Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/LOSING RESPECT
I've been married for 2.5 years now, and I feel like my wife is losing respect for me. She told me in her past relationship that she lost respect for her ex because he wasn't working and she was paying for everything, then he cheated and they split up.
Well, she makes more money than me and we don't have a joint account. we pretty much just divide the bills and split rent. She gets mad that she pays for more things than I do, and I see her attitude changing towards me. I feel stuck in a catch 22, because even though I can't afford to pay for more things, I also feel I can't ask her for help because it will only add to her views on respecting me.
I'm soft-spoken and very patient guy. I avoid confrontations and have never gotten in a fight. I'm very nice and friendly to people. This is also a problem for her. She tells me that she doesn't feel protected by me and that she doesn't like that I act like nothing bothers me. She told me she wishes I was more confrontational and aggressive. But that's not me. She said she wants me to put her in check when she gets out of line, like her ex used to do. I don't understand that? I'm confused. If it's not in me to be confrontational and aggressive, how do I check her? I want her to respect me as a man, but she treats me as if I was her son.
Any opinions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your time.
relationships starts with communication,man up is what she wants from u. conflict avoidance almost cost u ur marriage.How to Hold a Real, Necessary Conflict or Confrontation
Start by preparing yourself to confront the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one (or two), non-emotional, factual based sentences.
For example, assume you want to confront your coworker for taking all of the credit for the work that the two of you did together on a project. Instead of saying, "You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah..." and venting your frustration, which is what you might say in your mind, rephrase your approach using the above guidelines.ay instead, "It looks as if I played no role in the Johnson account. My name does not appear anywhere on the document, nor I have been given credit anywhere that I can see."
(I've used additional communication techniques such as I language as well in this statement. Notice that I avoided using the words I feel because that is an emotional statement, without proof and facts. The facts in this statement cannot be disputed, but an I feel statement is easy for your coworker to refute.)Make your initial statement and stop talking.
When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It's a human tendency, but don't make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement.
Defending why you feel the way you do will generally just create an argument. Say what you want to say (the confrontation), then just allow the other person to respond.
Especially since you've probably held the conversation in your head a few times, you may think you know how the other person is going to respond. But, it's a mistake to jump to that point before they have the opportunity to respond. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Let them respond.Avoid arguing during the confrontation.
Confrontation does not mean fight. It means: state what you have say. Listen to what they have to say. Many times it actually ends right there.
Do you need to prove the other person right or wrong? Does someone have to take blame? Get your frustration off your chest, and move on.Figure out the conflict resolution you want before the confrontation.
If you approached your coworker with the initial statement, "You took all the credit, blah, blah, blah..." her response is likely going to be quite defensive. Perhaps she'll say something like, "Yes, you have been given credit. I said both of our names to the boss just last week."
If you already know what you are looking for in the confrontation, this is where you move the conversation. Don't get into an argument about whether she did or didn't mention anything to the boss last week - that isn't really the issue and don't let it distract you from accomplishing the goal of the confrontation.Your response could be, "I would appreciate if in the future that we use both of our names on any documentation, and include each other in all of the correspondence about the project."
Focus on the real issue of the confrontation.
The other party will either agree or disagree. Keep to the issue at this point, and avoid all temptation to get into an argument. Negotiate, but don't fight.
The issue is you aren't receiving credit, and you want your name on the documentation. That's it. It isn't about blame, about who is right or wrong or anything other than your desired resolution.You will rarely look forward to confrontation; you may never become completely comfortable with, or even skilled in, confrontation. However, it is important that you say something when you are frustrated and angry. If you can't stand up for yourself, who will?fight for what's right/ I am calling this the “Man Up” Menu - meaning it's what woman really want in a man.If you are a male, one of the ways you can "man up" in your relationship is to be inquisitive with your woman about what she wants. This takes a lot of courage. Many times men have a tendency to give their women what they think they want instead of asking them outright. Show her this menu and let her check off what she thinks she's getting and not getting. Whatever she says, don't take it personally. After she goes through this, you can make some decisions about if and what you want to change. I recognize that these are gross generalizations and stereotypes. But, most stereotypes hold some truths. You may already be doing some of these things or have no intention of doing them. Not all of these work in every relationship. But taking into consideration the opinion of your woman can be very helpful for your relationship.THE MAN UP MENU
This does not mean that you need be a magazine cover. It means most women want men who are well groomed and who take care of their bodies. You do not need to be rich to keep your hair cut or your body in shape. Keep yourself clean, and your teeth brushed... You know, all of those things that they taught us in middle school hygiene class. For most couples, the initial attraction is physical. Keeping yourself looking good increases your confidence and many times is important to your woman. Ask her what she likes about your wardrobe or what she would change.
