Expert: Samantha - 6/27/2005

Question
Well i was wondering if you could give me advice on how to fix my relationship with my husband. I am feeling lonely and like there is no passion left in our marriage. we have been married 4 years, almost 5 and since our daughter was born everything has changed between us. He works 1 hour shifts and sleeps the rest of the time. I have been thinking about separating from him and giving him his space but i don't want to hurt him. I cook,clean, do laundry and dishes, and do everything else he asks of me but i get nothing out of it but stress and loneliness. what should i do? i really want my marriage to last but i can't keep feeling lonely. I also put up with emotional and sometimes physical abuse from him, but i love him so much i don't do anything to stop him. am i wrong for this? Help me figure this out please

Answer
Hi Chasity~

Do NOT take his abuse (especially physical) one moment longer!  You don't deserve to be abused, and he certainly has NO right to lay a hand on you, period.  What do you think this is teaching your child?  Either to be abused by someone or to abuse someone.  She'll grow to think this is normal and to be expected.  So if you don't leave for yourself, please think of her.  I don't care if this happens all the time, or only once in a while.  It's not right for him to abuse you in any shape, form or way.  It's certainly not okay at all.

So this is what needs to happen.  He either needs to get counseling for his abusive nature, or he needs to leave immediately.  Besides if he'll abuse you, what makes you think that he won't eventually turn the abuse towards your daughter.  That's a scary thought to think about, if you ask me.  

No one wants to go through a divorce or even a separation.  But you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your child.  What would happen if someone found out that he were abusing you, and they called CPS (child protective services)?  You would then run the risk of having your child taken from you.  That's something else you want to think about as well.  Your husband needs some sort of help for his violent outburst (mental, emotional and physical).  There are counselors that can help him learn how to control it, as well as you work on your marriage, if you want to save it and make it work.

It's going to take the cooperation of him though.  You can't make him change unless he's willing to acknowledge his problem and get the proper help for it.  I don't think you should stay one moment longer until he agrees to resolve these problems and get help.  

If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.