Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Stressful situations
I have been married to my wife for the last 7 years, we have a son from our marriage. Our initial marriage years was very stressful as there were differences between my wife, my mother and my sister. Though all of them are good as individuals, there are certain traits of each of them that each other dont enjoy. My sister was one who was low on confidence and probably had certain problems accepting that my attention would go more to my wife after marriage, and to get attention she was throwing tantrums. Also, since she was not getting good alliances for her marriage she was feeling low, add to this my mother was trying to be herself trying to help out my sis and this gave signals like she is discriminating between my wife and sister (both almost same age). My sister then got married and had some troubles in her marriage in her second year and she was back in home for almost a year. This was the height of problems as my wife was extremely difficult and uncooperative during this period. During this period my sister and my parents went through traumatic moments, and I was torn between supporting my family and handling my wife. Somehow things are better in her marriage or seem to be and she has changed a lot from what she was before her marriage.
Now, my sister stays abroad and comes home for few weeks in a year. My wife for some reason rakes up things in her mind about the past and makes the whole period when my sister is here unpleasant. Now, my sister is here to visit us, and she feels bad if she were to be made feel like that for the few days she comes here. This also impact my parents as a large part of the year we depend on them and take help from them for almost everything (we live together). During this period I also feel like I'm not myself because i want this time when she is here to be a pleasant one if not a celebration and for every move i want to make, my wife blocks it criticizes and throws trantrums. I find it very stressful and find it very difficult to convince my wife to move on. Its almost 3 years now since the problems happened and there is nothing good we get going back to it. Somehow my wife does not want to change. Any constructive suggestion i make is thrown out. Can you suggest how to deal with this. Another thing you may want to know is that my wife has come up in a family which never had any expectations from anyone, also she is a chronic negative thinker, she has troubles letting go things and we had infact consulted a counsellor on this aspect. But, the thing is she is so adament that she does not want to change also understand that she is set to loose big time in future if she is so selfish.
I fully understand how traumatic this must have been for you when the women in your life are competing for your attention constantly. All three of them think that you are their property and thus cannot be shared. You've done enough and more to patch things up but now it's time to take tough decisions. More so as your kid's growing up and cannot be privy to this acrimony.
Just a suggestion, separate from your parents. That'll teach your wife a lesson that how difficult life gets when there are no elders around. This will give you ample opportunity to care for your parents and sister minus the negativity. If it's impossible then ensure that your wife goes to her parents place when your sister arrives. Make it clear to her that since she hates your sister, she should be in peace for those few weeks when she visits. I guess it must be bothering you what will people say or your parents think if you take drastic steps. But trust me all will understand and comply and happy days will be back. Expecting your wife to become caring and forget the past is a long term shot.