Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Its like he doesnt even like me anymore
QUESTION: My husband and I have been together 3 years, in the beginning he showed me so much attention and affection, I knew logically that some of that would decline but I feel as though after we got married it all came to a screeching holt. He has been working odd hours over the past two years either waking up at 4am or 2:30 am. He blames his uninterest in me on his being sleepy or having a headache. We have sex maybe 1x per week.. Maybe.. He isn't even nice to me when he speaks to me most of the time. He snaps when I ask simple questions and rolls his eyes when I attempt conversation. I have told him how I feel many times in a very soft and unnacusing tone but he just says he's stressed from work or we don't have enough money or he's tired. This is becoming too much to deal with on a daily basis. I got married to enjoy my spouse. To have friendly conversation about ANYTHING. The thing that breaks my heart the most is that he can always seem to rustle up enough energy for our two yr old daughter. He smiles and is playful with her. I try offering him coffee, a back rub, food, anything to make him warm up to me but nothing seems to work. Every now and then he will listen to me when he sees me crying and then he will change his behavior for a week and then go back to how he was. I don't know what to do. Please help.
ANSWER: This us a very difficult question to answer. I suspect there is more to the story. I can only provide some direction, and that is to go, insist on counseling.
In counseling you will be able to find those missing pieces and hopefully find the common ground to thrive as a couple.
Also if you have more information please let me know.
I was thinking that if your husband does not want counseling this may be an indication of other issues at play. It's a good thing that he is responsive to your child but that in-it-self also indicates some issues with you, issues he does not want to talk about. Based on what you said you have tried to provide him with his needs and I commend you for doing that. So many women would respond with hate and their own level of separation.
Let me ask you some very personal question's. Have you gained weight? do you take care of yourself? is there anything not mentioned that might place a wedge between you and your husband?
Regarding your husband: does he come straight home from work? does he engage in any hobbies or activities that take him away from home? Is he the sole income earner?
The above may help me leading you in a positive direction, if you feel comfortable enough in answering...
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QUESTION: Thank you Richard for the follow up.
No my husband is definitely not the type to want or seek counseling. He is very prideful. However, believe it or not I'm actually in better shape now than when we met. I've really gotten into fitness and eating right. He however, has let himself go. I have NEVER mentioned to him that I've noticed. Part of me thinks he it is depression. I do my make up, even when sitting in the house, I obsess over looking nice for him. I cater to him which sometimes makes me think that he thinks it's okay to treat me this way. He doesn't respond to yelling or attitude, He just shuts down and acts like he doesn't care. As far as I know he only goes to work. Occasionally he has to work longer but that is proven true by an increase in his paycheck. He used to go to the gym but he has no motivation anymore. I suggest us working out together, he says yes, and then when it comes time to do it he says he is too tired and goes to take a nap.
I'm at my wits end trying to be a perfect wife to a husband who really acts as though he couldn't care less if I was around or not. Every once in a blue moon we will have a nice moment, a halfway glimmer of the connection we once had and then the next day, gone. Why won't he talk to me?
Thank you for responding and I think you've made a good point in consideration of his emotional level. I agree that depression may be a problem he has to deal with. Having been depressed myself and still having to deal with depression I know the damage it can have on a relationship.
Please be patient a while longer. You may want to get counseling yourself, without him, in order to understand how you can better deal with your life situation. He will have to take some responsibility in the future for how he feels and you will also have to make certain decisions about your life and the life of your child, especially if the present situation is not resolved in given period of time.
If all he does is work, eat and sleep than I would imagine his life, in his perspective is miserable and he is probably very depressed.
it is not an easy cycle to break.
Let me make some suggestions:not all will be possible but they are only ideas to help.
1. Plan a vacation, talk to his work and arrange for him to be away.
2. Join a church or a group where you can make friends and he can possibly join in.
3. If he has friends, see if they can arrange for him to get away for a weekend.
4. Buy him something that he used to really enjoy doing...this is a hard one.
5. Take a walk with him every day, as a family.
6. If your close to his parents, call them and ask what to do. Is there a history of this behavior in the past.
7. be patient, please be patient and continue to act like the perfect wife, so far I think you've done a great job of holding this family together.
8. Don't forget to get counseling for yourself ASAP