AboutDr.Sunu Sundar Expertise I can answer questions from rape victims who are desperate to find a source for inner healing. All my answers will focus on soothing the victims of rape ultimately leading to inner healing.
Experience I have been in counselling for last seven years adults,teenagers and children who are abused and raped in various situations.
Education/Credentials I have a master degree in Psychology and another in Sociology
Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar Date: 6/13/2008 Subject: sexual abuse
Question Dear Doctor:
I am 45 years of age now and I am finally facing the abuse I endured as a small child. My father had an open relationship with my sister, he made her have sex with him in front of all of us. My mother was bossed by this man and belittled, she had a weight issue which I am certain came from the abuse she endured herself.
My dad started with my oldest sister.. he went to my middle sister and I am trying to recall when he fist put his fingers inside of me. I believe I was in grade two or three, that is as far back as my memory is allowing me to travel these days.. I had placed all of this abuse someplace dark .. I did not even get reoccurring flash backs of this until approximately 3 years ago..
I was in an abusive marriage where my husband had no or very little respect for me. He would leave for week-ends on end.. with little or no explanation.. he would use his yelling and screaming and his strength to over power me.. I was afraid of my own shadow for many years.. it was not until I was out of this marriage of 23 years that all of this started to return. I did seek out some counseling but I felt that I did not make a connection with these two people I tried it with...
Some of the things I am remembering are horrific... my dad had sex with me many times.. using force when he felt that it was necessary... he had my sister and I have sex with other men in front of him.. I remember we were never allowed to wear panties.. he would make us bend over in front of men and even open our vagina lips to show him and other men... I have countless memories of all the sexual abuse, where I had no choice in any of it.. I remember the frustration and how I wanted it to end.. I never wanted anyone to know.... well to make this story short.. my father committed suicide... I had threatened to turn him in.. I said that he was going to go to jail..(my sister had finally left the family home at the age of 29 and he could not take the loss)...
I did go thru a spell where I was upset with my mom.. for many years I thought she did not know.. however with all of this memory stuff coming back.. I realized that I was wrong.. SHE DID KNOW... but she was abused as much.. if not MORE.. I loved my mom very much and forgive her for any participation she had in neglecting our safety and care as children.. I KNOW she was abused in more severe ways than we can ever imagine. She has since passed away and I guess we will never know the extent of that abuse.
My question is this.. I have read all the "self-help" books.. I have tried to forget this.. I tried to "forgive".. I feel that I have forgiven my dad.. I do know there was lots of good that he shared with his family.. it was not all bad... My father was a very intelligent person.. well respected in the community.. I would never want to drag his name into the mud now.. too many years have passed and it would only hurt us, his surviving victims...
I was abused by my father.. and an uncle that came to our home.(as a small child of about 7 or 8)... he always wanted to put his fingers inside of me.. we would drive to the store, he would buy me a treat.. and he would finger me all the way there..
Then I had a cousin that came from the UK.. I was only 11 at the time... he had sex with me .. (my father approved of this).he had a daughter my age as well.. (my cousin did). I was continuously giving away my vagina and butt for men to enjoy without my permission (I had no say in it, I had to do as I was told)
I tried to tell the proper authorities when I was younger.. too bad children were not believed back then.. I was removed from my home and place with a foster family for a bit.. I felt as though I was intruding and in the way.. so I asked my mom if I could come home.. I was now of legal age to return I thought as I had just had my 16th birthday... I remember coming home and my dad wanting to reprimand me for something.. he asked me if I wanted the "strap"... or two fingers? I asked for the strap.. he made me take my pants off.. and my panties.. then he slapped my vagina as well as my butt.. when he was done.. he said I was getting the two fingers as well...
