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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Second Marriage / Adult step children

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Hi

I have been married now the second time for 3 years together for 8 years. I have two adult children One that still resides here but not really home much just finishing school has always worked had to pay car insurance and her car payment has her own spending money. My other has been responsible too, worked went to school and saved to purchase his own place, My husband has 3 two of which are twins same age as my oldest. both graduated college one moved working but when wants to come visit husband without saying anything to me paid the gas and hotel last summer for her to drive back to spend summer as she is a teacher and has summer off.  that was after having to pay for ticket to fly home for christmas.  the second one graduated college with a Masters got a job for 8.15 an hour and just had to live in his house for 6 months while we were trying to get it rented and we paid all the bills now she wants the truck that he has that the two used growing up but he is paying her car insurance and we have ours separate, I pay the bills at the house we live in and he pays his bills.  I do not know how to get my point across as I have always made my kids be responsible and pay their share of things.  They are very disrespectful with not only me but with my husband also.  will call and tell him what he should be doing not that he does everything but rather than conflict he lets them rant.  he will make excuses for their behavior at the age of 27 they are tired ...cranky.  when we are all together he will tell me to not start anything. They will always make little digs. Before we were married they said they got rid of the other girlfriend and will do the same to me. Never thought i would have this battle with grown children. His other child is fine and Loves seeing his dad happy.  my children get along very well with him.  I feel sometimes I can not take a vacation but we can afford to let the kids do things.  right down to a call to say can't afford new glasses so wants him to pay. Now summer is right around the corner and will I find out later that we had to pay for another trip.  He loves me dearly but does not understand how this makes me feel. maybe because we leave all our stuff separate.  I understand helping some but when I have to go without it makes me upset. One said she is contributing to her retirement ! More than I am to my account. I said they won't respect me if they do not even respect him. when I say grown they range from 25- 31. I try to say not fare if we do for one and not the others. guess that should go for me too ! I pay my car and don't even get multi car discount as we have to different policies. Any suggestions ?

Answer
Hi Lori~

That's absolutely ridiculous that he allows them to treat him like this and get away with it. I highly doubt that this bad behavior (which is re-enforced by dad giving into them all the time) is going to stop or go away anytime soon.  He's unfortunately enabled them to act this way and keeps helping them out and paying most/all of their bills, it will only get worse from here on out. My mother has done this with my younger sister almost all her life, she's taken care of her helped her with her bills, bought her a car, paid for the insurance, etc.  My sister has had jobs but the last 4 yrs she has not had one.  My mother for the last 4 yrs paid for all of my sisters bills, lights, gas, water, house payment, even her satellite bills too.  My mother enabled her and did until the day that she died.  My sister will be 40 in April!!! She has yet to learn to stand on her own two feet and pay for everything (meaning all her bills on her own), she currently has NO job, claims to be looking for one, etc.  I find that hard to believe, my mother even paid for two different college course in order to help her find better employment.  Blah...blah...blah!  

My mother recently died close to two months ago.  She left my sister a life insurance policy worth $10,000 and $2,000 from my dad's last retirement check.  Has she still gone out and got a job? NO! She's using up the money and living off of it, paying her bills from it.  At this rate it will not last much longer.  Did I get insurance money or anything, no I didn't.  Why you might ask? It's b/c I'm an adult and responsible for my own bills and things I want in life.  I never once lived fully off of my mother while she was alive. I forewarned her that the money was stopping when she died.  It has, I told her I wasn't paying any of her bills period.  I'm sticking to that.  I'm angry at my mother for enabling my sister and I'm angry at my sister for taking full advantage of my mother when she was dying of cancer.  I don't know that my sister will ever fully grow up and be a functioning and productive citizen in society.  And that sucks b/c my sister has such good potential but she doesn't use it.  She makes up excuses to stay at home and be lazy.  I suppose now  it's really none of my business anymore, since I'm not going to be providing for her out of my mother's money (that she left to be, I was on her savings and checking account before she died, b/c I had to pay all of my mother's finances and obligations while she was very sick the last few months of her life).  I just can't fully understand and maybe I never will how a person can't support him/herself and do for themselves.  I do, but I can't/won't live off someone else supporting me fully.  

Anyway, enough of my story.  You have to figure out what you want to do.  He's not going to change, he's going to be the same dad he was when you met him. He's going to continue to allow his children to run him over and dictate to him what he needs to do for them, for as long as he lives.  He has to be the one that says no no more.  Grow up and support yourself.  But chances are he will not ever do that.  It's very unfair to you that he's allowing this unbecoming behavior from his children.  He's doing them no favors at all.  What's going to happen when he dies and they rely heavily on him.  What are they going to do and who's going to support them then?  He should think of that and realize what he's doing.  One of my daughters is the same way.  She relies on her father and her BF for all that she wants (even though she works).  She's used to getting everything she wants from her dad and BF.  She's in for a very rude awakening when she gets out on her own and realizes how expensive it can be to support yourself, let alone an entire family.  She's self-absorbed and very selfish and my ex-husband allowed it b/c he raised her like that.  I did not, she knew better than to demand things from me.  Anyway, one day she'll finally learn I'm sure.

Sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know how this is affecting you and what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  Something has to give or your marriage is going to continue to suffer, until you decide to do something about all this.  It's gotten seriously out of hand and it's coming at the expense of ruining your relationship with your husband b/c eventually you'll become resentful of him and how he continues to baby and take care of the ones that are too dependent on him.  I hope this helps you some.  

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