AboutDr Tim Gladu Expertise I will be willing to answer general questions on marriage. I will give the advice from the aspect of what the Bible has to say and the advice will be based on the Word of God. I do not give medical advice.
Experience Experience in the area: I have 14 Years in Ministry. I have also been happily married for 21 years and have raised 3 Children
Southern Baptist.
Education/Credentials Bachelor’s degree in Ministry, a Masters in Pastoral Counseling and a Doctorate in Theology.
Question Dear Dr. Tim Gladu, I do not know if I am right in doing this but I need your help. I have known my husband almost 26 years and have been married almost 25 years. When I said, "I Do”, I meant it for the rest of my life. I really wonder if my husband feels the same way. You see we never had it easy in our marriage. Money was always and issue. Our two kids grew up without a Mom to be around for skinned knees, I would be home only to kiss them good night and sometimes not then either. I did regret that, but my kids necessities had to be bought. You see my husband never really knew what he wanted to do in his life as far as employment. He would always try new things, when you do that stability goes to the wave side. We have two children all grown and starting their own lives. I still worked a lot and my husband was home, he did hobbies nothing ever substantial. After me not being around because I was working, he decided to start a hobby, which in turn became more and more important to him even though more money was spent than taking in. I encouraged it because I always believe you should stand behind your spouse. He always tried to make a living himself but things always happened, I am sure with that in mind it never really made him feel like much of a provider. Had no idea that me not being around would cause more of a problem than not. I just thought hey, he is having fun. However when I wanted to be included that is when problems arose. He was going out to bars and never would ask me but when it got to the point that he would give up work and do these extracurricular activities and bills were not being paid that is when I started to think something is not right. I decided that if I was going to strengthen our marriage I needed to be around more. Little did I know their was another women that was trying very hard to get his attention. I was home worrying about bills and arguing with my husband because he did not work but did his hobby and I am being yelled at that I was controlling. She now is his best bud (of course what did she have to yell at him for? Why would he not want to be around another woman that praises his every move?) The hobby they do together gives them the reason to stay connected. I tried to tell my husband that but he did not believe me. It was not until there was actual evidence like letters and answering machines that made him realize I was right. However, she is so important to their hobby. Make a long story short. She is now befriending family so she can be around more. I new that something was going on. I spotted them kissing (just a Peck) my husband said it was nothing. I told him you do not kiss another woman on the lips, not when you are married. I have had a hard time believing anything that he says I find myself looking for more evidence. Hoping deep down there is not more. My husband use to be attentive not romantic but attentive. He says that when the trust is gone there is nothing. I told him I believed him that there is nothing-physical going on. However, I did believe there was mental going on. It seemed he could let his hair down with her. I asked him to include me and let me go to the get together however, he would say he was not going. Only if I said I wanted to go. I reach out to him as if I am the aggressor (the man) I do not need a lot I just need to know that I am loved and do I feel loved? NO. When I want him to come to bed and he has to make an excuse so he can come to bed later. He says that he needs no women. I talk to friends and they say "he must be getting it elsewhere" My husband is home every night and every weekend however I do know that when he is working she calls and when I call I get the machine. We had some deaths that were very hard to get through. I do believe that because he looked at her as his best bud and she did everything she could to make it easy for him to fall into wanting her consoling over mine. He tells me he loves me and that I am the only one for him. He just keeps telling me things change. I ask if he wants out and that I need to know so I am not wasting my time. He will not answer me he says stop Dr. Philling him. I try to tell him that if a relationship is to work you have to talk. He just says I am psychoanalyzing. I tell him I am too old for this I need to be in a healthy relationship. Even if they are only friends, I know that is not what she wants. She does things that she knows hurts our relationship. I know she is still an important part to this hobby that they started. Point, he cannot get her angry. He cannot ruffle her feathers. Even though she has ruffled mine. I am only his wife. I have tried to kick him out and I am soft. I love him so much. It was love at first sight for both of us. I know he loves me I just do not know if I am a habit only as far as the liking part. He does not like it when I talk to other people however if he would only talk to other married men he would see that his actions are very damaging to a marriage. How do you after 25 years of loving only one person give up on that person? I do feel that he is going through a mid-life crisis. I tell him that. He does not answer me. He will kiss me he will hug me only if I ask. He just says, “I am not a romantic.” Those words were never spoken in our whole marriage. They never had to be. We just understood one another. When ever I ask him if I can talk to him the first he says is “What do you want to complain about now? What did I do now?” My friends’ husbands tell me that I am an easy person to please if only he would open his eyes. I want to plan a vacation and all I get is go ahead if were together I will go. He has bought something that was a lot of money and never told me. Then when it cam time to get it (I only found out) because he was not at work and we bumped into one another after. To boot some of his family and her were there. He told me he did not intend to show me not yet it is not completed yet. He came straight home right after and then he stayed home with me. When it is completed then I will see it. I get angry and hurt. He in turns gets angry because he feels I had no reason to be angry or hurt for that matter. I do not get it. I always look for the future and reality which sometimes can be a downer to a dreamer. I am very much a worrier for consequences. Is that so wrong? I just want to be happy. I never expected much is it true that when you do not expect much you do not get much either? Surprises never come this way and I have learned to live with that. I just want time together, he calls me needy. Am I really needy? Can you help me understand what he is doing? For that matter what I am doing. I sometimes feel so drained. Thank You
Answer Sam,
After reading your story I can really only say one thing. Your husband needs to step up be a man and end his inappropriate relationship with this other woman. He tells you that nothing is going on, but it seems to me there is something. There are ways of cheating on your spouse without a sexual relationship. he also needs to get a job and help you out even if it is not some super job he owes you at least the respect to try to be a man. I also do not think you are needy at all, from what you have told me you are a real strong individual and he has been milking the system and keeping you there just to support him. I would suggest you confront him about his hobby as you call it. I feel from what you have told me that you appear to be a very caring and loving person that whats everyone around you to be happy and satisfied. I also feel that you have in some ways allowed this to happen. I am not saying that your husband should have taken advantage of the situation, but he has been able to do this for some time. When something is allowed to happen for this long there will not be an instant change it may even take years to make the change. Men are nothing but usually very simple and there is not to much to figure out. I can tell you that if my wife was not there to call me on some things that I would not be the man I am today. Confront him in his behavior and let him know excatly how you feel. he may not want to change, but if you continue to love and support him, but the behavior is what you want to change not the man. I hope that this is helped and if you need more advice I am always available.
