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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Wife left with no sign or tried to work it out

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Question
About a month ago, after almost 6yrs of marriage, my wife walked out on me. One night I felt something was bothering her and asked her, after a couple tries she said she was not happy and wanted a divorce.  I was in total shock. She said it was because I sometimes nip pick her and snap at her. Like normal relationships, we both do, maybe I did more as of late.  She said more since February (when 2nd year in a row I did not get what I was promised at work) and came home very upset and emotional.  She knew how down I was. I apologized at times for being down, she said it was fine.  So we talked and then next morning she woke up and said sorry and wanted to work this out and looked at our wedding album. Then 4 days went by where she kept going back and forth, saying she was so hurt and could not make up her mind. I pleaded with her to go get therapy and to think about our 14 total years together. Really first loves for one another.  Finally in the end, she did leave and went to her moms. That was it.  I was a total mess as I just stood here alone in the house.  Few days later I said come back and lets talk or go talk to someone. She said no. She said we have been growing apart for awhile and no longer is in love with me, but will always love me.  Growing apart does not make sense, when literally all these years we did everything together. I helped her all the time around the house, went for walks, took her out. I told her i loved her all the time and complimented her.  She said sometimes just people fall out of love.  I dont buy that.  I killed myself at work (commuting 4hrs a day) and remodoled our entire house and took care of so much more for her. I was always the one there for her and my family, never hers.  She ran back to her mom who has been divorced 4 times. I have asked what everyone thinks, there is someone else.  She insists no, and I don't feel like I know this woman now, but that is not something she would do. But she always said how sacred marriage was and I always said we had to talk when things were bothering us. She said she could not come to me because I would have blamed her or gotten mad. Which makes no sense. I never would want her unhappy and what did she have to lose coming to me? One other point is she was diagnosed years ago bipolar but stopped take the meds when we moved in together maybe 7yrs ago.  I have no idea what happened to my life. We were close to moving out of state and talking seriously about having a baby. Then boom, all over. Thanks

Answer
Hi Paul,
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened. I'm not quite sure what your question is, but I assume it is to do with how you handle your wife's departure and actions. Although it is a big topic to fully get a handle on (and really beyond being able to answer fully here), I can give you a couple of pointers:
Firstly, there is no point trying to put pressure on your wife by asking her to explain, talk about things, tell her how you feel, etc. It may be that this is sort of pressure is a factor in her leaving, and more pressure is only going to drive her away further.
Secondly, put your focus instead on yourself. Ask yourself what you might have done/be doing that may cause her to feel "out of love" with you. Try to look at things from her perspective. It might be difficult (and you may feel resentful in doing it) but understanding her is the key to making her feel different (and better) about you.
You might also like to listen to episode 7 of my podcast, "How to Save Your Marriage When Your Spouse Doesn't Want To" which is on my website.

Hang in there and start with these things.

All the best,

Liam

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Liam Naden

Expertise

I specialise in helping couples save their marriage and rebuild it after major hurts such as an affair. Creating intimacy, removing hurt, dealing with sexual and communication problems. I have two relationship-saver programs and a free podcast which are available from my website www.liamnaden.com and a free report, "The Five Keys to Saving Your Marriage Now" at www.growinginloveforlife.com.

Experience

Relationship coach with own relationship coaching business. Author of several books on marriage and intimacy. I offer two relationship saving programs: "Stop Your Divorce" and "Save Your Marriage" which have helped many couples save their marriage and rebuild their love and intimacy.

Publications
About.com Amazon Kindle: Author of the ""Growing in Love for Life" series of ebooks for saving and strengthening marriage.

Education/Credentials
Master of Arts (First Class Honors)

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