AboutDr.Sunu Sundar Expertise I can answer questions from rape victims who are desperate to find a source for inner healing. All my answers will focus on soothing the victims of rape ultimately leading to inner healing.
Experience I have been in counselling for last seven years adults,teenagers and children who are abused and raped in various situations.
Education/Credentials I have a master degree in Psychology and another in Sociology
Question QUESTION: I was raped by an acquaintance about 3 years ago. We were out drinking and he offered to walk me home, once there I don't remember much, but remember enough to know he took advantage of me. I went to counseling for about 6 months and it helped tremendously. I really don't feel angry at him anymore and feel that I have dealt with the actual event. However, I just ended a 2 year relationship, and throughout this relationship I had strange feelings toward sexual activities of any kind. I think part of this was because of my feelings toward my ex-boyfriend, but even now, the thought of having sex with anyone else again, is almost kind of frightening. When I was with my ex, I would sometimes feel that us having sex was a dirty thing, and that we shouldn't be doing it. I'm just really confused. I can't really afford to go to a counselor outside of my school, but am in the counseling program, and therefore know most of the counselors there. I feel awkward discussing this with someone I know, but I don't know where else to go. If you have any words of advice I would appreciate it.
ANSWER: Dear Kristin,
Good wishes from Dr.Sunu Sundar.
I got an idea of your dilemma. However I would appreciate if you can provide me some more details and elaborate those incidents or events that happened between your boy friend that terminated your 2 year relationship.The details you provide me will help me to analyze what went wrong where.
It will be also a help if you can recall any event(s) connected to your aversion towards sex.
The other information that could help me in answering you is the quality of sexual relation you had with your friend. Was he perverse etc.?
Was there perverse acts done on you when you were raped?
I will get back to you after reading from you again.
You can also reach me at placladoc@yahoo.co.in
Thank you for being patient with my queries.
-Dr.Sunu Sundar
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QUESTION: My boyfriend and I broke up for a number of reasons. One of the big ones was that he doesn't believe in God, at all. We got engaged in January, and when we started talking about the wedding, he was very opposed to having a religious ceremony. He was also opposed to having our future children baptised as babies and raising them in a church. I have very strong opinions about this, and I really could not compromise on them. I also began to realize that I did not look forward to seeing him (we lived in different towns)and I did not enjoy his company. As I began talking to my family and friends about this, I found that many of them felt he treated me poorly. For example, he did not value my opinion, didn't care if he hurt my feelings, and they felt that I was the only trying to make the relationship work, etc. He wasn't perverse when we had sex, although he definately wanted it more often than I ever did. It seemed like everytime I turned around he was practically crawling on me. I really disliked it, and told him this frequently. It would slow down for a while, and then he would return to his "normal" behavior. I do remember waking up in bed more than once when I was visiting him, and he was groping me, which I found rather disturbing, and I told him so, but it didn't stop him. He liked to spank me which I didn't overly like, but he did, so I let him do so. But often when we were having sex, I felt like I was more of an object to him. In fact throughout most of our relationship I often felt that the only reason he would come visit me, or ask me to come see him, is so that he could have sex with me. The sex was good, but after a few months of dating him (we did live in the same town for about 9 months of our relationship) I felt like there was no connection. He would brag to me how good he was and tell me I had to be the best I ever had. So I guess he wasn't perverse, but rather kind of narcissistic.
I'm not sure what caused my sudden change toward sex. I remember one night when we were together that I just didn't want to have sex anymore. I have battled depression for many years, and I chalked it up to needing my meds adjusted, but even after they were adjusted, sex was just going through the motions. That was about 1.5 years ago.
I really can't remember anything too clearly about my rape. I do know he anally raped me, I was extremely sore and bloody there the next morning. I also remember him forcing me to go down on him, but otherwise, it's very fuzzy.
I hope this clears up some of your questions, but feel free to ask more if need be.
Kristin
Answer Dear Kristin,
Greetings and peace.
Thank you for the details. I very much appreciate that you have a God oriented outlook.
I could understand most of that you have written except for the word 'spanking' in the context you have mentioned. Was he beating you? More over I find perversive acts done to you, eventhough you do not recognize it as perversion. I consider that if a woman is used as a object that itself is a initiation of perversive act. This is my subjective opinion out of counselling experiences.
The aversion that you are going through is perhaps one of the natural ways that your mind is adopting to prevent similar incidents happening to to your body and mind.
There are many reasons for me to say that you have endured sex with him and silently suffered. There are many possibilities that these repressed sex experiences shows up through your conscious mind as a kind of aversive feeling towards sex.But if you 'safe guard' your mind and body in the future from falling in to wrong persons then this aversion will cease.
Date/fall in love with a guy who is God oriented? It may take some more time for you to heal within. I would suggest you to resort to diligent prayers and meditations on the scripture regularly atleast for six months. Surely you will become all right.
Feel free to contact me for further guidance at placladoc@yahoo.co.in also
