Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Need marriage help


Dear Richard,

I need some help please. My husband became distant in January and shared that he is unhappy and does not love me anymore.  He mentiond lacking confidence in himself before we got together, so did not have typical opportunities to explore. We have been married 6 years, together 10. We are in early 30's. We had a miscarriage in Decemebr but he said that was not relevant. He shared above things the week before we were going to try again.

I came upon a message in Feburay by accident from my husband to his male coworker friend. My husband told him that he has feelings for one of their coworkers. The follow up message not too long ago said this person may be aware of his feelings but it has not been reciprocated. It is painful knowing he is around this person each day and on outings with the team like dinner. I let him know I was aware of this, not mentioning seeing the message. He said I was mistaken and he would not betray me and was not worth ruining a marriage for.

In last few months he has gone from hugging, kissing, saying I love you, giving heads up/apologizing for being late, wearing his ring, coming home right after now only goodnight hugs. He tested himself by stopping other things and said they do not bother him. I told him not wearing his ring bothered me. He said everyone at work knows he is married. We still sleep in same bed and watch tv. But feels like going through the motions. I excuse myself early to go to bed and giving more space.

I have been using the approach from the save my marriage program...I have been patient, positive, checking my emotions, limiting relationship talk, reflecting on what my part has been to change and give space as needed. I suggest changing up things like going to movies and other things a couple times a week (has been a fail so far but try). When he does have errands he asks me along, which is something, but may be to keep the peace. There are also moments of light hearted convos but trying not to look into things too much. I say this because our web history is linked and he searched for "how to tell your spouse you want a divorce?" I feel like I have been holding my breath for last week since saw that and really want to see that prevented.

I told him recently how much I appreciate him, love him and want to rebuild together. He said he does not think he feels the same and that he does not feel that unhappiness and loss of feelings can be fixed.  I hope he can realize soon that it is worth to reconnect and that drastic measures do not need to be taken. I would like to feel in my heart he does not really want this. My fear is the "grass is always greener" mentality and feedback he may be getting and materials reading. It has been a tough few months but know that is not a lot of time reallly, even though he may think that. All I know is that I love him and do not want to lose him. Your feedback is much appreciated.


Relationships can only be salvaged when both parties are willing to sacrifice their wants and selfish ways.  The way you described the situation is fairly straight forward, and I think, regardless of how much it hurts to go through what he is forcing you to go through, there is little you can do change his mind or his way of thinking.

My best advice is to let him go.  In fact you may want to preempt his decision with one of your own.  Marriages only work well when those who love each other also respect and treat each other as the most important.  All relationships have issues.  The difference with successful relationships is in the manner that those issues are dealt with.  A loving marriage takes a lot of effort given and you have given that effort.  

You are welcome to try and I am not one to deny your right to try as long as you like but when your efforts are not welcome or are not accepted as loving then it's time to sit back, take a deep breath and look at the reality of what's happening.  

Let him go but at the same time start thinking about life without him.  I understand how difficult this all is.  This was your man, your choice and you believed he chose you and the two of you would grow old together.  I am so sorry for what your going through but please take what I've said and ponder the situation and what is truly best for you.

Try to remove the love component and look rationally at the situation.  Confront your husband and give him an ultimatum, give him the choice and let him make the fateful decision to end your marriage.   Also be grateful that there were no children at this stage and have faith that your will find the right man, if this man decides to leave.  

From what I've read you are an amazing woman.  You did what you could do, it's now time for him to put up or shut up.  It's also time for you to move away from the circle of misery that your now dealing with.  join a club, volunteer, go back to school.  Get your life on track.  I would say the same things to you if your relationship was good.  Stay balanced in your life and find new ways to explore your talents and share your spectacular life.  

This may not sound like, or look like a blessing but start counting those blessings that are your life and all will be well.

My sincerest wishes of good will.


Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Richard Taylor


After 30 years of marriage and 10 children I can comfortably answer questions about developing or salvaging a strong marriage relationship.


Relationships fail almost exclusively due to individual selfishness or inappropriate activities outside of the marriage contract. Almost any marriage can be salvaged and can flourish. There are exceptions, adultery, abuse and addictions may sever the trust to such an extent that a marriage may not survive.

In addition to my personal experiences I have over 15 years of special education experience with a Masters in special Ed.

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