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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship/Resolving argument with separated wife.


I am separated from my wife and she filed for divorce in January. We have to children 4 and 8. We co-own our house. Up until recently, my wife has been cold towards me when I visit the house to see the kids. But she then changed and was friendly and hospitable. I thought great we are making progress. She then took the kids with her mother to Disneyland. I was quite sad by this as we had only gone there last June as a family. She even told me when she was there that she missed me. Whilst she was away, I decided to go to our home to spend some time there as I moved into a place nearby but I am not happy there. I thought being in the house would make me feel connected in some way to the family. When I got to the house, she gad locked it from the inside and taken the back door key. I was angry that she would do this so I called the police for advice. They said I had every right to enter my house. I then called a locksmith and was let in. I didn't tell my wife as I hoped not to upset her.  

On her return, things were great. We all had dinner together and she was happy to see me. The next morning she contacted me about a dress for our daughter. She then asked if I had been in the house. I said yes as I didn't want to lie. I explained that she had no right to lock me out of my house and that I called the police for advice.She became very defensive and angry, calling me decietful and spiteful and turning it all on me. I eventually backed down as I didn't want an argument but she continued that I was no friend of hers and that she thought we had turned a corner and that we had a new friendship. She threatened to force sale of the house if I went there again.

What can I do to calm this down? I did nothing wrong but she has made it out to be my fault. I appologised for not informing her and wanted to make peace but she doesn't want to right now. Should I contact her or leave her be? I want to see the kids this weekend but am worried to even ask as she told me to leave her alone. Please advise.

Hello Andrew,
A difficult situation! What you are running into is the scenario where your wife is calling the shots and keeping you on a bit of an emotional string. She determines how you feel by treating you either well or badly. Some of the behaviour you are describing is irrational and you may have to prepare yourself for some drama down the road.
I think the way to calm things down is to be quiet but firm in all your dealings with her. Ask her why she is so upset with you for entering your house, listen to what she has to say without comment or argument and try to avoid being drawn into arguments, drama and conflict. It will be difficult, as it sounds like drama is what your wife feeds on.
Being quiet and firm and refusing to get involved in drama may not make things better in the short term. But they won't make things worse. That will give you a chance to figure out what is really going on.
I hope this helps.
All the best,

Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship

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Liam Naden


I specialise in helping couples save their marriage and rebuild it after major hurts such as an affair. Creating intimacy, removing hurt, dealing with sexual and communication problems. I have two relationship-saver programs and a free podcast which are available from my website and a free report, "The Five Keys to Saving Your Marriage Now" at


Relationship coach with own relationship coaching business. Author of several books on marriage and intimacy. I offer two relationship saving programs: "Stop Your Divorce" and "Save Your Marriage" which have helped many couples save their marriage and rebuild their love and intimacy.

Publications Amazon Kindle: Author of the ""Growing in Love for Life" series of ebooks for saving and strengthening marriage.

Master of Arts (First Class Honors)

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