Expert: Lucille Zimmerman - 12/8/2008

Question
I am 44 yrs old and was abused by a relative when was a child. I remembered it all but only acknowledged the abuse in my early 20’s when a national campaign in the UK brought it all up…Anyway 5 years later I was divorced on the grounds of emotional abuse and left to deal with the fact that I destroyed my marriage. I entered counselling and spent a few years in group and private therapy. But I found it all too difficult and left to work overseas.

I have spent the rest of my life not thinking about things…..I am married and have been for 18 years, I told her the basics of the abuse but it is not something I want to talk about. I know that I am a difficult person to be around and that my wife finds it very hard to deal with my downtimes…I know how difficult I can be. Sex is our biggest problem…If she says no it absolutely crushes me…I am the doer…always wanting to know what I can do for her…am I doing that right….what if I do this etc etc. She has learnt to never ask what I want…anything that is similar to what happened….her undressing me, using her hands to masturbate me or giving oral immediately turns me off and either makes me angry or blank. I have tried to explain that I find myself slipping away, becoming passive, closing my mind and it’s the fear of that that makes me so aggressive.

Sorry to go on but my problem is that I thought that I could just go on ignoring this. But recently my wife confessed that she likes the idea of playing D/s games….. All started out fine but it has suddenly brought up all these emotions for me… I can’t sleep…I have become obsessed with what she means by it…. I just can’t do the things she wants to try…I feel a total fake. I mean I have no problem if she wants to be spanked and stuff like that…. But she likes the idea of someone with a dominant attitude…. We met a couple for drinks who are into this sort of thing and he (the dom) just triggered all my defences (I am not saying he was an abuser) but I found myself feeling like that scared little boy again….. He suggested to my wife that I might prefer to have her dominate me….. The whole thing has totally crushed me… Its not that “it brings up all those terrible memories” In fact I find all that kind of softly talk annoying, weak and difficult to handle. I suppose I am scared she will find out what a fake I am…. That I am not manly enough for her, that in reality I am weak and pathetic. I cannot stop thinking….not about the abuse but what a fake I am…. Scared that despite my wife’s promises that it was just a fun idea, I cannot give her what she needs. It’s just this overwhelming dread that someone has exposed me as a fake, a victim, I feel like shit.

I am nearly fifty and don’t want to deal with this….. just want it all to go away. I sit up all night worrying and going around in circles. Therapy is not something I can handle; we work in a third world country without any support groups and…when I tried before it just didn’t work….. On an intellectual level I can see what is going on but I just don’t want to deal with it emotionally. I am too old now and don’t want to spend the rest of my life in therapy


Answer
Hi Steve - I don't know if I have a lot of solutions for you.  The fact that you can't or won't go to therapy and/or support groups takes away my best option for you.

I think it would be tremendously helpful for you and your wife to see a counselor who specializes in sexual issues.

I can offer you a blog for male survivors of sexual abuse:

http://shatteringthesilence.wordpress.com/

Also, Dr. Laura Behrman has a practice where she counsels couples who have issues related to sexuality.  She has a DVD that shows her counseling various couple.  Perhaps this would be helpful for you and your wife to watch and discuss.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000SE4TFU/ref=pd_bbs_sr_9?ie=UTF8&s=digital-vi...

If nothing else, can you find a male friend to share your concerns?  Is there anyone such as a pastor with whom you feel safe?  It maybe scary, but  I found that risk for authenticity to worth it.