AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Expert: Kim Date: 6/16/2008 Subject: is this considered rape?
Question I had originally met this guy back in January, He offered to buy me a beer and the admittance fee into a club and he drove. WE got to the bar; he ended up having to leave soon after. Then 5 months later we run into each other again. He gives me his number to hang out last Friday, I was already going to a party so he said hew would stop by to hang out. Around 12 on Friday night he shows up to the party, intoxicated and in a cab. I had already had at least 4 beers and drank maybe 2 more while we were there. During the party we started kissing, and he tried putting his hands down my pants and I stopped him and said, "That’s to quick, you're going to have to be patient with me." (I never date, so even kissing was stressful for me) I asked him if he was patient and he said he was. So I go and talk to a couple other people and he has me move over in the shadows with I’m but we were still facing everyone... And he was trying yet again to put his hands down my pants I stopped him again, and he said its fine no one will see.. He had told me he wanted me to stay the night with him, and we wouldn't have to have sex, so I agreed. I decided that we could stay at my friend’s house, who is married and was our designated driver for the night. We go back to my friend’s house, her and her husband go into their bedroom and go to bed, and we were to go to sleep on the futon in the living room. He got down to his boxers and i got in to bed fully dressed. He then took all of my clothes off, so we started kissing and he shoving his hands between my legs.. and I pushed him back and said "I'm a virgin, and want to wait until I get married to have sex." he then got on top of me and said , what about just the tip, I said no, he said come on, I said no again, so then i thought it was just his fingers but realized that it was hurting more than just fingers (having no sexual experience at all fingers normally hurt too) so I pushed him off of my saying, "that’s too close to having actual sex" HE said "what are you talking about." I repeated, "That’s too close to having sex, I’m a virgin, I'm waiting till i get married." he said, not anymore, I said what he said you’re not a virgin anymore; i just took your virginity, oops. My mind was racing I couldn't believe that just happened.. i told him he didn't understand I told him my values of sex and marriage, and he said he understands because he went to a Christian church but he likes sex and has needs, I said i understood he had needs but I don't want to have sex until i was married. He said, sorry I took advantage of you, you can still tell all your friends that you’re a virgin it didn’t really count anyway, I’ll leave, I said that’s not the point, and why are you mad, he said I hurt his feelings , I said this is nothing personal to you I just want to wait. I went to the bathroom , and there was blood on the tissue. I came back out and sat down with my hands on my face, he said it was fine and he wouldn’t think any different of me. Then I said again I wanted to wait, and he said something like it didn’t matter because he had already had me and what difference would it make.. so he got on top of me again and started again, and kept pushing on his chest stopping him and he’d start again this went on a couple times. Then he got frustrated because I kept stopping him and said I was confusing because I would let him start but then stop him I said I didn’t want to and he reached down in between my legs and said that was saying I did. I said no I don’t. so then I think he started reaching inside with him fingers and then he just got back on top and stuck it in me. I had my hands on his stomach trying to get him not to go in, but I didn’t say anything anymore, then I just stop trying to stop him and convince him that that’s not what I wanted. And let him do that for what seemed like for ever. I did keep saying that it hurt, so that then gave him the idea to try different positions. by then I just did whatever he said. Everything hurt. None of that worked for him though. SO he started using his hand on him self. And told me to kiss his neck and that didn’t work for him either. He then had me get on top I said I didn’t want to, but I once again did it anyway. That wasn’t working either, So then he told me to do oral, I said I didn’t want to, he said come on, please, And I did that anyway. Then two seconds later, he flipped me over and stuck it in me again. He had me wrap my legs around him, I thought that maybe if I tried, he would “go” and then stop and go to sleep. Then again after it seemed like forever he finally did… I think I went to the bathroom again and came back out and laid down and he wanted to again, and I said I was really sore and I hurt and didn’t want to, I think he did it again anyway.. and then finally said ok lets go to sleep. I got dressed and he went out on the balcony and he asked me how it was I said I don’t know.. And he said whatever and went back inside. I went back in and I was like what do you want me to say he wanted me to say it was special. I laid back down fully clothed and he was still naked, and he rolled over and went to sleep with his back to me. I cried. Then in the morning, my friend woke up and was getting ready for work and I pretended everything was fine towards both of them.. I thought it was my fault that the night had happened. I thought it was my fault I lost my virginity to someone I barely knew. He told me he wanted me to come back to him room to go to sleep. So my friend drove us to his place and he got down to his boxers again, and I was said just sleeping right? He said yes, and then told me to take off my shorts I said I can sleep with them on, he said you’ll be more comfortable, so I just took them off then he took off my shirt. And I got in between the wall and him. He took off my underwear and started touching me again. I said I didn’t want to again, because I was sore and hurt, he said please , I said no, he said come on, I said no, he then said I won’t go in, and got on top of me, I said you promise and he said yes. But he went in again anyway… and I didn’t say anything else except maybe that it hurt. So he decided again to flip me over and do it that way.. it still hurt so he got some lubricant and put it on him and on me.. and did it that way.. I just laid there and let him do it again. Then he stopped and said lets go to sleep, so he rolled away from me and went to sleep. I got up and went to the bathroom.. I left soon after
I thought it was my fault because I stopped trying to stop him, and convince him that I didn’t want to do that. He made me feel guilty. I was in such shock after the initial blow, at one point I just mentally went some where else and didn’t acknowledge what was happening. But because I gave in, and let him do whatever, and convince me to do whatever he wanted, that It was my fault it happened in the first place. I also know it was stupid to go back to him room, but I was trying to pretend everything was ok.. I’ve been going over this for a week, and I still can’t get the answer I’m looking for. My questions are:
Was it my fault?
Why didn’t I do anything else to stop it?
Why did I just let it happen?
Why did I pretend everything was fine with him?
Did I overreact?
Answer Annie,
First, I am so sorry that this happened and that your values and morals were ignored.
I am sorry for all your pain and confusion. If only words could make it better.
To your questions:
NO, this was not your fault, you absolutely communicated and said no, not only in words but in actions.
After a certain point and when fear sets in, we all go into what we call “Survivor Mode” Meaning we realize that to make it through it; we have to do what ever it
takes. This doesn’t mean that you didn’t do enough for fight enough or try to stop him. You did, but at that point you needed to survive.
You didn’t just let it happen; again, you went into shock and in turn went into survival mode.
A lot of times after trauma like what you went through, you go into shock and denial and shortly after that many survivors begin Rape Trauma Syndrome, which goes in stages, much like the grieving process of death and dying.
No you didn’t overreact, it‘s perfectly understandable.
Are you getting some counseling? Someone that can help you with the healing and help you understand?
