Expert: Sandra Shoup - 11/21/2004

Question
My husband claims that i'm selfish, when we argue, on a regular basis. i don't mean to ramble, but here's an example: he got me mad when we were getting ready to go to sleep. i crawl out of bed to basically get his attention, to make him believe i was leaving. he asked me once to come back to bed and i purposely asked why, because i guess i was being immature and, once again, wanted attention. he scoffed and said,"well then leave." i got upset, and told him flat out that i wanted him to show me he wanted me there. he claims that he shouldn't have to ask his wife twice to come to bed with him. he asked "what makes you so special? you're so selfish! why don't you think about how i feel when you don't want to sleep with me?!?!" yet again, he leaves me stumped and sad. we have argument of this matter a lot. it's like we're in a power war and we are holding on to dear life not to give in to each other. this isn't a defining point in my relationship or anything, but it does sadden me. i was wondering if you had any advice to smooth things over with this whole selfishness issue.

Answer
Dear Debra,
 It seems that you are a person who needs attention, so much attention that it doesn't matter whether it's good attention or bad.  This indicates that your self-esteem is functioning on low.  This is the real issue you have to work on.
 People get married to spend as much time as possible in the company of the person they love.If your husband provokes arguements at bedtime he is playing a power game.  If, on the other hand, you over react to something he says or does at bedtime, you are playing the power game.  Either way, this is not good for a marriage and it needs to be corrected.
 Each of you should make a list of what the other does or says that provokes an arguement.  Share the list without argueing, merely accept the fact that these are things  you each do that the other does'nt like.  Agree that these things need to be worked on, but,especially, kept out of the bedroom.  If you find that your communication skills as a couple don't allow you to discuss these matters in a calm manner you would be wise to seek marriage counseling.
 Best wishes,
 Sandra