Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Separation due to stress
QUESTION: My fiancée and I have been separated 2 weeks due to her being stressed out from my insecurities from past relationship. She hasn't realized what things she has done or said to pull them out. She just knows I did all the drama from it. She wants to take a break from the relationship and I've asked her what the break consist of but she will not give me a real answer. She says its up to me. I'm going to counseling to try and better myself. I try to pull closer to her to comfort her but she is always snappy. By the way she has type 2 diabetes as well. I told her she wins and I'll give her her break and then she pulls closer. I try to see her and it feels like she throws in my face how bad I stressed her out. I tell her I know I did and I'm trying to work on it and all she can say is ok. Then I tell her it looks like I'm the only one trying to make this work and she tells me stop this is the exact stuff that's stressing her out. I don't know what to do. Just want to be back home with her so we can work it out together.
ANSWER: Hi Mike-
If she wants to make things work out with you, then she has to be more specific than "you know what you need to work on" that's not an acceptable answer from her. As long as you're doing your part that's what matters most. Some women just need a little space when they get stressed. She has to work with you not against you. You're the only one that can change you. Same thing goes for her.
You both need to sit down when your both calm and have a heart to heart talk and try to work together as a team. If you know what triggers you, meaning that know what stressed her out, you need to recognize it and find coping skills, which your counselor will tell you about, and put those skills to use. Your fiance is going to have to learn to implement and use them as well, in order to help you with your stress.
Talking regularly, openly and honestly will help you grow as a couple too. You will both have to be committed to this, as you will not be able to do this on your own. Hopefully in time things can slowly get better. Be patient and diligent though. I hope this helps encourage you some. Don't give up!
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QUESTION: She talking about up to me as in seeing a change in me. She talked about her ex husband a lot during our relationship and that's what pulled my insecurities. Then she accepted her recent ex on facebook and I told her I felt disrespected. And she got all mad. She has a lot of built up resentment towards me for finger pointing which was my mistake. I didn't know how to get my feelings across. I told her tonight I feel like I'm the only one trying to make it work so I'm just gonna leave it be. She comes back and tells me that's how im stressing her out..I just didn't respond. Was wondering if I should just back off and let her come to me?
I tend to agree with you on most of this. She DID disrespect you when she accepted his friend request on FB! How would she feel if the situation were reversed and you accepted an exes friend request. Some things from the past should be left alone. This is one of those things.
Besides why should she be mad at you for what SHE did. I mean didn't she think thatthis could potentially cause problems? It was in poor taste that she did this. And I think that most ppl in your situation would react the way you did, meaning to be ticked off and feel disrespected. That's a pretty normal reaction.
I think for now that just might be the best decision is to let it go and give her space and time to think about what she's doing. Let it be for be.