When I left home and the province.. It was just a summer.. we moved back and decided to get married (my boyfriend and I).. I told my dad he had to keep his hands off me.. so I did not realize I had gained some of my own strength back... He treated me poorly after this.. calling me a slut and tramp.. and belittling me at every opportunity... Well just within the past few months I have realized that he was assaulting me after I was out drinking with my boyfriend.. he was waiting for me to pass out and he would have sex with me.. I had a few flash backs of this come back.. the one that really upset me was the night before my wedding.. I woke up with him inside of me.. he asked me to let him have this sex for payment of the dinner he had to supply to all of our guests.. (300 people came to wedding)..
I could go on and on about the abuse but there is no need to do this.. I KNOW it was NEVER my fault.. I was such an innocent child... if only I knew then what I know now.. my dad would have spend his life in JAIL..
Now that I am venturing into a new life.. I am not depressed.. I went through that too.. I was depressed when I was in this dead marriage and had no way of leaving.. I felt I could never do it alone.... I have since realized it is my "decision making skills" that need to be fine tuned.. I need to mean what I say... when I say "no".. people don't take me seriously because I never stick to it.. I don't want conflict so I allow it to happen...
This guy I have dated since my marriage break-up has been a little abusive as well.. I have had my leg bruised and my hand bruised from trying to sheild from the second kick on my leg... he bent my thumb back on my hand and I think he actually broke a bone .. not just sprained it like I had originally thought.. as it took months to heal and I can still feel the pain now six months later. He has done some questionable things to me such as taking nude pictures of me and not telling me... I found them. He has had sex with an old girl friend but says we were broke up at the time.. I found the pictures of him having sex with her the same time I found the pictures of me nude.. he had them all on the same CD.. I was crushed.. he calles me a fat cow.. he says that my vagina is too big (which it probably is, as every guy I have ever been with wants to stretch it out and play with it .. and I never stop them.
I realized that I have very little self-respect as I do not stop this destructive behaviour. I don't want this in my life, I feel that I can not change my thought patterns enough to make a difference. I know I can't change the past and I must just change my OWN emotions towards what happened.. I need to take the negative conintation off this, as I am continuously feeling as though I am not good enough for anyone..
I am a very nice looking female, I know this too.. (for my age).. I am a smart girl.. what am I missing to complete this healing? I still find myself lost in my past.. trying to figure out how I could have done something different to change the outcome.. I guess I need to learn how to LET GO!!
I don't feel that I need to be victimized again.. seems if I bring this all up it can effect other areas of my life.. I have seen enough to know that if you admit to this abuse, that you continue to be abused by the public.. they point fingers and accuse you of not being 100% together .... I have seen this with others and do not wish to open myself up to more attack..
I don't take many risks.. I guess I have lived my life with a good connection with God.. otherwise I am not certain how I would have handled all of this... I see now that my daughter is experiencing abuse from her relationships.. I know this is related to what she saw in her past (in terms of her dad disprespecting me and he too called HER fat.. and told her negative things about herself).. there was NEVER any sexual abuse towards my daughter, I was over protective with her all her life..
I was also raped as a young girl of 9... it was a big court case and the man was an older man that our family did not know...he pleaded insanity...
All of this happened to me.. and I am now living the "insanity"... how can I stop this and live my life for today... how can I stop allowing men to abuse me? How can I take control of my own life? I feel so insecure...
I am very sensitive with this topic.. please understand that it is not something that I can openly discuss.. I tried that once with my ex-husband many years ago and he just threw it in my face that it was all my OWN fault.. he did not validate anything had happened to me.
This new guy that I have dated on and off since my divorce is the same way.. he will not validate anything that has happened to me in my past... (he does not even know about the sexual assults)..
Thank you for your time in reading this.. I appreciate any words of encouragement you may provide me.. I am grateful for your input..
Michelle :)
Answer Dear Michelle,
I appreciate that you took time to detail about your abusive past.
I read your mail with my heart and I have a prayer for you in my heart.
I would appreciate if you could detail me-
1)what exactly are your flash backs connected to your abusive past?
2)How long these flash backs last?
3)What do you feel like doing at the end of each flash back?