Listen and be interested.
And then listen again. Do not offer advice or try to fix her problems. Don't take responsibility for her emotional state. Open your ears and duct tape your mouth. Genuinely care about what's going on in her life, but don't take full responsibility for making it better. She is smart enough to do that. Turn off the television, the Internet, and your cell phone and be attentive. If you have lost interest there is really something wrong.Be motivated and confident.
Women tend to be attracted to men who are driven. They like men who have established goals and responsibilities with a sense of direction. While good looks are important, most psychological research indicates that in the long run personality characteristics mean more to women than simple physical attraction.
Make her feel like a woman.
This includes feeling and exhibiting love and sexual desire towards her. (If you do not feel this, see the Neighborhood Shrink Note on Intimacy Leaks). You need to tell her that you care about her, are attracted to her, and give her something to create an emotional bond with. The fact that you have a penis and are ready to use it may not be enough. She needs to feel special and unique in your eyes. Show her romance - whatever that means to her - frequently. Tell her you love her, that you find her sexy, and mean it.Keep passion in sex.
A quickie may be good every once in a while, but being attentive, loving, and passionate is important in her overall sex life. One of the major complaints I hear from women in long-term relationships is the loss of passion. Let her help you define what that is and keep it alive!Be thankful.
Be thankful. Express your gratitude for what she does instead of complaining about what she doesn't do. She is in your life for a reason. Express your appreciation for that. Critics find fault. Men must be complimentary. If she tells you that you don't have to thank her, smile and do it anyway.
Be a gentleman.
Remember when you used to open doors for her and complement the way she looked? Have you lost it? Get it back! Pull her chair out for her, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and show her the same respect you might show a respected elder. To put it another way, treat her the same way that you might teach your son to treat your mother. If you have never done this, try it. If you have questions, do a search for good manners on the Internet.Give her a sense of physical, emotional, and financial security.
She needs to know that you are emotionally available, are able to protect her if she feels physically threatened, and have the means to give the family financial security whether both of you work or not.
Give her acceptance and validation.
For some this sounds like psychobabble, but so many women have told me that being accepted for who they are instead of who they are supposed to be is incredibly powerful. Validating someone is letting them know that whatever they think, say, or do is OK in your eyes (as long as this is trueMake a damn decision!
No really - that is the way one wife put it in counseling a couple of weeks ago. Her primary complaint was that she "always" made the decisions. She would ask her husband if he wanted to go out to dinner and he would say yes. When she asked him where, he would tell her he didn't care or didn’t know. The same thing happened when it came to making decisions about activities on the weekend, if he liked what she was wearing, and even in more important issues related to finances. Take a stand. Give an opinion. Recognize how frustrating it is to have a partner "does not care". This is a partnership. Get and stay involved!
This goes along with making a decision. Take out a calendar and help with a short, medium, and a long-term plan. Talk about what you will be responsible for then do it. Take the lead and get the entire family involved if that is appropriate.
Talk about the future and possibly your dreams.
While this may make you feel vulnerable, it lets your woman know that you are at least thinking about where you are going together. It also may give her some insight into who you are by hearing about your dreams. This may sound “girlie” to you, but it is one of the ways that she can connect with you. Making yourself vulnerable to her also shows that you trust her.d Boy has an edge but is very self-centered. It is exciting to be with the Bad Boy, but he is irresponsible. The emotionally distant guy is like a secret lover. He does not get tangled up in the chaos of a relationship, but is there to play and for excitement. It is what draws many women into extramarital affairs. You may also need to understand that what she needs today may be different tomorrow. Dr. Drew Pinsky- host of the radio and television show Loveline-describes some women's presence as a Rubik's cube. It can be multidimensional and ever-changing. You need to accept this part instead of waiting for her to "calm down". What is she looking for today? Also keep in mind that everybody's needs changes over time. What you need from your mate at 20 years old is much different possibly from what you need now.eace be unto and upon u,praying for u,feel free to follow up or ask for more advice,God bless u and her,