Expert: Alison Rose Levy - 8/30/2007

Question
My husband and I have been together for a year. He's 29 and was raised by his mother. He prides himself on being different and one thing that is very different is that he has never pleasured himself and doesn't want to nor does he has any real need for sex. I know that this would probably make most wives happy but not me. I know he is attracted to me. My question is what can I do to help him want sex more and make the experience more pleasing? He's only been with one other women besides me and she was "sex crazy," as he puts it. She asked a lot and id things that he hated. I seems like it scared him away from sex completely. I'm a passionate and romantic person, I try not to push but I enjoy sex very much. Please help me if you can.
thanking you,
Isis

Answer
Dear Isis:

Thank you for writing.

There are two issues here: First, a substantial difference between your own sex drive and your husband's; and second, your husband's fear or discomfort around sex.

Unless you too are content with a sexless relationship, which you state you are not, these differences could turn out to be problematic.

I would recommend that you and your husband consult a sex therapist, who can help you both in several ways. First of all, a qualified sex therapist can assess whether your husband's low libido is due to physiology, stress, or other factors. That professional can accordingly recommend treatments both for the low libido, as well as guide you as a couple in actions and behaviors that will encourage your sexual relationship without triggering the prior experiences which have caused your husband to avoid sexual activity.

I don't think you will have an easy time addressing these issues on your own without professional help. In seeking help, it's important that you communicate your love for your husband as the main reason for wanting to consult a professional. In the event that your husband is unwilling to go to the therapist, I would suggest that you go yourself to better understand what might be helpful under these circumstances.

Best wishes,

Alison

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