issues as you and I know this does nothing to alleviate your concerns or frustrations it does help you to understand that there are larger issues at play in our society, but back your individual issues...
I would first recommend a book by Dr. Laura Schleshinger (spelling) called "the proper care and feeding of husbands" it will put into perspective these very issues and outline both your role and that of your wife. This book was written for women and precisely for your specific issue.
The problems with relationships today is the understanding or lack of, of the need by men for sexual certainty in other words when and how often. We, most men are creatures of habit and we like to know when, how often and in most cases like to be assured that we are being loved with sex by one who loves us and wants us for sex.
Your schedules are another huge problem and like I said in the beginning "something has to give" and I suspect it will be your if some agreement cannot be reached and reached soon. The book again was written for women but men derive a lot of understanding by reading.
Your wife may not want to read it or agree with it but you will find yourself being described to a "T" and will wonder what you have done to deserve what your not getting. Please be patient with your wife and her learning or realization curve, this will most likely be a very new concept to her.
The bottom line of the book is that women get more of what they want when they give to their husbands what they want...sexual intimacy...
After you get the book you may want to read it first, then present it to your wife with a plea to please read and try to understand your position and need to be close to her, spend time with her and love her.
Be prepared for an abject rejection and be prepared for anger on her part but again be patient and loving and helpful. give her time and hopefully she will begin to see the benefits to her as she provides for you.
My sincere hope that all works out, it did for me, just like you.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for the fast reply.
I actually bought that book and presented it to my wife and she got mad and didn't want to read any of it. I read some of it and told her just what you said, that she will get more of what she wants if she gives me more of what I want. But she refused to be open and understanding.
At that point I stopped reading it.
That is very disappointing and I completely understand he pressure your under. Unfortunately your going to have to make some decisions about your life.
How much are you willing to put up with and how much do you love her? Both those questions have to be answered in concert to each other. If your love for her supersedes your sexual frustration then you have your answer. however suspect some feelings that are more than simple frustration and if they continue in the vain they are currently progressing you will be looking for a change at some point in the future.
Marriage counseling or personal counseling for yourself might be an option to help you deal with those unanswered feelings. If she agrees to go great but it sounds like that wont be an option. You could try to force the issue but the consequences may not be positive.
You can offer an ultimatum but you wold have to be committed enough to stick with whatever ultimate edict you presented or have to revert back to the first option of just accepting life as it is. If you go the ultimatum way, I suggest this is your last and final option.
The most common course for men in your position is to simply deal with it and hope things change. continue to be supportive and helpful, romantic and understanding and give it all you have for a specific period of time...record your efforts in a journal so when it's near the end and the ultimatum is given you have a record of what you actually did to save the marriage...
I feel for you and hope for all the best.
You know you may want to just keep reading the book it will help you at least. Let her know that your reading it and let it stay around where she sees it...who knows?